


The Long Way Home

by Ookomix



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Grey Jedi, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo has a lot to do, NaNoWriMo, NaNoWriMo 2016, Redemption, epic adventure, quest style, supportive family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-08-28 10:52:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 58,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8443066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ookomix/pseuds/Ookomix
Summary: NANOWRIMO CONTESTAfter Snoke’s defeat, Kylo Ren tries to claim back his place in the light side, determined to undo the wrongs he has done to the galaxy. Challenges await him in his path, as he follows the only way he has to repent: Forgiveness from the whole universe.Edit : the whole fanfiction has been successfully edited, so I hope it will be more readable now that it received a few corrections!





	1. Checkmate

**Author's Note:**

> THIS is my humble contribution to the Nanowrimo contest, a contest more for myself than anything else, because I'm a mess when it comes to write something, but this time I'll do it. One chapter a day, 1667-ish words a day. And I'll give it to you. Please excuse my English.  
> Enjoy!

 

Stone Cold.

Kylo Ren can’t tell if it’s describing himself or the corpse of his former master lying on the ground, like a broken puppet. And he killed him. He did it. He _finally_ did it. He is free. Freedom of mind, and freedom of speech.

Freedom.

Had he found the map without trouble, he would have kept the Resistance from bringing Luke _Fucking_ Skywalker to the party, but you can’t have it all, he guesses. What’s done is done, there’s no point trying to bring back the past. Besides, maybe he couldn’t have done it witho– _Stop_ _right here, Kylo_. He is strong and he needs no one. He killed Snoke, because nobody in the room was able to do it. Luke? He can’t kill. Rey? She’s been trained by Luke! If she had accepted his offer…

 

Kylo gets up from the ground where he was seated, fed-up with his useless introspection, and he hears the delicate purr of a lightsaber being unsheathed. The second after, his grandfather’s weapon rests near his throat, unsteady and nervous.

“Stay where you are, monster,” the shaky voice of Rey resounds, echoing in the large and empty room. Luke’s nearby, as motionless and useless as ever.

“Or what? You’re going to kill me? You couldn’t even _end_ the greatest threat of the galaxy. Don’t make me laugh.”

“Oh, because you actually can laugh?”

This is going nowhere. Kylo takes a step forward, making Rey tighten her grip on her lightsaber.

“You want to kill me? Do it. I did what I wanted to do, I can die in peace. Can you say the same, _Rey_?” He spits the name like it’s an insult itself, and the girl in front of him frowns harder.

“Let’s not fight, children,” Luke says, his calming presence invading the place. Rey tries to relax her muscles mistreated by the ambient stress, but she doesn’t let Kylo out of her sight. It is hilarious.

“Snoke’s dead. The First Order is breaking apart. There’s almost nothing left of it. And we will not stop until it’s completely gone. We won’t make the same mistake as we did all this decades ago...”

“Are you trying to make a point, old man?” Kylo interrupts Luke.

“Yes,” Luke replies, not bothered by the knight’s tone. “You helped us destroy the First Order, Kylo Ren. You blew up two Star Destroyers, slayed the knights of Ren. You brought down Snoke’s fort’s defenses, allowing the Resistance to invade this planet. And now, you openly fought and killed your Supreme Leader. Why?”

Kylo looked at Luke, completely snubbing Rey. His pale, scarred face is impassible. Why, indeed?

“Because one can’t accept to live like a slave all his life when he has the strength to live like a king,” Kylo says without hesitation. Luke doesn’t need to know more. He doesn’t need to know the pain, and the voices in his head, bringing him down.

Now it’s over. It cost him everything. But it’s over.

“What are you going to do?” Luke asks.

Kylo doesn’t answer. Probably nothing. He didn’t think about it. He just… Maybe he could disappear, die in a corner and stay forgotten by everyone. Maybe he could set a ship on auto-pilot and explore the universe randomly until he dies.

“Or,” Luke starts, looking like he read Kylo’s thoughts, which he probably did, the son of a… “You could come with us. To the Resistance.”

“What?” Kylo asks at the same time as Rey. They look daggers at each other for a moment before reporting their attention on the old Jedi. Luke is smiling, that jerk.

“Come home, your mother misses you,” the Jedi tries. “You still have time to redeem yourself, your grand-father did it, not because he was weak, but because he found the strength to overcome his enslavement to the dark side.”

Again silence makes itself at home, and Kylo can see Rey shift uncomfortably from one leg to another, still not moving her lightsaber from his throat.

 _COME HOME?_ Does he still have a home? Someone waiting for him? Kylo knows that’s not true. People are waiting for _Ben Solo_ to come home. Leia Organa misses her son. Not the monster he became. Not the monster who killed his father to gain power (Which failed miserably, by the way.). But no one is waiting for Kylo Ren. Proof is, Luke didn’t even call him by his name. He craves to say his nephew’s name. A dead man’s name. So Kylo laughs, but it’s sour, empty of joy or amusement.

“You want me to become a war prisoner _by my own will_? How stupid is that? Why would I do that?”

“I’m not offering you to surrender! I’m offering you a place to rebuilt the galaxy. After that, you’re free to do whatever you want. On the condition that you’re not trying to start a new Empire again .”

That’s definitively stupid. But, on his core, Kylo finds that soothing, to think Luke isn’t trapping him. Maybe…

Maybe he really wants Kylo to come with them. Not Ben. Kylo Ren.

It’s so confusing.

Kylo eventually nods slightly. A tiny yes, for a much bigger hope in the old Jedi’s eyes.

“I don’t want to be a prisoner.”

“You won’t be,” Luke promises.

“This is crazy,” Rey snarls. “We should be arresting him, stopping his treachery. Maybe it was all part of his plans! Making us think he’s redeeming himself, so he can infiltrate the Resistance and kill everyone!”

Luke laughs – actually laughs – and shakes his head.

“Don’t be like that, Rey. Be hopeful.”

Luke reaches his hand and without a warning the lightsaber goes off and flies from Rey’s hand to land in Luke’s. With a gasp, the young girl promptly steps back from Kylo and prepares to fight. But the knight doesn’t want to fight. He gave enough against the Supreme Leader. Without another glance to Rey, Kylo goes to the Millennium Falcon, where Chewbacca and that former stormtrooper must be waiting. Knowing Luke, the old Jedi probably asked them to cover their return, and not confront Snoke.

And Kylo’s right. They’re here, and clearly not prepared to see him arrive. With a growl, the Wookiee raises his _Kriffing_ crossbow, the one that cost him his victory against Rey, and his face. The stormtrooper holds his blaster. It takes Luke to calm them with a smile.

“Hold your fire, my friends. We’re going home, and Kylo Ren is coming with us. After having stopped Snoke, it’s the least we can do, since this planet is doomed to explode.”

With some hesitation, Chewbacca finally lowers his weapon and goes right in the cockpit, upset but tamed. Finn doesn’t let Kylo out of his sight, and Kylo thinks now he’s got two Cerberus to watch him. He climbs in the Falcon and sits in a corner of the familiar, yet estranged ship. Crossing his long legs, Kylo straightens his back and decides to ignore everyone by meditating. That does the trick, no one bothers him the whole trip. But what will come next? Few people know his face. Fewer will connect the dots and think _oh force that’s Kylo Ren everyone run for your life!_ But…

His mother will recognize him in a heartbeat. The ghost of her son.

Kylo opens his eyes seconds before Luke announces they will enter the planet’s orbit. The one Kylo never knew about, the new High Quarters of the Resistance after the debacle of the StarKiller Base. The knight can feel the tension growing in his chest, and he gets up so suddenly, he’s rewarded with a lightsaber and a blaster aiming at him. Great. The three of them don’t make a move until the ship is landed. As soon as the loading doors are open, Rey bolts out of the ship, disappearing from Kylo’s sight, and he can’t help but wonder if she’s going to warn Leia. Probably. The stormtrooper stays motionless in front of him until Luke and Chewbacca get out of the cockpit to join them in the loading area.

“Well, let’s go,” Luke cheers, visibly happy to come home. He climbs down from the ship, followed by Chewbacca, who’s still angry but doesn’t try to choke Kylo if he’s near. Kylo wonders if it’s because he nursed him when he was an infant. If it’s because Chewbacca still sees him as _family_. That would be stupid. Kylo slowly exits the Millennium Falcon, looking around him like he’s expecting a trap. Which he’s not. Of course.

It’s crazy, outside. People are laughing, cheering, repairing ships and robots, crying their lost ones. Some are running around, following orders in the frenzy after battle. Kylo sees the trooper and the girl running to a pilot he recognizes as being the _fucking pilot who destroyed everything_ , but it isn’t time for sour revenge. Kylo averts his eyes from the scene, only to fall on the only thing he’s dreading.

Leia Organa.

She’s as still as a statue, her gaze locked on him. Then she starts moving and in seconds she’s on him. Kylo steps back, unable to use his brain. What is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to say? It’s been years since he last saw her, and the only thing crossing his mind is _you look older_. She does. But so does he, after more than six years away from her. She looks so hurt, and at the same time, so hopeful. It’s…

It’s painful. Kylo promised himself he wouldn’t be slave to pain anymore. So he builds his armor of indifference and looks passed his mother. He tries to make up some formal greeting, like “ _congratulations, you won this war_ ” or “ _I guess there’s still a lot of work to do if you want this galaxy to look decent_.” For the love of the Force, that sounds stupid.

“So,” Leia starts, interrupting Kylo’s train of thoughts. “Is it Ben, or Kylo Ren?”

“Kylo Ren,” he immediately replies, like he’s been burned by the other name.

“So I’ve lost my son?”

“I don’t know. Have you? I...”

Before he can finish his sentence, Leia wraps her arms around him and presses her face against his chest, burying her treacherous tears in the fabric of his shirt.

“Welcome home,” she whispers in a broken voice.

Kylo feels his armor falter and fall.


	2. To the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once he's "home", Kylo has to be part of a bigger crew than he's used to.  
> But he knows it won't last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter, I hope you'll like it. Again, I'm sorry if some sentences seem odd, but English is not my native language...  
> Enjoy!

It may seem odd, for most of the Resistance’s crew, but Kylo is _very_ uncomfortable on this planet. Apart from Rey, Luke, Finn, Chewbacca and Leia, no one knows who he is. Maybe the duo of idiots told their best friend. The rest of the planet? He’s invisible. It’s unusual. He’s a soldier among soldiers. A nobody wandering in a crowd of nobodies. Kylo spends his time going back and forth in the base, he has nothing better to do. Leia seems happy to see him, sometimes, but he’s obviously not allowed to participate in any conversation. By Rey, mostly. He’d gladly punch this girl.

Lost as he is in his thoughts, Kylo nonetheless hears the desperate weepings of a distressed droid, and he stops in his tracks to look around him. Isn’t the Resistance supposed to take care of their droids? Closing his eyes, the knight looks for the source of the sounds, and he directly goes to a corner of a building to crouch near a tiny droid.

It’s a half destroyed MSE-E, a little droid looking like a mouse. These droids are so little it’s easy not to see them when one’s in a bigger vehicle. Kylo slowly, softly takes the electronic mouse in his hands, careful not to break it more, and gets up.

“How did you get here? I thought Resistance droids were all prepared for combat.”

The MSE-E beeps in binary, its tone sounding like the 26th or 27th droid language, so it’s very recent. Created and forgotten so easily. Kylo huffs and looks around, searching the nearest workshop. He founds it and bolts in it, startling engineers already at work.

“Shit, man,” one of them complains, reckless. “Might want to warn, next time? What are you doing here?”

Kylo doesn’t answer and looks for the right tools to take care of the MSE-E, and some parts to make it look better. It will be great.

“I… Are you allowed to do that?” the stupid engineer asks, nervous. “Are you a mech?”

“Do I look like I’m too disabled to understand how mechanic works? Do I look like an idiot unable to connect two circuits? Trust me I’m more than capable of doing your job, now shut up and let me think.”

It has the merit to make the guy close his mouth. Kylo then ignores him and grabs what he needs, then flees to his room. Once the door is closed, he can finally breathe. No one will bother him, here. He settles on the ground and spreads the tools around him, and finally he can put the MSE-E on the ground. Its little caterpillar tracks turn uselessly in the air. Poor thing. It doesn’t need those tracks. Electromagnetic suspension should do the trick, right? Then cables and hooks, and it would be ready to go. Kylo puts himself to work. He doesn’t know how long he stays in his room, working on the little droid, listening to its complaints and its stories about its misadventures. Sometimes Kylo answers briefly, humming when the MSE-E asks him if he’s still listening. He is. He’s just about to connect the MSE-E when someone knocks on his door.

Leia.

Kylo stops what he’s doing, much to the MSE-E’s disagreement, and opens the door.

“B...” Leia starts before stopping herself.

“Can I do something for you, General?” Kylo asks without showing any emotion.

“Oh, don’t be like that, please. I heard an engineer complain about a _giant guy with a scar on his face_ , saying you came out of nowhere to insult him and run away with workshop’s tools. Is that true?” She then looks down between Kylo and the door frame, and sees the display of tools and droids parts on the ground. “Oh.”

“I needed those tools.”

“I can see that. Can I come in?”

Kylo hesitates. But it’s Leia. His _mother_ , sometimes he remembers. And she’s the only one who doesn’t look at him like he’s dangerous or _worse_ , broken. So he sighs, then lets her enter his room.

It’s… formal. Austere. He has nothing, so there’s nothing, only his lightsaber laying near the bed, and his coat hanging against the window. And that’s it. Kylo regains his place on the ground near the impatient droid, and Leia skillfully settles next to him despite her age. Kylo wonders if he’ll have to help her on her feet after that.

“What happened to her?” Leia asks.

“What?”

“The droid, the MSE-E. What happened to her?”

Oh. She refers to the droid by _her_. Interesting. Kylo clears his throat.

“It has collided with a vehicle, and obviously the vehicle doesn’t have a scratch,” Kylo explains, rewarded by a shocked, offended sound by the droid. Kylo ignores it. “I’m helping it walk again, added a few bonuses so it can fend for itself.”

“You’re making a friend,” Leia says with a smile before laughing softly, and Kylo feels his insides go upside down.

It had been his grand game, to make his mother laugh, when he was a kid.

It was a long time ago.

Kylo frowns and pouts.

“I’m not. That’s stupid, we don’t _make_ friends. I’m not a child, anymore, I want you to remember that.”

“Of course, I’m sorry, Kylo,” Leia says, but she can’t hide her smile, and the knight wonders if she uses the force to know that he’s not really angry.

Kylo finally finishes the MSE-E’s repairs, with the helpful advices of his mother, and soon the droid plays and tests its new EMS to go back and forth in the room, with happy chirps and songs. Leia laughs again.

“I think she loves her new body.”

“Why _her_?” Kylo can’t help but ask.

Leia rubs her chin thoughtfully, then shrugs.

“I always figured MSE-Es would be mostly girls, if they were organics. I like the idea.”

The droid stops and turns to Leia, then agrees with a series of beeping. Kylo is done.

“So it wants to be a girl, now? On what purpose?!”

“To look like humans, I guess,” the general sighs. “Kylo, we spend so much time with droids, we influence them like we influence pets. They gradually imitate us, then they evolve, just like us. It’s our greatest gift, to make little pieces of metal wanting to do like we do, wanting to be _alive_. They’re _Artificial Intelligences,_ but they’re intelligences anyways. Never forget that. Alright?”

Kylo stays silent, his eyes following the soft movements up and down of the droid’s electromagnetic suspension. He…

He can understand.

“Alright.”

Leia smiles genuinely at him then gets up without help. She dusts her clothes and stretches her body.

“I’m late, they’re probably looking for me everywhere. Oh! I almost forgot, Luke wanted to talk to you. Bring your new friend, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to test her new mean of transport in the base. Luke’s on the hill north from here.”

Of course he is. If not he could not look like an ancient master. Kylo sighs and gets up too, then makes a move towards the door. He splits ways with Leia and makes his way to the hills. Luke’s there. Sitting alone, looking at the landscape. Kylo waits, the MSE-E making circles around his legs. Eventually, he sits, almost ten feet away from the man who used to train him. The man he betrayed.

“I don’t bite,” Luke says with a spike of amusement.

“I do,” Kylo immediately replies, only provoking Luke’s laugh. He sighs, no one respects him here. “What do you want, Luke?”

“I think… I think it’s time for you to learn how to balance the Force. You’re stuck in the Dark Side, you embrace it. Still, there’s this call of the Light in your heart.”

“You want me to redeem myself. Properly. Well, that’s a no. I don’t need you to _train me_ anymore. I’m free to do whatever the fuck I want.”

“No need to be rude, Kylo. What I’m offering you, is a chance to understand both sides. Not just _use it_ like Snoke told you to. Your power is not the pure Dark Side. It comes from the instability between both. Light and Dark. But this _discord_ can’t help you find peace. Because it’s strong, but unsteady, unstable. Do me a favor, alright? Try to find the balance you so need to be happy and free. Go to the First Jedi Temple. I’m sure you’ll find what you are desperately looking for.”

Kylo finds nothing to say. He looks at Luke’s back for a moment, the only sound in the air the beepings of the MSE-E. Is that all? Luke wanted him to come just to talk to him about _how lost and unsteady he is_? Anger rises in his chest like a fire, and he bares his teeth, ready to jump at Luke’s throat. Then he realizes. It’s pointless. Even if he kills Luke, he still have nothing left. His fury withers like it has never been here, and the knight is left with nothing but sadness and loss. He reacts only when the MSE-E knocks on his tight, and he pats absentmindedly the droid like it was a cat.

He can do it. Prove Luke that he’s wrong, that Kylo needs nothing but perfect his art in the Dark Side to be _happy_. To be _free._ He gets up, but doesn’t close the distance between Luke and him.

“I’ll do it. I’ll go to your stupid temple, and I’ll prove you I’m strong.”

Luke doesn’t turn to look at him, he only nods. Kylo can see the old Jedi’s breath steady itself. He knows the conversation is over. Without another word, Kylo leaves Luke and goes back to the base. He has a trip to prepare, and he knows Luke won’t let him go by himself. Lifting the MSE-E from the ground, Kylo carries it on his arms, and he heads towards the General’s quarter.

He has a mission’s report to present.


	3. Find your way you must

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following what Luke told him, Kylo travels to the First Temple, where he has to prove he's strong enough to do without the Light. But can he really do it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohmygod ohmygod I'm sorry if it's weird, or ill-written! I hope you'll enjoy it, anyways!  
> Third day!

“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”

Kylo raises his head from his bag, where the MSE-E checks his stuff, and frowns. That scavenger girl. What does she want, now? Getting up, Kylo stretches his arms and growls at the girl.

“What, now? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“I’m _not_ letting you go alone. Over my dead body, Kylo Ren,” she replies, her voice is shaky but the determination in her eyes is enough for Kylo to flinch.

“… Are you really going to stop me from leaving?”

“Yes.”

This is ridiculous. Kylo throws his arms to the sky and silently prays the Force before snarling again at the girl. Rey takes a step back.

“Don’t you dare,” she warns, ready to fight.

“FINE!! I don’t care, alright?! I DON’T CARE!! Luke asked me to go to the First Temple, and I reported the discussion with General Organa, okay??! I don’t need you on my back like I’m some sort of TREACHEROUS SNAKE! It’s fucking five a.m, you should be asking _your new nannies_ what’s for breakfast, so _leave me alone_!”

“My...” Rey shuts her mouth, and looks at him with horror.

Kylo knows she’s more taken aback by the _boiling rage_ he’s sending through the Force than by his words, but still. She finally understands. Kylo breathes out through his nose, and crouches back near his bag. Rey is motionless behind him.

“I’ll come with you, then,” she eventually demands.

“No,” Kylo replies without looking up. But he can sense she’s still not moving. He sighs. “Why?”

“You don’t have the right to go on adventures all by yourself. You’re a mass murderer. A monster. You can’t be trusted, no matter how much Luke hopes you can.”

Kylo bows his head and sighs in defeat. He can’t kill her on the spot, it’s unproductive. And he can’t harm her, because Leia would never forgive him.

“Okay,” he says after a too long moment of silence. “You can join me. But don’t you dare staying in my way. You make yourself scarce, and you shut up. And after our return, you leave me alone.”

The MSE-E beeps with distress and floats back and forth. Rey nods after a second of hesitation, and grabs her communication device to contact someone. Her friends probably, but Kylo can’t care less. He re-checks his stuff for the last time before lifting the MSE-E from the ground to strap it on his shoulder. The little droid cheers happily and holds on.

 

 

The ship Kylo borrowed is not very large, about the same size his Upsilon had. Not useful in combat, the knight thinks bitterly, but if Rey is going to join him then it’s the only option he has. Damn this girl.

It takes fifteen minutes for Rey to be ready to land off, and by the time she arrives at the docking bay Kylo Ren is already pissed off. They take off as soon as they both are in the ship, unnoticed by the Resistance.

Kylo concentrates on the control panel, decided to ignore his partner/jailor. His droid plays the role of an astromech, thanks to its upgrades, so Kylo doesn’t even _need_ a co-pilot. But he can sense Rey’s nervousness. Maybe he should abandon her on a random planet. It would have been fun. More fun than having to bear her death-glare burning the back of his head as he’s piloting.

“You have the coordinates?” he asks his droid who briefly responds before setting up the ship. “Great, so let’s jump in hyperspace, I’m tired of this trip already.”

He doesn’t pay attention to the offended huff at the back of the ship, and sends them across the galaxy to find the blasted planet Luke searched and found while the Republic was at war.

And there they are.

The planet is more water than land, patches of green grass contrasting with blue, wild waves. Birds fly past the ship, startled by the mechanical noises they never heard before. So this is where the old Jedi was hidden this whole time. Kylo’s impressed.

“The temple is north from here,” Rey suddenly warns, surprising the MSE-E. Kylo doesn’t reacts, only shifting his trajectory to go north.

They land on an island bigger than the others, where a large crater nests an artificial construction and a magnificent tree.

“Well it’s difficult to miss,” Kylo sarcastically says, walking down the ramp of the ship. “I wonder what the first Jedi were afraid of, hiding in places such as this one.”

He talks more to himself than to the girl stalking him, so he’s not surprised when she doesn’t answer. Kylo lets his little droid wander in the fields, following it with his eyes before going near the huge tree. It doesn’t take much for the knight to be drawn by the Force emanating from it, and Kylo rests his hand against the bark, his fingers following the raw asperities marking the wood. It’s older than Kylo can even imagine.

But he’s not here to contemplate old trees. Losing interest, he starts examining the constructions. From where he is he can tell it’s only the visible part of the temple, the crater working as a sort of court, and the building itself is deeply dug in the ground of the island, running inside like an ant-hill. Brilliant. The MSE-E gains his attention with high pitched beeps, and it informs him that there’s no form of life. Of course.

“What do you want from this place?” Rey asks, standing near the tree, at a respectable distance from Kylo.

“I’m here to prove Luke I’m strong without being slave of the Light,” he answers thoughtfully, his gaze studying every part of the court.

“… Good luck, then.”

Without hesitation the knight goes for the heavy gates made of stone and tries to open it… despite all his brute strength, nothing moves. Kylo fights for several minutes before stepping back, panting. How is that possible?! Reaching the Force, Kylo blasts all he has against the doors.

The temple stays closed.

Behind Kylo Ren, Rey bursts out laughing, and it’s enough to send the knight to his last level of rage and humiliation. With a howl of pure fury, Kylo unsheathes his weapon and throws himself at the girl, hitting her own saber. Again, and again, and again. She’s not laughing, now. She looks like a cornered animal. As Kylo breaks Rey’s defenses, his lightsaber’s guard hurts the bark of the tree, and a voice resounds in the air.

“Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering. Give up to the Dark Side, you must not.”

Kylo stops his movement and looks at the top of the tree, confused, as both he and Rey try to catch their breath.

“...What?” he asks incredulously.

Rey walks back to sit far away from him, and rubs her face.

“You can’t open the gates, Kylo. Only the Light can do it. A complete, perfect peace of mind.” she explains breathlessly, looking for the source of the voice as well. “What have you done, this time?”

“I _am_ at peace,” Kylo lies, but it doesn’t prevent him from jumping out of his skin when a little ghostly creature appears next to him.

“Are you?” It asks jokingly. Kylo sighs, more exasperated than ever.

The creature’s long ears vibrate slightly along with its laugh.

“What are you?” Rey whispers, not wanting to come closer.

“What I am, it’s not important. What _you_ are, much more crucial, because the future of the Jedi you represent, eheheheh.”

And Kylo understands. This… thing… is the ghost of Yoda, Luke’s master. This time it’s with wide eyes he looks at him. Yoda doesn’t seem to notice, though, and he slowly limps towards Rey.

“The Force you have, children, but it matters not. It is… what you do with it, that matters. Experiences. Discoveries. Yes. Eheh.”

Then the little ghost suddenly points his weird ghostly cane in Kylo’s direction, and the knight finds himself raising his hands.

“BUT, the Dark Side is wrong, my boy,” Yoda points out accusingly. “Death. Fear. Suffering. It can’t bring you peace. It can’t bring you _hope_. You’re a ghost, just as I am. Finding peace is important, is it not?”

Kylo doesn’t answer that, even if he knows he should. He’s taking a moral lesson by a ghost, it’s the first time it happens to him. It’s surreal, but it’s not the most bizarre thing in the galaxy. Kylo decides to play along, dropping his arms and resting them on his knees.

“Okay,” he says. “I suppose Luke knew we would eventually find you. He wanted me to come here to find what is it I lack of, but I can’t even open those blasted doors.”

It doesn’t seem to surprise the ancient master, as it haven’t surprised Rey. Yoda comes back near him, and sits on one of the visible huge roots of the tree.

“You are a Skywalker. Strong with the Force. But full of fear. Of anger. Like your grandfather, you are. But also like your uncle. Tell you, he didn’t. But he made mistakes. He was reckless, fearful. Impatient! But he belongs to the Light. And you belong to the Light, too. To the Force! Find a balance, you must! Ask forgiveness from the Force, and a new world you will see!”

Now this is just confusing. Kylo silently digests the news. He’s… Can he say he’s sorry? Yes, he is. He knows he did horrible things. He let himself be guided by the wrong fanaticism. He was so sure he was doing the right thing, it took him a patricide to realize how wrong he was. But he can’t ask for forgiveness. How would that change something?

“I don’t understand. The Force, I have it,” Kylo says, careful. “Why should I ask for forgiveness? The Dark Side is real. It is here. If the Force lets us use it, why should I be sorry for using it?”

“Because… You don’t understand the galaxy, the Force around you. You use it like it is a tool, but understand it, you do not. To _live_ with the Force, the life you tried to destroy, you must understand. And to accomplish that, you must redeem yourself. Go travel in the galaxy. Go make the smallest difference possible, and by peace for others, peace for yourself you must gain.”

And just like that he stops talking, losing interest to contemplate around him. Kylo doesn’t know how to react. He raises his eyes from Yoda and meets Rey’s doubtful glare. With a huff, Kylo gets up and walks away, quickly followed by the MSE-E. This trip is a disaster. He can’t even enter the Temple, and now he’s being taught he has to redeem himself with tasks to find his balance. It’s easier to get angry, and probably as painful. For now? The Light is just a pain is the ass. What if it doesn’t change a thing? What if Kylo stays like he is, now, even after having tried over and over to ask for forgiveness? He suddenly realizes he maybe has no choice but to follow this path. Because if he doesn’t, then nothing will ever change.

Kylo turns back to the tree, and Yoda is talking quietly with Rey, fading already, like he has finished, and goes back to where he belongs.

With the dead.

Kylo wonders if the ghosts of the Jedi would ever find peace, with all the troubles the living are making.

The knight returns to the ship and sits on the ramp, playing for a moment with the MSE-E. It explains to him all the plants it found on the island, as excited as a child. Kylo lets it talk. He waits for Rey, then he will prepare to leave the Resistance.

There’s nothing more for him with them.


	4. Ready to fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has choices to make and things to learn. He also has a very happy tiny droid to take care of. And a over-cheerful former master.  
> Kylo's life is too complicated, right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER CHAPTER!! TAKE IT!! I kindly offer it to everyone willing to decipher me.

The trip back home could have been silent if it wasn’t for Rey’s babbling about master Yoda. She’s talking without interruption and it’s like she doesn’t have an off button anymore. So Kylo disregards her, again, hoping she would stop. But no. She talks to the MSE-E about the island, encouraged by the excited binary beeps of the little droid. It must be a _girl thing_ to talk about something you saw _twenty minutes ago_. As soon as they arrive, Kylo grabs Rey and throws her out of the ship before leaving her surprised on the ground of the docking bay.

“Hey!! That’s not nice! Be careful, I can still kick your ass!”

Kylo doesn’t even bother answering that and goes directly to the General’s quarters. He spent more time than he hoped on this island, thanks to Rey, and he is bloody late. The corridors are full, crowdedwith people dreaming of shining as heroes of the Resistance, doing their best to impress everyone, to have their name on the great wall of fame. Some look like they were at the heart of the battle. Others… they’re just here since the end of the war. They’re just following the winners.

 _Just as he did_.

Kylo knocks twice at Leia’s office’s door, then opens without waiting for an invitation. Leia’s not alone, around her there’s three officers, all of them bent over a map of the galaxy. Leia stops in the middle of her sentence and lets a relieved smile twist the corners of her mouth. The knight wonders if she thought he was gone for good.

“Can I talk to you for a minute? I won’t be long,” Kylo requests. Of course she nods, then leads him to a door before turning towards the officers.

“Please do continue without me, I’ll be back in a moment.”

The three soldiers bow slightly, and Kylo follows Leia into a more private room. She shows him a seat, but he shakes his head, he’d rather stand.

“I told you, it won’t be long. I went to the first temple.” Kylo stops for a moment. He doesn’t want Leia to know he miserably failed at entering a stupid pile of stones. “We– your new protege and I… met master Yoda. He told me what Luke wants from me. I have to go, and, well, explore the galaxy, I guess. Find… something.”

“Oh, my,” Leia simply says, hiding her smile. “You met master Yoda, it’s an honor, you know? I’m glad you’re surrounded by such great teachers. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for. You have my blessings, I’m sure we can trust you if you go alone.”

Kylo only nods, astonished by the level of trust Leia gives him. He bows a little and leaves her to her duty. No need to say goodbye, then. Maybe he’ll come back. After a while he finally manages to track down Luke, who loves playing the old hermit and hiding in odd places, as if he didn’t played that game too long. Once again he stays at a respectable distance, and draws Luke’s attention by clearing his throat.

“I assume everything went well?” Luke simply offers without breaking his contemplation of the horizon. For Force’s sake.

“No. No, and you know it, stop pretending,” Kylo snarls. “I miserably failed at entering a stupid temple, I have been supervised by a stupid apprentice who can’t keep her mouth shut and your master appeared from a tree to tell me _the same thing you said_. So _no_ everything didn’t go well.” he stops to loudly sigh. “So I’ll do it. I will try to find a… balance, whatever you want to call it. I will make efforts to understand the Force better.”

This time the Jedi raises on his feet and turns towards his former apprentice, a large bright smile on his face.

“You can’t imagine how happy I am to hear that, B… Kylo,” he corrects himself immediately. “Did you talk to your mother?”

“Yes, I have her blessing to go on my own, without a nanny to be sure I’m not doing anything stupid. I won’t do anything stupid, if I wanted to I would have prevented the First Order from falling.”

“That would have been pretty stupid,” Luke adds with an amused smile. Kylo rolls his eyes.

“I’m leaving tonight, just so you know. I’ve already packed up everything I need, I just need a proper ship. The one I borrowed this morning is useless.”

Luke giggles and nods, starting his way towards the buildings of the Resistance. It’s almost evening, and the whole army is in activity, receiving supplies or sending ships away. The First Order may be defeated, but there’s always its fanatics to track down, or the Republic to re-build. It’s a lot of work for a group such as the Resistance. Leia’s still in the middle of everything, and she’ll try to re-re-build a democracy in the entire galaxy, like the first time. Maybe this time it will work…

Silent, Kylo follows Luke like an eerie shadow as the Jedi wanders between ships and freights, saluting strangers or greeting droids. It’s hardly a surprise when the younger Force-user loses his patience.

“Luke, what am I supposed to find, exactly? You didn’t tell me the whole thing, right? I can’t roam the universe looking for _balance_ , it’s impossible! It won’t appear like a ghostly angel, you know that! Yoda told me you looked for it, too.”

Luke slows his pace, allowing Kylo to walk next to him, and throws glances at his former apprentice.

“I made mistakes, that’s right. I stopped in the middle of a training with Yoda to run and save your parents from Vader,” he stops at the word, looks as Kylo ticks at the name, but he continues anyways. “I cost me my hand, and my lightsaber. When I got back on Dagobah, Yoda was dying of old age. Ben… Well, Obi-Wan appeared to me, I guess he had no choice. I lost against my fears, ran away from my training to throw myself in a lost battle, and I found myself alone to finish my training. I did it, and I’m a Jedi, now. It wasn’t that hard to be all alone to find what I was lacking.”

They enter a huge garage where numerous X-wings and old A-wings are stored. Looking around him, Kylo looks for the most suited ship to go with. Luke lets him do for a while, and once the knight chooses an A-wing in perfect shape, the old Jedi settles near it as Kylo stars checking.

“What happened, after that?” Kylo asks against all odds. He heard this story before, and was always excited to hear it. He was young, still tempted by the Light, still tempted to be a Jedi.

It was a long time ago.

Now he only searches the answers he’s desperate for. And if he has to listen to old stories, then so be it.

“I had learned how to be at peace. More patient, less angry. I participated to Han’s rescue, fought against the bounty hunters and Jabba the Hutt’s men. We managed to flee, victorious. But it was because I learned _patience_. I waited for the perfect timing, the right time. Can you do the same? Can you prepare yourself, look for every clue that will show you the way to do what you want to do, but properly? Look at what you did. If you weren’t so _desperate_ to find the map, the First Order would have won. This impatience, you still have it. The end justifies the means. The goal is always more important than the path that will lead you to it.” Luke chuckles softly. “I’m not sure that’s right.”

“That’s absolutely not helping,” Kylo points out. “You still haven’t answered my question.” He looks at Luke through the glass of the windshield. “What do you want?”

Luke doesn’t answer for a moment, patting the nose of the ship, before raising his eyes to meet his nephew’s.

“Where’s your droid? The little MSE-E you upgraded?”

“With my stuff, probably.”

“I’ll tell you what. Go with it...”

“ _H_ _er_ ,” Kylo interrupts Luke.

“Her… I see. Go with _her_ , then. Travel across the galaxy. In the Outer Rim, even, if you want to. Look for _every opportunity_ to go _good_. Alright? Help people. Help cities. Even the smallest act of kindness can do a difference, I’m sure you heard it already.”

Kylo thinks about it for a moment. Really thinks about it. He wipes the windshield of the A-wing without a word. Luke _is_ patient. He’s not showing any sign that he’s waiting for Kylo’s answer. Or… something. He’s just here, maybe he’s meditating, who knows? Kylo jumps from the ship and sighs.

“Okay. I’ll do that. Being nice to people, I can do that. But don’t ask me to like them, sentient creatures are all stupid, selfish and chaotic.”

“Of course,” Luke simply says, throwing Kylo off guards. The knight clears his throat.

“… Alright…”

The Jedi chuckles again and uselessly dusts his clothes before going back to the entrance of the garage.

“I’ll let you pack and go, I’m sure you’ve seen enough of me for the rest of your life. Please don’t forget to say goodbye to your mom, at least. That’s the last thing I’m asking you.”

Kylo doesn’t answer, and Luke doesn’t wait for one. He calmly walks away, and quickly the garage falls in a sweet silence. So he’s really going. Alone. To do good things. Without waiting further the knight goes to say a last goodbye to the General and grab his stuff and new friend. He skillfully avoids Rey and her two friends and prepares himself to leave the planet. His droid has a special place on the cockpit, since she’s too tiny to hold in the spot dedicated to astromechs.

“I’m not calling you MSE-E all the time, I’m warning you,” Kylo absentmindedly says to her while he’s turning on the ship and waits for the signal to fly off. The MSE-E beeps cheerfully as she bounces in her box. “What do you mean you want a fierce name? You’re a mouse!”

She sadly beeps a few seconds then falls silent, as she was concentrating on taking off the A-wing from the planet. Kylo waits a moment before loudly and purposely sighing.

“What do you think of _Brave_?”

It’s with a cheer of songs that Kylo Ren leaves the planet for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the beginning of the adventure! Thank you for following this... weird... thing!!


	5. The Rogue and the Blast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo goes into adventure on his own, like a grown-up!  
> Oh wait...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's ADVENTURE TIME  
> Enjoy!

The A-wing lazily orbits around Lorta’s moon, as Kylo observes his map of the galaxy in silence. He’s not sure he wants to go into the unexplored wild space, because he might be tempted to never come back. It was sweet to think he could try to find a new galaxy where he hadn’t thrown his name into the mud. But he’s not here to disappear. Obviously. Kylo presses a button and the map suddenly zooms on the portion of galaxy he’s in. He’s not far from the Corellian’s trade spine. He could follow the line and go to more inhabited planets, finding a nice place to upgrade the A-Wing before venturing into the unknown territories. Or leaving to the wild space… Damn that thought, it doesn’t want to leave his mind!

Motivating himself to fly back to the Inner Rims, where a large part of the Galaxy has fallen into some sort of civil wars after the Republic’s destruction, Kylo pokes Brave, receiving a handful of binary insults for that offense, and leaves the moon’s orbit. He’ll find things to do, there, he’s not worried. Kylo jumps in hyperspace, aiming at an Inner Rim’s system. As the knight stops and prepares to jump again, Brave starts panicking, retransmitting a message sent in every radio frequencies:

“…… _._ _The_ _Szechual_ _4892 55 47_ _is under attack, I repeat, the_ _f_ _reight_ _t_ _ransport_ _The_ _Szechual_ _4892 55 47_ _is under attack, if you receive this message please send help. The_ _f_ _reight transport_ _The_ _Szechual_ _4892 55 47_ _is und….._ ”

Kylo hushes Brave.

“I’ve heard enough,” he sighs. “Prepare to follow the signal alongside the S.O.S, Brave. We’re going to take a look at what happened to this ship, and make this message shut up, or it will attract every scum in the sector.”

Brave nods and adds the signal to the ship’s memory before letting Kylo take the controls. The Force-user makes his way into the nothing, following the signal until the freight transport is in his line of sight.

This ship is _enormous_ , half the size of a star destroyer, and Kylo hated those things because they were way too big. It’s floating helplessly in the nether, his hull open near a closed entrance gate. Pieces of metal wander around it, and Kylo tries is best to avoid a collision. As trivial as it would be, he doesn’t want to scrap his A-wing with this bullshit.

Once he’s close enough, Kylo can see the fully extent of the damage. The emergency barriers, both electromagnetic and physical, prevent the air to leave the ship to space, and maintain gravity in what’s left of the ship. Either the attackers are smart, or they are stupid but looking for something very specific and can’t risk to search through space debris. Kylo’s not going to wait and see. He goes through the electromagnetic field and in a part of the huge docking bay. The docks are empty of life, he can sense it before Brave has to say anything. Which means the attackers are not an army, otherwise they would have left people behind to make sure no one arrives. Amateurs. Stealthily getting out of his A-Wing, Kylo arms his blaster in one hand, his lightsaber in the other. He didn’t take time to perfect his saber, while he was with the Resistance, the energy crackling every few seconds like it’s about to explode. Kylo likes it the way it is, but he’s starting to get a little too… well-known in this galaxy to be assured he won’t get recognized because of the saber. Kylo lights it off for the moment and creeps towards the nearest door, all his senses in alert. Especially the Force one. Corpses are sprayed on the ground, and he can practically _taste_ fear in the air, the loud distress in the surviving crew’s hearts. And something else. Something he’s used to. Cruelty. Disdain for every life in one’s way. Someone powerful is aboard the ship, and Kylo tightens his grip on his blaster, following his instinct to find where the _innocent ones_ are hiding. He has heroic deeds to do. Brave is following him silently, only making small, soft comments from time to time. A broken pipe, a trashed door, everything worth looking for, she does it with ill-contained stress. Leia’s right, humans do influence droids.

“Please do honor to your name, stop shaking, we’re not going to die,” Kylo whispers to Brave as he forces on a door to burst it open. They inevitably bump into a pack of what seems to be pirates, and Kylo frowns.

“Oh, well, you are so insignificant, I didn’t even sense you there. What are you, semi-sentient idiots?”

The attackers shoot immediately at them. Kylo grabs Brave and pushes her out of the door as he jumps into cover. At least they speak the common tongue, it’s a plus. Waiting another few seconds, Kylo eventually stands up to open fire. With a terrific accuracy he slides from one corner of the room to another and shots them down one by one, until there’s only him left alive. He disregard most of the corpses, only interested in the heavy stuffed one, and looks for an emblem, or a distinction of some kind. Since he finds none, Kylo concludes they’re a bunch of lucky nobodies. A noise behind him makes him jump, but it’s only Brave unlocking the next door with quick hijacks. Grabbing another blaster he hangs to his belt just in case, Kylo follows her. She doesn’t seem afraid anymore and it’s a relief, because Kylo clearly has no time to take care of a frightened droid. Without a word they plunge into the corridor and hurry up to save the _Szechual_ ’s crew. They find numerous bodies, sometimes traces of blood without anything around it. It would have been nightmarish for anyone else. But Kylo’s used to war. Soldiers don’t faint on blood. Hearing shouts and fire, Kylo gets out of his thoughts and dives into cover once again, one second before the entire corridor is redecorated with blaster riffle’s energy. They are annoying, but dangerous, and Kylo prefers staying in his hidden place, gritting his teeth. As the ship slowly tilts on a side, Kylo grabs a cable to stay where he is hidden. He didn’t have enough time to see where the enemy is. Closing his eyes, the knight takes a second to find them, then uses the Force to make them stop their rampage. The shooting stops for a while, and a guy shouts in an unknown language at one of his teammates. Taking advantage of the confusion, Kylo stands up and uses both blasters to kill everyone but the immobilized man in front of him. The hallway is full with enemies, they are way too many to be effective in combat. They fall one after another, like a swamp of inoffensive insects. As always he is deadly, and it pleases him. Walking slowly toward the frightened, sole remaining pirate, Kylo uses the Force again, this time to make the surviving pirate talk. It’s his favorite game. That and, of course, freezing things.

“You will tell me where the surviving crew of the freight transport is,” he demands with a calm voice.

“They’re in the main stocking room, it’s well-guarded.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“We’re looking for a way to access the load of sunstones they’ve got in this ship.”

Kylo makes a low hum in understanding, then blasts the pirate’s head. So they are here for money. They must be pretty stupid to attack such a big cargo just for some shiny crystals. As he approaches the belly of the unstable freight transport, Kylo finally finds his way without needing the Force, following the noises of the mistreated ship and the voices. Kylo can sense the freighter is about to fall apart, and he’s in there so the idea doesn’t enchant him. Oddly. His only chance is to be stealthy, or else he would make the whole place fall right onto his head. He stays low for a while, trying to find a way to enter the main stocking room without having to blast the main entrance. With his abilities it would be so easy, but he’s not here to make more holes. Brave scans the place with a fanatic precision, but it’s so big, the knight wonders how many crew members were here, and how many are left. The knight stops dead behind a door when he hears a loud voice.

“ _COME ON, CAPTAIN_!! Open the door, don’t push us to destroy everything, we know you’re transporting highly volatile components, and I don’t want this beauty to explode in space, especially with us in there, so be nice and surrender, alright? And stop that damn radio message!!”

So this is _him_ , the man with so much potential, yet so little control over it. This close, Kylo can taste the raw power in his mouth, it’s like licking rusted steel, and it’s far from pleasant. He’s a Force-sensitive, Kylo is sure of that. Maybe not enough to become a Jedi, or a Sith for that matter, but _he has the Force_. Maybe that’s why he became the leader of a pirate gang.

As to confirm the knight’s thoughts, the man suddenly stops his monologue and turns towards him. Kylo doesn’t even need to look at the scene to know the pirate is now walking towards him, and he prepares himself for confrontation. He senses the whole ship crack around him, and curses.

“Who’s there?” The pirate asks. “Show yourself, or we’ll open fire!”

Kylo crouches to be closer to Brave and whispers.

“I want you to find a way to free the ship’s crew, okay? Try not to be seen, I won’t save you.”

The droid makes an offended noise, but she quickly dashes off when Kylo gets up, both blasters in his raised hands. He slowly comes out of his hideout to face a hatted figure.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahah! Cliffhanger!


	6. Hit and Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo's in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, let's do this! I kindly give you this... thing...  
> Please do keep in mind there's no bêta-reading of this, because I have 24 hours to do chapters and no time at all to correct them. So I apologize for any mistake you find  
> Enjoy!

“ _I want you to find a way to free the ship’s crew, okay? Try not to be seen, I won’t save you.”_

_The droid makes an offended noise, but she quickly dashes off when Kylo gets up, both blasters in his raised hands. He slowly comes out of his hideout to face a hatted figure._

 

The man is not physically impressive. Thin, small, hidden under his clothes. But it’s his _presence_ that worries Kylo. He looks like a man who just pretends to care about the whole ship blowing up. It would be easy for Kylo to think the same.

But oddly, he wants to live.

“Who are you, a member of the crew? What are you doing here, it’s dangerous, you know?” the pirate asks with a mocking tone, and his fellows stupidly laugh. Kylo frowns. He’s not here to be insulted.

“The question is _who are YOU_? I don’t recall this ship to be yours.”

“Indeed it’s not, you’re a bright one, aren’t you?” the man replies, still amused. “But we’re looking for riches, and your friends won’t let us take what we want, so we’re in the middle of a crisis, here. Do you mind playing as a hostage to shake them a little?”

“It won’t work,” Kylo simply says. He lowers his hands and looks at his nails, pretending he’s not worried by the situation. It throws some of the pirates off guards. “I’m not a member of this crew.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing _here_ , mate?” This time the pirate looks incredulous. His hand slides dangerously to his gun on his belt, but he doesn’t take it. Yet. “If you’re here to screw with us we….” he can’t finish his sentence, the ship suddenly cracks and bends, sending everyone on the side. Kylo catches himself gracefully and lands on a steel box. The wall becomes the floor, and it’s unnerving everyone. All the attackers draw their weapons, stressed, and their leader shouts towards the door of the main stoking room.

“I hope your volatile components are well strapped, because if you haven’t realized yet, we’re dancing on space! COME ON, open this door, you know what I want!!”

Kylo’s hand flickers discreetly to his earpiece and he listens carefully to Brave’s beeps. The droid hasn’t found a way to enter the stocking room but she’s close to do it. She already scanned a large portion of the area. Kylo’s about to reply when his sixth sense tells him he’s in danger. A shot near him makes him lower his hand and turn around, a frown on his face.

“What the fuck? Where do you think you are? You’re alive only _because I decide to let you live for the moment_. Be nice, don’t make a move.”

This time the knight raises an eyebrow and tilts the head on the side, one of his hands still grabbing a cable to stay stable despise the ship’s pitch.

“You really don’t feel anything? You really don’t understand you’re in danger? Oh my, did you grow up on a farm?”

He’s not even sorry. The scowl on the pirate’s face is memorable, and Kylo just has time to dodge the second blast before a pipe explodes above them. Everyone gets to cover, and Kylo grits his teeth. This is not good, he has to finish that. He could kill everyone in cold-blood, but…

Do Jedi kill their enemies without batting an eyelid? Luke never did it, he’s sure of that. He killed in wars, but never if he could avoid it.

Does Kylo have to do the same? No one dares make a move, Kylo could make them suicide and they won’t even know what’s hitting them. But… It’s wrong, right?

All of this seems suddenly so complicated.

He can make them attack without using the Force, then use that as an excuse to kill all of them. That seems right.

This is the moment Brave chooses to tell Kylo she found a way to evacuate the crew. This is getting better and better.

Still hidden behind the mistreated shelf, the knight shots twice in the air, touching a large pipe who bursts in a cloud of steam, making the whole gang curse and jump. Marvelous.

“It seems we don’t have a lot of time before everything blows up and sends pieces of us in the galaxy. It’d be a suitable death, right?”

He then makes a rude gesture from behind his hideout, and he’s rewarded with a series of rifle blasts.

The pirates automatically raise their blasters and shoot.

“WAIT, don’t!!” The leader shouts.

As Kylo gets up and the bolts stop mid-air in the battlefield, the whole pirate crew stands and tries to shoot again. It’s easy for the knight to immobilize them all. With a flick of his wrist, Kylo condemns them to rest the barrel of their own weapons against their foreheads. They are so few of them, now that he already killed the two thirds of the team. And they are so weak…

They’re insignificant, even for the Force.

Why should he care for them? They represent so much about the galaxy, the forgotten sentience of species too bundled up in their selfishness, their vices. They are but animals. They don’t deserve to be saved from their fate, and they are not worthy of his time, Light or not. Maybe it’s _bad_ to think like that _._ Maybe it’s not what Luke wanted, what Yoda wanted. But he can’t save everyone, especially from themselves. Kylo made the choice to save the _Szechual’s_ crew from the pirates. And he’s going to do it, even if it’s bloody for the rest of the enemies.

They can burn in Oblivion.

He makes them blast a final time, and all the bodies fall like one on the hard steel ground, a bloody mess with brain and bones.

The leader cusses between his teeth as he slowly surrenders.

“I could kill you, I’ve already killed a dozen of your friends _in the instant,_ ” Kylo remarks, making the whining man curses more. “I’m not sure you’re worth it. So I offer you a deal. I’m taking your weapons. You have lost. But I’m supposed to play the good guy, and you’re the only one who didn’t try to kill me, so get the fuck out of here before I change my mind.”

“Alright,” the leader says, raising his hands with difficulties, but doing it anyway. “You win this one. I’m leaving, no tricks. But this isn’t over, fighter-freak. Remember my name, _Ashdar from the Galactic mockingbirds._ Because you’ll find me in your way. More time than you can imagine. And you will _not_ always win.”

With a low chuckle he waits for Kylo to free him, then walks back, his hands still raised and his face hidden under his hat. Kylo doesn’t move until he’s out of sight, then closes his eyes to feel his presence, full of hate. Just like he is. It takes him more than ten minutes to leave the ship, but he leaves, and finally Kylo can breathe. Brave did her job, the members are safe, and Kylo goes to join them and take back his droid.

Everything crackles around him as he quickly makes his way in the deserted, destroyed hallways of the freighter. Brave told him they are in the main docking bay, where they left the A-wing. Half of the path is destroyed, and Kylo realizes he may have to find another way if he doesn’t want to make his way in _freaking space_.

The ship is so close to blow up because of the damages, it’s frightening, even for him. And he was on _an exploding planet_. He shouldn’t be _that_ worried by all this. But he is. He jumps and curses when a large portion of the ship just… decides to go on adventure in space, and he frantically closes the emergency gates in front of him. Great, now he has to find another way. Lighting out his lightsaber, the knight makes a way up to access the next floor, hoping this one would still be in a decent shape. He eventually has to make his way on several layers of the ship before he can find a path. And by the time he finds the bay he has a permanent snarl on his throat and a powerful need to destroy everything around him. It would be stupid, though, because the ship is already destroyed. With a quick move Kylo sheathes his lightsaber on his belt and joins the crew. They’re numerous, at least fifty people have survived the assault. The crew was probably way more crowded than that, before the attack. Now they only need two emergency shuttles to flee. It’s one of the good sides of having lost more than half of its population, Kylo guesses. He quickly approaches and grabs Brave to make sure she’s not hurt or doesn’t miss any part. She’s fine, and she’s more than happy with the whole situation, it worries Kylo because she’s still only fifteen centimeters tall.

The Captain of the _Szechual_ , a Mon Calamari somewhat twin-like with the Admiral Ackbar, shakes his hand in relief, not bothered by Kylo’s scowl of disgust. Why do people want to touch him?

“Thank you for your help, we owe you our life!”

“You should go,” Kylo says, “The ship will explode in a few minutes, gather your crew a leave.”

“Oh!! Of course, of course, we’ll be gone and… wait...” the fish-like alien points at his lightsaber. “This weapon...”

“It is not familiar,” Kylo commands.

“It’s not familiar,” the captain repeats.

“You have to leave.”

“We have to leave.”

And the Captain turns around and walks away without another word, letting Kylo jump in his A-wing. Brave joins him seconds after, and they wait for the emergency shuttles to fly off before he himself abandons the beautiful but dangerous _Szechual_.

It explodes minutes after, but Kylo is already gone into hyperspace.


	7. Crappy snowball effect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo can finally roam free in the galaxy!  
> Ah, just kidding, he still has Fate against him. And he won't get out of that so easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is a little too sketchy and chaotic, I'm sure he probably needs beta, but I'm a REBEL, and also I told myself I would give this fanfic in its rawest form so here it is, I'll give it to you.  
> Enjoy!

After several jumps Kylo decides he’s far enough from the _Szechual_. He’s not concerned about the pirate –what’s his name again?– but he doesn’t want to stay too long in the same area. Especially if people are that clingy when he saves their lives. No thanks.

The knight curses between his teeth. He needs to upgrade the A-Wing, or else he won’t be able to jump again _and again_. It’s painful enough to have not enough power to make real jumps, like the ones he could do with his Upsilon. So he opens his map and looks where he is before choosing a random inhabited semi-technologically advanced planet. That should do it. He doesn’t even bother looking in which sector he is when he asks permission to land on the nearest city. Once they accept, Kylo settles on the ground and jumps from the A-Wing he now hates in its current state. He briefly turns around the ship, mumbling ideas of change to himself, before he walks towards a mech who’s obviously bored to death.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” the alien answers. “Is it related to your ship?”

“Yes. It’s outdated. I want to upgrade it, so it can jump further in hyperspace. Are you capable of doing that? I’ll pay you a fair price if you manage to do it _correctly_.” Kylo explains quickly to him.

The guy nods briefly before standing up on his four inferior legs, approaching the A-wing.

“It’s an A-Wing?” the alien asks, surprised.

“Yes.”

“How d’you get that thing?”

“… I didn’t stole it, if it’s what concerns you.”

The alien laughs bitterly and shrugs.

“Son, you could have stolen it, it’s not my problem. Come back in a few hours, it should be done. But I’m warning you, it won’t be cheap.”

“I know,” Kylo dryly replies. He almost trips on Brave and sighs before lifting her in his arms. The droid cheers before falling silent, looking right and left from time to time.

 

The city is trash. Despise the cool air and the green grass, everything is dirty, pieces of metal and stone pile up in corners of the street as if no one’s taking care of the place. Buildings  are damaged, and  windows are closed for what seems quite a long time. It’s  _exactly_ the way Kylo imagined Mos Esley in Luke’s stories, when he was little. Dirty, dangerous,  chaotic. People can’t take care of themselves, and it’s why the Republic doesn’t have any power over places like this. Maybe he jump ed further than he imagined, because he’s clearly not in the Inner Rims. God damn A-Wing.  With a scowl, Kylo avoids stepping into  a puddle in the middle of the street and pet s absentmindedly Brave. She asks what’s wrong, and he simply shrugs.

“I don’t like this city. I’m not sure I could ever like places such as this one. It’s… everything I _abhor_ in the Galaxy. Chaos, dirt… I won’t even be surprised if it was a Hutt governing the place. What do you think?” 

Brave naively asks what a Hutt is, and Kylo raises an eyebrow, a  discreet smile on his lips.

“What happened to your memory core? No one bothered putting at least the sentient-species’ list in your knowledge?”

Brave wiggles back and forth in his arms, and Kylo looks up,  resuming his visit of the city.

“Hutts are… weird and gross, giant larvas with an oversized ego and a need to tyrannize others for their personal interests. You don’t want to find yourself in the same room as a Hutt.”

He then lets Brave try to explain to him how she’s not afraid of monsters and that she can and will protect him if they  have to fight Hutts. She definitively rewrote her protocol by herself on the  _Szechual_ , there’s no other way she would have found such courage.

Soon Brave’s binary babbling melts in the background as Kylo wanders in the streets, examining the place with renewed meticulousness. Is everyone armed? Why do people still use barter despise the fact they  _do_ have money? And more important…

Why is he followed?

Kylo starts studying his stalkers with the Force, trying to understand why they follow him and since when. He grits his teeth at the idea that he can’t trust anything, not even a fucking planet full of misfits where he is completely anonymous.

Or is he?

Turning left in a deserted back alley, Kylo then disappears in the shadows. One could think that because of his height, he’s _very bad_ at hiding. But it’s not true. Kylo is a _ninja_ , he can stay hidden from most of senses, even the Rodians’ sharp ones. He just prefers to show off. For the moment he’s just delighted at the sight of utter confusion in his stalker’s face. The guy, a human, obviously, looks in the back alley and curses. When he reaches for a comm-link Kylo doesn’t let him finish his move before he draws the man to him and catches him by the throat. The man gurgles a squeak, traumatized, but he doesn’t dare make a move. Kylo waits a few more seconds before releasing slightly the man’s trachea. Just to let him talk.

“What do you want?” the knight growls.

“I… We… I… I’m sent by Brogga… She’s the one c-controlling this place and… An… _Your_ A-Wing…? She want-ts to know if t-the Resistance will… put their nose in her business…?” 

Kylo lets the mercenary fa ll on the ground and frowns. 

“Brogga?” What the hell is Brogga? He never heard of this… queen? Mayor? He crouches near the now frightened man. “You can tell _Brogga_ I have more important matter than taking care of her shitty planet. But if she tries to stalk me again? I’ll send her agents in little boxes. Now _move_ before I decide to kill you.” 

He doesn’t need to be told twice. Kylo finds himself alone in the alley in an instant, and he sighs deeply before getting Brave out of his pocket. He nearly forgot her, and she doesn’t seem amused by the situation.

“It was a matter of life and death, Brave, don’t be like that.”

She angrily chirps and jumps out of his hands, her electromagnetic suspension preventing her from falling with ease. She now leads the way, barely waiting for Kylo. They walk back to the docking area, Kylo does hope his A-Wing is ready because in this planet he can smell troubles.

And he’s proved right. As he gets closer and closer to the bay, he feels something off in the air. Changes. Stress. Anticipation. People don’t act as they usually do, they’re…  _waiting_ for something. Maybe he shouldn’t have landed on this planet.  He stupidly hopes he’s not the one who provoked these changes, because if that’s him then Leia will hear about it and he can’t bear the idea. So he hurries up to fly away. 

His ‘luck’ isn’t happy with the idea, because there’s already an army waiting for him near his A-Wing. The mech is knelt not far from there, desperately pleading for his life, and shrieking that he has no idea who the A-Wing belongs to. That’s a good thing, Kylo thinks. At least they don’t know who he is, or for who he works. But he can’t let his ship here, so he has to help the mech and kill the mercenaries.

Besides it would be… immoral… to let the mech die because of his A-Wing. Right? Kylo sighs and comes closer, Brave on his heels.

“Hey, step away from my ship you mongrels!” He shouts, mostly to gain their attention, and surely because he believes what he’s saying. It’s not because he currently hates the ship that they have rights to touch it. That’s not working. The mercenaries turn to him like one man and, the one who seems like the leader frowns and steps forwards.

“Who are you?”

“I’m the owner of the A-Wing you’re mistreating. Do not make me repeat myself.”

The man comes closer to Kylo and raises his blade.

“We don’t want resistance scum in here. You’ll tell your leaders they have no business in Brogga’s territory.”

“I go where it pleases me, _mercenary_ , and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

The leader tries to stab Kylo.

How stupid.

The knight lazily makes a step aside to avoid him and catches his arm to break it in half. The man stumbles backwards with a scream of pain as all his friends grab their weapons and rush to attack.  Once again Kylo is in the middle of the fight, and he can barely protect himself, so attack without the Force is not an option. He only managed to bring down another one of the enemies, and it’s clearly not enough to make everyone stand back. But there is so m any people around… A crowd gathers around them, the Force-user can taste fear, but also hope. It’s confusing. 

As Kylo resigns himself to the fact that he  _needs_ the Force to get out of this and is about to choke the life out of his enemies, he’s surprised to hear a shout from behind him. The only thing he can do is jump on the side and witness the scene. 

A boy, barely a man, hits one of the soldiers right in the face with a shovel, quickly followed by other civilians. Kylo gets on his feet and goes back to fight. It’s easier with help, even if Kylo doesn’t like the idea. Soon all of the soldiers are down, and silence falls on the place. Searching his breath, Kylo looks around him, joined by a stressed and concerned Brave. The boy who attacked first takes a few steps back, but he looks at him with joy and hope.

“So this is true,” he says with stars in his eyes. “The Resistance _is_ coming to help us.” He then turns towards the crowd on the place and raises his staff, howling in the air “REBELLION!!” and laughing as everyone repeats the word like a war cry.

Kylo’s in deep shit.


	8. Hutt's Crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finds himself obliged to help the city he put in trouble because he's too careless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah, that's a... long, Chapter.  
> A moment of silence for Kylo.

“ _So this is true,” he says with stars in his eyes. “The Resistance is coming to help us.” He then turns towards the crowd on the place and raises his staff, howling in the air “REBELLION!!” and laughing as everyone repeat the word like a war cry._

_Kylo’s in deep shit._

 

Ok, so this isn’t so bad, considering the situation. It’s just, an entire city beginning a civil war against its government. No big deal. Right?

Kylo sighs, but he follows the rebellious group anyway. It’s a little bit of his fault if they are forced to hide so they can have time to regroup and find weapons. Kylo catches up to the kid leading the way and walks next to him.

“Why are you doing this?” he genuinely asks.

“Because Brogga is a tyrant, and we couldn’t do anything against her. But with you, with the Resistance with us? We can end her reign.”

Great. Kylo rolls his eyes.

“Who’s Brogga? I...” telling he never heard of her could be a bad idea “want to know more about the threat.” Ok that’s better.

The boy smiles and nods before explaining.

“Brogga is the Hutt controlling this city. You probably know Maharti is the biggest inhabited site on this planet.”

“Of course I know that,” the knight automatically lies.

“If we free Maharti from Brogga, we free the whole planet. And you know the Hutts, right? They’re not very warlike. They lose the planet, they’ll go.”

Ah, for Force’s sake, he _knew_ there was Hutts involved, there’s _always_ Hutts involved. He glares at the buildings, then looks back at the boy.

“You sound so hopeful,” Kylo remarks.

“I’ve spent my whole life under the tyranny of the Hutts. Brogga’s been Queen for a long time.”

That’s a little ridiculous, Kylo thinks, when the _boy_ talks about his _whole life_. That’s, what, twenty years? He ends the conversation and enters the secret hideout next to the leader. There’s already people inside. A worried old man quickly approaches the boy and hugs him as Kylo startles and steps back.

“Edan, I was worried, what the hell were you thinking?” he shouts. And the boy – Edan, it is – replies with a big smile.

“We’re going at war against Brogga and her men, and we’ll free the city, dad! The Resistance is coming to help us! It’s already beginning, everyone is fighting against the soldiers outside!”

“The Resistance is _not_ coming to help us,” Kylo feels compelled to remark. And the effect is immediate. Edan looks at him with big, sad, surprised eyes. Kylo adds quickly: “I mean, there’s not a whole army coming to this planet, the Resistance can’t do that. But I’ll help you.” He has no choice, the whole city is going to burn if he doesn’t react. And it’s ugly enough when it’s intact.

The man, Edan’s father, Kylo thinks with a weird ache in his chest, lets go of his boy to fully scrutinize him.

“And _who are you_?”

“I’m… with the Resistance. I’ve been sent by Leia Organa.” Kylo is _very bad_ at improvising. Brave is binary-laughing next to him, and he resists the urge to kick her away. “And I’ll help you, do you really need to know more? What’s the point? If I decide to leave, you will be wiped out by Brogga’s men! You need me, and that’s it.”

No one dares talking anymore. Kylo can feel in the air that they are way less hopeful. He can’t help them, inspire them. Passing a hand through his hair in frustration, Kylo makes his way to the door. Edan runs behind him to stop him, and as he places his hand on Kylo’s arm, the knight grabs him and pushes him away with a shout.

The door explodes.

Kylo has protected Edan from the worst of the explosion, but he doesn’t know how well the others are doing. Grunting under the effort, he pushes the rocks above him and gets out. Edan’s stunned, but he’s fine. Kylo offers help.

“Are you hurt?” he asks.

Edan shakes his head, wide-eyed, and catches Kylo’s hand to get on his feet. They look around them. Two people are slightly hurt. The rest is fine. While Edan runs to his father, soldiers burst through the broken entrance, fully armed. Taking advantage of the chaos, Kylo Force-lifts a large beam from the ground and throws it at the enemies, taking them down in one powerful move. When the rebels manage to get out, they finish the soldiers off.

Edan was right, the war already began, and the streets are transformed into a battleground. Kylo has to stop that, and quickly. He grabs Edan by the shoulder.

“Brogga! Where is she?!” He demands with a snarl. Edan is a little taken aback.

“I… Uh… This way, follow me!” he frees himself from the knight’s grasp, and starts running. Kylo and Brave follow him.

They move away from the heart of the battle, but people are already trying to break into Brogga’s _palace_. What’s with giant larva and palaces? Kylo comes closer to the large gates, and examines it. There’s guards, on top of the walls, but they don’t seem worried. There’s no window, no opening. He has to climb. He doesn’t have any blaster, he let them in the A-Wing, and he only has his lightsaber. That’s not good. Kylo takes Brave in his hands, then lets her grip on his shoulder. She’s delighted to come, it seems. Startling a rebel, he approaches him and reaches his hand.

“Give me your blade. I’m going to cut Brogga in half.”

“… With _that_?” the rebel asks, showing his pathetic little knife. Kylo nods.

“Yes, with that. I’ll come inside, and I will open the door from in there. Once I’ll do that, you come inside and you go for the weapon cache. Alright?”

They slowly nod and the man gives his knife to Kylo. As the knight easily finds a way to climb the palace (well, maybe not easy for everyone, but he’s not everyone), Edan stops him.

“Wait, what’s your name?”

Oh boy.

Kylo panics.

“… Matt?” Good enough.

Without waiting for an answer, Kylo makes a terrific jump and catches the wall, finding grips with ease and using the Force to prevent him from falling.

Once he’s on top of the wall, he offers a mocking smile to the shocked guard.

“You know the sad part? If you were down there, trying to kill the rebels, I couldn’t have killed you. But there’s no witnesses, here. So I’m going full _Kylo Ren_.”

Throwing the knife away, Kylo unsheathes his lightsaber and cuts the soldiers in pieces. His foes don’t even have time to scream, or even feel pain, and Kylo makes his way through each and every soldier in front of him. It doesn’t take long for the whole place to stop moving, and Kylo decides it’s time to open the gates for the rebels. He pushes the most obvious bodies aside so the others can’t know what killed them, then he uses the Force to make the heavy metallic doors open with loud noises.

Edan runs forward, his shovel in hand… and stops when he realizes there’s no enemies.

“Where…”

“They weren’t that numerous. Now come on before the other guards in the palace start regrouping. We don’t have a lot of time.”

Edan nods and guides the rest of the group in the luxurious building. They only encounter minimal resistance before they finally arrive in front of Brogga’s door, and Kylo wonders if they even thought about protecting the palace at the beginning of the civil war. Reckless. The Hutt is obviously not used to be attacked. With a kick, Kylo opens the doors and makes a scowl of disgust as he spots Brogga.

She. Is. Ugly. Three meters, one ton of pure fat, covered in jewelries and draperies. She even tries to wear make-up, and the results is… honestly disturbing. She covers her mouth with one of her short, thick hands in shock when she sees them.

“What are you doing here? Where is my guard?” She shouts violently, though she can’t even shift her own weight by herself.

“They are all dead,” Edan replies vehemently, once again taking the lead of his fellows. “You have lost, Brogga, surrender or die! This city is FREE from your tyranny!”

Brogga looks at him with utter confusion before trying to flee thanks to a trap door. More guards comes from another door, but the rebels defeat them with ease. Kylo curses and plunges into the trap behind Brogga. Brave comes with him, lighting their way in the dark, greasy, damp corridor. The smell is awful, and Kylo covers his nose and mouth with his sleeve.

“That’s… That’s disgusting. So, Brave, the monstrosity you just saw is a Hutt. I told you you didn’t want to cross way with one.”

Brave chirps that she isn’t afraid, and she flies forward first to prove her point. Kylo follows her in silence, moving away from the trapdoor. The Hutt can’t go fast, she isn’t far, but Kylo can’t see her, only sense her. He suspects another hideout, and starts patting the walls to find it. Even the walls are disgusting. How did he end up here? With a shout of rage and frustration, Kylo starts cutting the walls until he finally finds the hollow ones hiding Brogga. She screams in terror and tries to crush him with her tail. Kylo skillfully dodges her.

“Surrender, Hutt, or I swear it will be painful.”

“You can’t hurt me,” she cries as she wiggles her arms. “I’m important, I’m the QUEEN of this city! I’m Important!”

“Not for me, you aren’t. And because of you I’m stuck here and forced to play hero for these people.”

“So the Resistance IS trying to stop me!”

Kylo cringes and rolls his eyes. Why is he trying to talk to a Hutt? He lights up his lightsaber and pushes Brave away so she doesn’t end up covered in Hutt’s pieces.

Hutts are known for their ability to regenerate even their brains, and damaged tissues as well. It is said they are extremely difficult to kill.

Kylo wants to see that.

With a swift strike the knight plunges his saber in Brogga’s head, grinding his teeth with effort, as the Hutt screams in agony before falling silent, choked by her own blood. Kylo doesn’t stop there, he literally cuts the Hutt in parts, smashing as much as he can from the fat, monstrous body before him. There’s mucus everywhere, and the smell is _squalid_. But he can’t take the risk of letting a Hutt regenerate in the sewers. Once his butchery is done, Kylo pants and steps back from the unrecognizable form lying on the ground. Brave tells him she can no longer detect any form of life in there.

And she’s covered in blubber and blood. Kylo curses and grabs her before leaving the sewers. When he gets back Edan is about to greet him but he stops at a reasonable distance.

“Aw man, what happened?”

“She… showed resistance. I had to kill her. Trust me it’s _very_ difficult to kill. I… need a shower.”

Edan laughs and covers his mouth with his hand. Kylo wants to throw up but he stays strong, and looks in the palace for a shower and something to change his clothes while the rebels are taking down the last of Brogga’s defenses.

The city is free.

 

Kylo manages to find something to get himself and Brave cleaned, and even clothes that are a little too big for him – probably not human, though – but that’s a problem for another time. For the moment, this will do.

He has to get out of here.

When he leaves the palace, Edan is here, waiting for him. Kylo raises an eyebrow at the sight.

“My father is taking matters in hand,” the boy explains. “He wants elections, so he gathers the city. Thank you for all you did.”

Kylo shrugs and makes his way towards his ship. When he arrives, the whole A-Wing is as good as new, and he blinks in surprise at the mech. The alien laughs.

“Since you saved the city, take this as a reward. No charges for you, it’s a gift.”

“Oh… Well, thank you, then.” Kylo can only answer. He takes time to examine the ship, and he’s pleased by the results.

Nodding to the mech and to Edan, Kylo jumps into the A-Wing and prepares to fly off.

“Hey, Matt!” Edan shouts.

Kylo cringes. That… fucking name… He looks at the smiling boy.

“Come back whenever you want.”

Kylo closes the hub of his ship and turns the engine on, leaving the ground of that blasted planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all applause #Thiamma (my usual beta-reader, even if she's out of job for this contest) because she's the one who shouted "HE NEEDS ANOTHER NAME!!" and then we shouted "MATT" together because we are just incurable and we need other hobbies than making fun of characters.
> 
> See you tomorrow for another chapter of adventure!


	9. Blast attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo can finally catch his breath and travel anonymously in the Galaxy.  
> Wait...  
> Did you really believed that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii I'm late! Don't worry, the chapter's still here!  
> *throws the chapter on the site and then flies away*

“I swear, I’m _ill-fated_! It’s not my fault if the A-Wings are linked to the Resistance in people’s mind, they don’t use it since the _fall of the Empire_! Stop making fun of me, Brave!”

Kylo lets a frustrated growl escape from between his teeth as he glares at his droid. Brave flies back and forth in her cute little box the mech has added in the A-Wing. She already had a place especially for her size, but she seems happy with a little box. Kylo can’t complain, at least she’s not on his knees when he’s flying.

“Next time, we look for a planet without any problem. Alright?”

Brave agrees and examines the map while Kylo flies towards the Core worlds, testing his new hyperdrive’s limits, gleefully jumping from system to system.

He stops only in lost camps or crowded cantinas where he’s a nobody, and this for a few days, enjoying the new freedom. It’s nicer than he expected, to have no obligations, no priorities. Sure, he’s not working for the greater good, but he already saved a ship’s crew and a whole city, so he has every rights to take a break. He has no news from the Resistance, so maybe they _do_ leave him alone. And he’s not stupid enough to not take advantage of the situation.

Entering a cantina fueled by music and random conversations in every languages, Kylo puts his hood on and settles where he can see the whole place. No one is paying attention to him, he’s hidden enough to watch all he wants the activity of the cantina.

Dozens of sentient species cohabit in the same space, talking multitude of languages, like a frenzied waltz played in every corner of every rat-spot in the galaxy. There’s at least five mercenaries selling their skills, a smuggler bringing what he stole to his client, others taking jobs. And no one looks twice before sitting in front of a criminal, because that’s how it works. Kylo absentmindedly sips at his drink, letting Brave comment and question what’s happening before them. He stays there for a moment before he feels _this presence._

_HIS PRESENCE._

Kylo promptly gets up from his chair and looks around. He spots him.

And now he remembers his name.

Ashdar from the Galactic Mockingbirds.

Apparently Ashdar saw him too, for he is coming right at him. No one stops him in the cantina, even when he draws two blasters and shoots at Kylo. The knight kicks a table and crouches behind it, hoping it will stop most of the blasts. It does, but Ashdar doesn’t give up for the moment.

“Get out, mister Force-User! I have a gift for you, and it’s PAIN! Come on, let’s play!”

Kylo grits his teeth and grabs his blaster, ready to shoot. He replies, still under cover.

“Keep talking, you’re the one who used the Force to find me. Ashdar, is it?”

“Glad you remember my name! What’s yours?”

This is surreal. Kylo frowns, breathes and gets up to shoot at Ashdar. Almost everyone is ready to fight in the cantina, now, and those who don’t have fled. Kylo can count the opponents, they are numerous.

He could kill them all. They attacked him first, after all. It’s only justice if he Force-chokes them. Right? Ashdar whistles, and Kylo gets up to strangle his foes.

His breath is caught in his throat.

He can’t use the Force.

He _can’t USE THE FORCE!!_

He dives back in his hiding place when the pirates shoot at him, Ashdar’s laugh covering the blasters’ noises.

“Surprised? I hope you are. You can’t force everyone to commit suicide, this time! I hope you’re not too disappointed.”

“Oh, I am, trust me. But I don’t need the Force to kill you.”

“Well...” Ashdar shrugs and smiles again. “For the moment you are surrounded, so surrender. I promise I won’t kill you, _yet_ , you are _far_ more valuable alive. So, be nice and come out of your hideout, or I blow the cantina up, and everyone in it. Since you fought so hard to keep everyone alive, it’d be a waste, wouldn’t it?”

Kylo growls, but it’s true. He softly puts Brave on the ground and motions to her to be silent. He whispers.

“You have to flee, Brave. Don’t follow me, alright? They won’t hesitate to dismember you. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’m going to follow them, and after that I’m going to kill them all. But I’m doing this _alone_ , So… just stay hidden.”

Brave shakes a little, but she doesn’t make a sound. Ashdar looks like he’s losing patience.

“What the hell are you doing in there?”

“Calculating my chances of killing you all with two blasters,” Kylo replies straightaway.

“… Why would you do that?” Ashdar asks, taken aback and confused. “You… You lost, mate, just get out of there and surrender!”

Kylo follows Brave with his eyes as she hides beneath a broken table, then he gets up and raises his hands.

“Alright.”

He approaches Ashdar and his men, trying to figure out why he can’t use the Force. It’s still there, it’s just… inaccessible. It makes Kylo nervous,unaware of his environment.

Maybe he’s just too much accustomed to the Force. The glimpse of a reptilian tail catches his gaze in the large coat of one of the Pirate, and the knight bares his teeth, understanding the problem.

Ysalamir. Those little fucking lizards able to prevent any use of the Force. So the Galactic Mockingbirds have way more money than he could have guessed.

Maybe he’s really fucked.

As he stands in front of Ashdar, Kylo looks up and down at the leader of the pirates.

“I pictured you taller. Now that I can have a look up close, you’re not very impressive.”

He takes a _very_ painful blast in the ribs and blacks out.

 

 

 

Brave almost squeaks when she sees Kylo fall, but she doesn’t. He expressly told her not to make a sound. She has to listen.

Kylo’s in danger, and she’s alone. That’s not good. She can’t let that happen, she’s his droid, his best friend, and she told him she would protect him from the Hutts!

The man in front of Kylo is not a Hutt, obviously. He looks like a human, and Brave’s sensors can’t be wrong when it’s about humans. That’s one of the few species she knows. Kylo said he would give her the list of the other species, and until now he told her about every species they encountered when they stopped in camps and cantinas.

She doesn’t have time to think about species. Kylo’s being kidnapped! She briefly follows them when they go out of the bar, leaving only scared aliens and broken furniture in the building. No one stops them, Brave wonders why. In the Resistance, they would have helped. Here, no one is helping. Kylo is dragged to a ship and just like that they _kidnap_ him! Brave vibrates from horror and anger, and she swiftly makes her way in the streets around the cantina to find the A-Wing. She mechanically opens it and floats to attain the cockpit. She largely prefers when Kylo lifts her but now this will do. Her EMS is not very powerful, she can’t properly _fly_ , so it takes time for her to manage to enter the ship. She has to remember to talk to Kylo about that, that’s not very practical for her to be stuck out of the A-Wing when he’s not around.

Connecting herself to the ship’s controls, the droid takes command and flies to space, following the signal left by Kylo’s tracker. She hopes the pirates won’t use hyperspace too soon, and she tries to hack up their signal, so she would be able to follow them wherever they go. She can’t let Kylo alone, he will hurt himself, just like he covered them in mucus and blood and brain. And almost died in a broken space ship.

She definitively can’t let Kylo alone.

Just as she manages to track the signal, the pirates vanish into hyperspace in front of her, and Brave lets binary insults flood the entire ship. She briefly opens the map, looking for the ship, and activates the hyperdrive to get them.

This is not what her droid’s brain expected. They move further away from the Inner Rims, deeper into the Unknown Region, and she can’t fly there, because she only can relate to maps! _She doesn’t have a biological brain_ why do they do this to her? She can _see_ the ship, the pirates’ ship, going deeper into the unknown part of her map, and she prudently follows the beeping point into the wild. All the ship’s sensors are activated, Brave is concerned. What if there’s an asteroid field? What if there’s an unknown planet? What if she gets lost?! She follows anyway.

She can’t let Kylo alone. He was so confused, when he couldn’t make people die just by lifting his hand.

Finally they arrive at a _big ship_ , a monstrous flying city, magnificent even for droid’s sensors. The entire body of the ship is covered with mirrors, reflecting space around it, making it invisible for who’s getting too close. It’s about the size of the _Szechual_ , if not bigger, Brave can’t really know, she just understood Kylo had found the _Szechual_ way too big. And for her sensors, that ship is too big. She can’t go alone in there! Getting away to be out of range, Brave puts the A-wing in orbit around a planet a few millions kilometers away, knowing where exactly the space city is. And she sends a signal in the only frequencies she knows: the Resistance. She hopes someone will hear her. She feels quite alone in the big nothing. Finally, someone responds to her signal.

“This is the Black One speaking, we heard your distress signal, please explain your situation, help is on the way,” a familiar, yet unknown voice is speaking, but at least Brave knows it’s Resistance. Black One is a commander’s ship, that she is able to tell.

She starts to tell her problem on the frequency, but she’s interrupted by the voice.

“Whoa, whoa… Why am I talking to a _droid_?”

Brave binary sighs. It will take time to explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this was an experiment. I absolutely love when droids are on their own in the movies, and I wanted to try it on my fic. Besides, it makes a little challenge, and some changes in my work's pattern.  
> Hope you liked it!  
> Anyways, back to Kylo, his fucking big mouth and his ability to find himself in problems bigger than him.  
> That, and surprise guests in the next chapter!  
> See you tomorrow!


	10. Norns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Kylo tries to free himself, help is on the way.  
> It pleases neither of the two parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Wow, 144 hits, I'm so happy, thank you!  
> This one is 100% action and swearing, and very angry Force-Users!  
> Give it a try, you'll see, it's not so bad!

Kylo paces in his cell like a lion, turns in circles in the little space he’s allowed. He never has been _so pissed off_ in his entire life. From where he is he can _see_ the Ysalamir on the shoulder of its master. So close, yet so far and he can’t reach it to break its god damned neck! Every time he tries, his jailor simply takes a step back and it’s the end. Kylo’s in this prison for many hours, now. He’s hungry and he’s bored.

Sooo BORED!

“LET ME OUT OR I PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR BRAIN!!”

The man only laughs, making Kylo angrier. He has to get out! He doesn’t even _know where he is_! There’s no help coming. Kylo rages and screams and hits walls for hours, and no one cares. What’s wrong with this galaxy?! With a loud sigh, Kylo tries to find another way to make the man come closer, so he can finally bash his head. Leaning against the door of his cell, Kylo rests his head against the bars.

“Hey,” he simply says, and watch as his jailor offers him half of his attention. “How much am I valuable?”

“I don’t know,” the man replies with a shrug, barely bothering the Ysalamir. “Force-users are rare, so I guess it’s a very pretty price. But I’m don’t know how much exactly.”

“I made you lose a whole bunch of money, on the Szechual, right?”

“Yes you did.”

Kylo stays silent a moment. But not for too long.

“So I’m currently your only way to make up for all that cash?”

The man doesn’t answer, this time, but he tenses, and Kylo knows he gets him.

“I’m going to kill myself.” Kylo then states, a pout on his face.

And just as his jailor turns to look at him with horror, the knight bites _hard_ on his wrist and rips skin and flesh, letting the blood flow.

Oh.

That’s actually a _lot_ of blood. He tastes metal on his tongue, and makes a face as he wipes his chin against his sleeve. His arm and hand are quickly tainted in red, and the jailor panics. He approaches with loud curses, letting his guard down, and it’s all Kylo needs to grab him by the neck and smash his skull against the bars. The sound is unpleasant, but at least the pirate will never recover from this one. The Ysalamir cries and jumps further, but not far enough for Kylo to have the Force back.

As he stops the blood flow with a piece of fabric from his shirt, Kylo grabs the keys and the man’s blaster and opens his cell.

He’s free.

How come he didn’t think about that sooner? That can’t be stupidity, of course.

He’s Kylo Ren, he’s not stupid.

Let’s say he was distracted.

Kylo goes for the lizard, but the creature doesn’t want to play, and jumps away from him. Shrugging, the knight then decides to let it where it is, and looks for the prison’s exit. He will have the Force back once he is far away from the Ysalamir.

He quickly has to realize it’s not coming back. Frowning behind the prison’s door, Kylo turns around… and the lizard is following him!

“… Are you for real?” He incredulously asks. The Ysalamir gets its tongue out and glares at him.

Kylo tries to shoo it. He makes large moves with his arms to frighten the Ysalamir.

Nothing.

With a desperate groan, Kylo crouches and looks daggers at the not-so-impressed creature.

“… You’re a pain in the ass,” Kylo hisses. “Why are you following me? We’re not friends, and you’re not _bound_ to follow me! Just… Go on your merry way!” Nothing. Kylo loses hope. “… You want to come with me? Once I get out I send you back to your little freaky planet and we don’t have to cross each other’s road. What do you think of that? I don’t have all day, So… If you’re here to stop me from using the Force at least stay where I can see you.”

He can’t kill this creature. That’s a lizard with a lizard’s brain. And even if he wanted to kill it, he _can’t_ catch it, so…

The Ysalamir seems to know it’s out of danger, and it prudently comes closer, but not too close. Kylo sighs and presents his valid arm. The lizard jumps on his shoulders.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Kylo?” the knight asks himself with a sigh, standing up once the Ysalamir is settled. “You could have gone and try to find a way to get rid of the _blasted_ lizard, but no, you have to take it with you like you’re working for an animals’ rights organization. Be stupid, you won’t be able to do it once you’re dead.”

Unlocking the blaster, Kylo opens the prison’s door and starts to shoot at soldiers in the hallway.

 

 

 

 

“Are you sure this is here?” Rey asks doubtfully Brave. The droid nods and beeps at the giant ship before the Falcon.

Finn whines and rubs his face.

“Why are we here? Why are we following a _tiny_ droid towards probable death?”

“Because Ren’s in this ship,” Poe replies from the co-pilot’s seat, a frown on his face. “If it was up to me I’d let him there, but according to the MSE-E he’s in this shit because he saved a freighter from pirates and said pirates now want him dead. I don’t want to be too goody-two-shoes, but that wouldn’t be fair to abandon him. We’re not like that. Right?”

Finn mumbles undecipherable words, and Rey nods fiercely.

“We’re going to get him out, and then we’re going to kick his ass for putting himself in troubles. The General asked him to stay out of problems, and yet _here he is_.”

Poe laughs, Finn groans in despair, and Rey pushes the Falcon towards the pirates’ ship. They try to stay hidden, flying low, going under the radar by going _under_ the massive spacecraft. That’s the problem with big ships, they are very low, and they have _a lot_ of blind spots. That may be their chance. Brave is bouncing on her EMS, chirping warnings to Rey and Poe as they concentrate on piloting the Falcon. Finn checks and re-checks his weapons, still not happy about what they’re doing.

As fast as the wind they approach the doors and Rey looks at the magnetic field protecting the ship from space.

“There’s no doors?” She asks.

“That’s how star destroyers worked, if we go fast they can’t close the gates in time. But we will have company!”

And to prove him right blasters target the Falcon seconds after Poe’s sentence. Swirling to avoid the deadly shots, Rey decides to go for it and enters the magnetic field, crashing into the docking bay with loud noises, startling the defenders.

“Don’t break the Falcon!” Poe rises up, offended.

“It’s garbage, stop idolizing it!” Rey replies, grabbing her lightsaber and jumping from the pilot’s seat to rush towards the ramp. The two boys follow her quickly, and as soon as the door is open they exchange blasts with enemies, ignoring the yelps and cries of agony when they hit their targets. The pirates are numerous. It’s a whole army.

“Go on,” Poe yells above the explosions. “Find the guy, BB and I stay here and make sure our way home is safe!”

Finn and Rey nod and run to the door, still dodging blasters and grenades. Brave takes the lead and flies in the corridors, scanning every corner of the ship to find her master. She makes a comment that makes Rey laugh and Finn frowns.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“The little droid… she says she’s sure Kylo hurt himself and he waits for her to save him.”

“That’s...” Finn stops and tilts his head. “She?”

Brave binary scowls at the ancient trooper and runs faster in the hallway. As Rey runs behind her, she follows her in a narrow corridor… and violently collides with a Kylo covered in blood.

 

 

 

 

Kylo steps back and finds his balance, growling at Rey who falls miserably on the ground.

“What?! What are YOU DOING HERE??”

“Don’t yell!” Finn shouts as well. “We’re here because _your droid_ asked us to save you!”

“My...” Kylo looks down and spots Brave. He immediately crouches to greet his droid. “Brave! What’s going on, you were supposed to wait for me! And, _them_ , really? You had to choose them to help you?”

Brave chirps happily and greets the lizard on Kylo’s shoulder, delighted to find her friend safe and well. Well… except from the blood.

Rey stands up and dusts her clothes, looking daggers at the knight.

“You’re disgusting. Why are you covered in blood?”

“I can’t use the Force, I had to improvise,” Kylo snarls at her. At the same time, Rey realizes she can’t reach for the Force. She looks at him with horror, and Kylo motion towards the Ysalamir.

“Wh.. Why are you keeping this if it cuts you from the Force?!”

“I can’t leave it there! It’s too valuable for Ashdar!”

They’re interrupted by other shots, and Kylo ducks in the corner to avoid being hit. The lizard hisses at Rey, and Finn blasts the enemies.

“We don’t care, lizard or not we have to go!”

It’s painful to say, but Kylo agrees. He jumps on the nearest foe and stabs him twice with his lightsaber before returning to his blaster and aiming at the survivors. It’s a rampage. Rey grabs him by the arm and forces him to follow her, and he practically bites her.

“Don’t be like that, we have to go, there’s no need to kill everyone!”

“Oh _r_ _eally_?! You say that because they’re not after you!! Their leader wants my head!”

Nonetheless he follows her, only because he has no chance to finish off the whole ship all by himself. With a frustrated growl he runs in the hallways with the two people he hates the most, taking Brave in his arms to avoid losing her. They arrive on the upper deck, and Finn shoots twice at the control commands to make sure the enormous gates stay open by the time they attain the Falcon. They can see Poe from where they are, and he’s… surrounded by enemies. Kylo crashes the windows of the control room and jumps. He ends up crashing on a ship a few meters down and hisses in pain as he lands off on his bad arm. He shouldn’t have hurt himself that badly. The Ysalamir makes a frightened noise, but it seems fine, and Brave is out of damage. Soon Rey and Finn join him on the sorry wreck he made.

“I hope you hurt yourself,” Rey hisses. She then gets down from the broken ship and goes to help Poe. Finn and Kylo do the same.

“Let’s go, let’s not push our luck!!” Poe shouts to them, retreating in the Falcon.

While the Falcon gets frantically out of ground, preparing itself to jump in hyperspace, Kylo stays in front of the open ramp door, shooting at pirates.

His eyes meet Ashdar’s, and the man is livid, so angry he could turn into a Sith Lord right now. With a bitter laugh, Kylo waves at him, letting the door close between them. The Falcon disappears in space.

 

 

“Are you CRAZY?!” Rey yells at Kylo while the knight properly bandages his wrist. The Ysalamir sleeps in the table not far from them, preventing any burst of Force from both.

“What have I done, this time, to upset the poor precious little girl??”

“What...” Rey throws her arms to the air. “Why were you in there?! What have you done?”

Kylo stands up to overpower Rey just with his size, and bares his teeth at her.

“You have _no right_ to yell at me! I didn’t ask for you to come and get me out!! I didn’t! You’re the one to blame for that! You followed a MSE-E!”

Rey breathes deeply, as to take control of her emotions, and glares at Kylo.

“Can you act like a grown man for once?”

“I did everything that was expected from me!! I saved people! I freed a whole fucking city! Why are you complaining?! You just hate me and you can’t stand the fact that I was given the right to leave the Resistance _alone_! You’re just as full of hate as I can be!”

Rey takes a step back and grabs her weapon, and Kylo does the same. Brave beeps with concern near Kylo, gently asking him to calm down. The lizard raises his head to look at them.

“Prove me you can change, then,” Rey replies firmly. “I have to help a planet ravaged by war, and you will accompany us.”

Kylo throws his lightsaber on the table not far from the Ysalamir who doesn’t bother opening an eye, only shifting his weight with an unimpressed glare. The knight leaves the room, going to a less crowded one, and he sits on a crate to take his head between his hands.

 

Theses three assholes ruined his all life, messed up all he was believing in. They had been the Norns deciding of his Fate until the end, and yet they weren’t done with him.

At this point he was just hoping that wasn’t more bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapter are longer and longer, I'm so done with myself... The next one won't be shorter, because I have like... a lot to do. And many characters to write.  
> Anyway, I'll do it even if I had 3000 words to write.  
> See you Tomorrow!


	11. Chained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has to follow Rey and her friends towards a planet he doesn't even want to know about.  
> and he will probably be forced to saved said planet.  
> Wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah.  
> My computer stopped working, deleting at the same time more than half of this chapter, and I had to do it again. I love my life.  
> Anyways, I'm super late but here it is, raw from my mind so don't mind the flaws...  
> I hope tomorrow will be better..  
> Well... Tomorrow's today, dammit.

When the Falcon enters the planet’s atmosphere, Kylo decides to approach the cockpit to see where they’re headed. He leans on the control panel between the two pilot seats, scaring Finn to the point of a heart attack.

“Damn, could you make at least some _noise_ when you’re creeping on people like that??” the man whines, but Kylo’s indifferent. He looks through the glass to examine the planet.

“We’re still on the system of the mockingbirds’ ship. Do you want them to attack us again?”

“They kidnapped you,” Rey clarifies with a smirk.

The knight growls at her but doesn’t make a move, only retreating away from the control panels. He’s too close to them.

“Why are we here?” he asks.

“Because your little droid – Brave, is it? It let your ship somewhere here and we’re going to get it,” Poe explains, completely unfazed by the animosity around him. “Unless you want to travel with us in the Falcon?” he says that with a mischievous smile, his eyes still locked in front of him.

“I want my A-Wing back,” Kylo replies with a frown on his face. “I don’t want to stay with you any longer than necessary. It’s painful enough to have you on my back. And Brave’s not ‘it’. She’s a ‘she’. For a man who practically screws his droid, you should know better.”

He then turns on his heels, ignoring the shocked gasp coming out of Poe, and leaves the cockpit. He now waits for the Millennium Falcon to land on a desert moon, lost in his thoughts, patting Brave while she explains something he doesn’t care to listen.

It always takes all his concentration to translate what she says, he has never been good with binary language. He’s slowly learning, maybe one day he’ll become fluent.

For now that’s just background noise as he feels more and more the pull of the moon gravity center, still lighter than a real planet but that’s always better than fake gravity on a floating garbage.

Kylo looks around him, it has been ages since he last was in the Falcon, and it’s still the same old and clunky trash, too close to break at the first bump.

He always hated the Millennium Falcon. Everything in it. Everything this ship is.

A burning scar on his face.

Kylo carefully hides this thought in a box at the bottom of his mind. He doesn’t want to think about it.

He doesn’t _need_ to.

Passing his hand on his eyes, Kylo sighs and looks at the room he is in through his fingers. The Ysalamir is still here, loving the table where he spends most of its time. Kylo is seated at a respectable distance, finally able to feel the Force.

It doesn’t make him feel better.

He needs to leave the Falcon.

It’s funny, he spent his whole life leaving things.

The sudden landing on the moon saves Kylo from himself as he abruptly stands up, somewhat hiding his feelings to the three idiots coming from the cockpit. They wait for the door to open, and look around on the deserted, barely breathable planet. Brave didn’t have time to think about that, she’s a droid, she doesn’t need to breathe, and Poe hadn’t mind when he came to get her before waiting for the Falcon. His Black One is waiting near the A-Wing. Poe turns towards Rey and smiles at her.

“You’re going to be okay, Rey?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Finn’s an exquisite co-pilot.”

Kylo rolls his eyes and jumps down from the access ramp, only to be stopped by the Jedi.

“We stay in contact by the radio, and you follow us towards the planet, you hear me?”

“Yes, _mom_ ,” Kylo bites back before pushing her. He settles on his A-Wing, relieved to find the familiar, little place. He let the Ysalamir in the Falcon, he can’t take it on the A-Wing. Brave finds her little box with delight, and they leave the satellite. It’s the first time Kylo uses the communication device on the A-Wing, and he has to fight with it to understand how it works before placing the headset on.

“Where are we going?” he asks, boredom leaking from his voice. He’s rewarded by a loud sigh.

“To the Core Worlds,” Poe replies. “I send you the coordinates. There has been troubles with the whole system, and the weakest planets are taking most of the damages. Hunger, war, crimes… We have to let them know the Republic has not abandoned them…”

“You’re trying to win votes for you future ‘democratic’ tyranny. I get it.” Kylo interrupts him. “Wonderful.”

“It’s not...” Poe starts, but he stops, and the knight understands the pilot doesn’t see why he should explain himself.

They jump into hyperspace, traveling millions of light-years in the spawn of hours. Kylo allows himself to close his eyes and rest, more at-ease in his little ship than in all the place the Falcon has to offer. Brave offers to watch out, and he discreetly smiles at her, accepting. He’s worn-out by his misadventures with the pirates, and the loss of the Force because of the Ysalamir was more exhausting than he hoped.

Eventually, Brave has to wake him up as the hyperspace stops in a Core Worlds’ system. The planet in front of his ship is… ridiculous. It looks so little, but at the same time it’s covered in cities. Carefully entering the planet’s atmosphere, they land on a more or less abandoned part of it, hoping they would stay hidden while no one’s looking at the sky. If the whole planet is falling apart, it’s better if they are unknown. Rey comes down from the Falcon, and Finn joins quickly Poe near the Black One.

“Okay,” Rey says with determination. “I’ve set a meeting with all the leaders of the Republic’s supporters. It’s… a _lot_ of people, so I hope it will go well. I count on you to protect this meeting, alright?”

“Of course,” Finn replies with a smile.

“We’re on it,” Poe assures.

“Like we had a choice in this,” Kylo balks, crossing his arms.

That doesn’t seem to bother Rey, who smiles happily at her friends before leading the way. Kylo sighs deeply and loudly, walking behind them, playing with his turned off lightsaber while Brave floats near him. He’s already tired.

Rey stops without a warning and turns towards him, visibly _upset_. It sets Kylo on the edge of anger.

“What _now_??”

“You’re supposed to _prove_ that we can trust you! That you can _change_! That’s what Master Luke and Master Yoda asked you to! Why are you acting like a grounded teenager?!”

“Don’t insult me, _pest_! I’m not here because I want to, so _no_ I’m not too happy about it! You are _everything_ I loathe on this galaxy, Kriffing goody-two-shoes baby Jedi full of hope and compassion for everyone but your enemies, you hypocrite! Stop thinking I don’t make effort to make amends of what I did because _I do_ , I already told you! Now go to you stupid meeting and leave me alone, I won’t destroy the blasted planet!”

Rey glares at him before going on her way again. Kylo wonders how he came to be so unlucky, to be trapped here with people he hates.

 _Karma_ , a voice replies in the back of his head.

Kylo startles and stupidly spins round to look behind him, as if the voice wasn’t the one creeping in his head for years.

He’s really tired.

 

They finally arrive at the rendezvous point, already crowded with people. They look relieved, when they see the Resistance among them, and Kylo pities them for a second. If they really think repeating what happened thirty years ago will help them, then they’re far too stupid to be saved. Always they fall for pretty eyes and pretty words. That how Leia formed the New Republic. Smiles, words, hope. But still no solution against the chaos in one’s own mind. Let this chaos settle in each and everyone one of them, and soon every ‘civilized’ planet falls into debauchery and anarchy. They need rules. They need to be patronized. Otherwise they are just a bunch of careless children.

Brave on his heels, he starts circling the large room of the depot they are in, hidden from the rest of the world in this abandoned warehouse. He scans every person, every individual as they hang on Rey’s lips, on her pretty words she probably learned in the Resistance’s base. He suspects traitors among this assembly, There’s always a traitor. They are fifty. Fifty leaders of a group still believing in the Republic’s lies. They are afraid to blink, afraid they’ll miss something important, as three of the most important figures of this time are standing in front of them.

Kylo’s personal Norns. Thinking about that, the knight raises his eyes to look at them.

Poe Dameron, the one that started it all, with this map, with this droid.

Finn, the one that desperately went on, tracing one step after the other the path Kylo had to take.

And _Rey_ , the girl that stopped everything. That provoked his doom and ruined all he had been for the past six years.

He hates them. He hates them for making him feel vulnerable, miserable. Too human.

Another strain of hate brushes his thoughts, and he immediately thinks it’s Rey’s, but it’s not. Blinking to grasp the real world, Kylo promptly turns around to find the _one. The traitor_. His hate leaks by every pore of his skin, his eyes are locked on the trio, as if he could kill them only with his glare.

Well he can’t. Kylo draws his blaster and shoots near the man. Rey stops abruptly and looks at him with disbelief, but he can’t care less.

“Surrender, traitor.”

The man gets up and raises his hand, first looking at Kylo with surprise, then laughing.

“You can’t stop us, it’s too late. This planet won’t belong to the Republic, _again_ , because you can’t protect us, you failed too many times!”

As he says that, Kylo and Rey exchanges a worried glance, feeling at the same time the arrival of an army around the warehouse.

Everyone draw their weapons as soon as Rey unsheathes her lightsaber, and Kylo shoots twice in the traitor’s knees.

“Prepare to fight!” Rey shouts.

Why does this always have to happen??

 _Karma_ , the voice says again. This time Kylo isn’t startled. He should have seen this coming.


	12. Cold Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Planet fall into some sort of civil war, Kylo lets his anger get the better of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My, my, I love it when I manage to finish a chapter in due time without stress.  
> I should try it, sometimes.  
> Enjoy!

There’s fire everywhere, people fighting each other in the now too crowded warehouse. Kylo can barely use another sense than the Force, now, and even that is ridiculously difficult. He has never seen so much _hatred_ , so much blind, cold determination. Only in the First Order.

There’s also fear. A tremendous loss of hope.

Maybe that always has been like that, but he realizes only now.

With a fierce war cry, Kylo decides to use his lightsaber despite the whole Republic thing. He doesn’t care if people know who he is. He wants _blood_. Swirling like a dancer, Kylo recognizes foes from allies only thanks to the Force, and takes down each enemy like a storm of pure anger and crackling energy. His lightsaber cuts flesh, limbs, hearts, he doesn’t care looking, as long as they fall like flies on his way. Soon there’s no one to kill, and he’s left in the middle of the slaughterhouse, his breath ragged and heavy, his shoulder burning where he probably took a shot but hasn’t paid attention until now. Now, because of the silence, he can feel eyes on him, fear _of him_ , and Rey’s hateful glare on the back of his head. So he turns around, eyes black with adrenaline, and he lets out a mad, bitter laugh before spreading his arms wide, as to present all he has done.

“Long live the Republic,” he mocks, making the surviving leaders flinch. “But don’t think that’s over. Your kin is going to get slaughtered if you don’t react.”

And just with that he catches Brave in mid-air and bursts out of the warehouse. He’s going to save those people, because it’s not _fair_ if they are killed only because they believe in a stupid dream. He runs to his A-Wing and jumps in it, aiming at the nearest city he has to save. If he’s got a whole planet to help, he has no time to waste. Flying over fields and grass, he soon sees the first inhabited hole appear in the horizon, and he was right. It’s Edan’s city all over again. What was its name, again?

Bah.

The city is built around a giant arena. It gives Kylo an idea.

Kylo aims at an enemy tank, destroying it with a precise shot right between it’s caterpillar tracks and the shell. The vehicle flies for a breve moment before landing heavily on its head. That’s pure ecstasy. Kylo swiftly lands his A-Wing and jumps on the ground, not taking any break as he runs to the first group of survivors.

“You have to regroup!” He demands. “You’re vulnerable if you stay here, go for the arena. Place sentinels around and over it, and watch out for any explosive material aimed at you. I take care of the tanks!”

He uses the Force to anchor the orders in people’s head, sending them warn the largest part of the population. Everything starts falling into order, as they manage to find and take every soul with them. Kylo gets back on his A-Wing and protects the now moving crowd from the sky. It’s no easy task.

But he’s _Kylo Ren_. He can do _anything._

“ _What’s the position?_ ” the knight suddenly hears over his headset, and he fumbles with it for a few seconds before managing to put it on his head.

“I gathered the civilians into the arena, they’re trying to protect it, and I’m wiping out the rest of the enemies. Why?”

“ _No, nothing,_ ” Dameron says, aboard his X-Wing. “ _That’s actually an idea, I’m going on another city to see the damages_. _I’ll think about it._ ”

“Yeah, do that,” Kylo replies, deadpan.

He continues his carnage until the flow of enemies diminishes drastically, then he lands near the arena to talk to a sentinel. They _did_ listen to him, that’s refreshing.

“I managed to clean most of the city, from here you can take control. I’m leaving for another town, Try not to die,” he simply says, and the man nods.

He then gets back on his ship, again, and leave for another city.

The task is long, difficult. He tries to think about the civilians _before_ killing everyone, it’s new. But he can do that. The Falcon’s frequency is oddly silent, but Kylo saw it, so they’re not dead.

Too bad.

At the end of the day they almost saved most of the important cities, leaving the villages to the care of the Planet’s resistance. That’s the problem with planets like that, when there’s half of it for a party, and the other half for change. They can’t stay friends. They have to fight. Kylo thinks they should have stayed out of this. But it’s the Republic. The Resistance. They need their planets obedient, docile, but at the same time they want to make them feel free. That can’t happen.

What they just did?

It was no better than the First Order.

And maybe it’s a little bit of Kylo’s fault.

Maybe.

He lands near the X-wing and the Millennium Falcon, not sure why he does that. But he proved Rey he was able to take care of himself, didn’t he?

Rey gets down from the Falcon and practically _runs_ to him, and before he can say anything smug or stupid, she punches him in the face. Kylo takes a few steps back, trying to keep his balance, and brings his hand to his nose to stop the blood from flowing. He looks at Rey, incredulous.

“Wha… _WHY_?! What was _that_ for??”

“YOU KILLED EVERYONE YOU MONSTER!!” she screams, stuck between anger and horror. He knows precisely what she’s talking about.

“Yes!! Yes I did, because if I didn’t do it, _w_ _e_ would have been killed! Is that what you wanted?? Die in a disgusting warehouse, surrounded by cowards?! Please, next time _do_ tell me, so I can leave you to DIE!! This is war, Jedi! I… Dameron blows up a whole planet without thinking about the civilians working on it, and he’s praised like a hero, but I kill enemies in a battlefield and I’M the monster?!”

The place falls silent, only disturbed by Rey’s hiccups as she tries to recompose, to steady her breath.

“I...” she stutters. “I wanted to go through this problem with peace. Patience. I wanted to save this planet.”

“Breaking news, girl, you can’t save people from themselves,” he sourly bites back. She frowns and looks at him up and down before answering.

“Yes. I see that, now. Deep down you’re a heartless murderer who takes pleasure in killing people on the battlefield. You used your Sith Lightsaber, not bothered by the fear around you. Then you openly mocked the Resistance and ran away to kill more people.”

“I SAVED THE CIVILIANS!! I MADE MINIMUM CASUALTIES!! I HELPED THIS PLANET!!” he’s losing control, and this time he doesn’t try to stop.

Before she can even reply, Kylo raises his hand and in the second her throat is gripped between his fingers. He can feel her struggling for air, her legs kicking uselessly between them. She doesn’t even think about hitting him, how pathetic.

Kylo hears the distinct _click_ of a blaster, and he feels the metal pressed on the back of his head, cold in the black locks of his mane.

“Let her go,” he hears Finn’s voice demands. “ _N_ _ow_.”

Slowly, Kylo loosens his hand, and Rey falls on the ground. He can see, now, that both Poe and Finn have their blasters drawn, and they aim at him even after he released the girl. He bares his teeth.

“I’m tired of being judged despite the fact that I’m doing everything I can to follow Luke’s orders. I did… everything… that was in my power. And yet you’re looking at me as if I had a nuclear bomb between my hands. You’re worthless because you’re afraid. Afraid of what you can’t control. Don’t worry it happens to every resistance scum.”

“Oh, because the First Order _loves_ what he can’t control, bend and use.” Poe sarcastically replies.

“Why do you think I left them?” Kylo asks, raising an eyebrow. He crosses his arms and leans against his A-Wing as Brave climbs onto his shoulder. He forgets for a moment the pain on his face. “They had good ideas, but awful methods, and more awful ways to accomplish what they wanted. You can’t win if you try too hard to control _everything_ in one day. You have to be careful. Hux was not. Snoke was not. If he had been, he wouldn’t be dead.”

Finn grits his teeth, not lowering his blaster as he protectively sets an arm around Rey’s waist.

“You can’t win if you look for violent victory,” he says, sure of his words.

“That’s because you’re not violent enough, then,” is Kylo’s immediate answer.

“What are you trying to prove, Kylo?” Rey suddenly says, tilting her head on the side as to look at him better. “What do you want from this galaxy? From this life?”

Kylo opens his mouth to reply, but he finds nothing to say. He frowns and straightens himself, startling Brave, feeling her grip on his shoulder.

“I can be strong without having to be a slave. I can be free, I can live without obeying to laws of the Force that have been created by the Jedi. I’m not a Darksider, and I’m not a Lightsider either. I’m _more_ than that.”

“That’s the easiest answer,” Rey sighs before raising her eyes and daring him to answer. He does not. So she continues. “In the morning you come with us to the Resistance. Adventure’s over. Let’s see what Luke thinks of _all_ your good deeds.

That’s… not what Kylo expected. He looks genuinely surprised before snarling at the trio like a wounded beast.

“You’re not my keepers!”

“Try to flee, and I make sure you find yourself _Traitor to the Resistance_! Just because Leia and Luke have decided to forgive you do _not_ erase everything you did! And trust me, you’re going to pay for all the lives you took!”

She then goes back to the Falcon and disappears from his sight. Poe sighs and lowers his blaster. He’s the less _hateful_ of the three, and it truly shocks Kylo because, of all people, he probably tortured him the most. While Finn goes for the Falcon too, Kylo settles near his A-Wing and lets Brave off of his shoulder to put her on his lap. She floats a moment before nesting against his waist, and Kylo rolls his shoulder. She’s heavier than she thinks. He wipes his still painful, bloody nose.

Poe’s still there, looking at his X-Wing. They didn’t take a shot the whole fight, so it’s probably just to keep him occupied.

“You’re going to leave, right?” the pilot says out of nowhere.

“… Yes.”

Poe sighs and sits near his own ship, a few meters away from Kylo. The knight closes his eyes and enjoys little sun they have before nightfall.

“I’m not going to stop you.”

“I know.”

“I think,” Poe says before stopping, licking his lips as he looks for the right words. “I think your karma will keep you grounded. All this, saving people, the kidnapping… I’m not a _religious man_ , but… I think you’re being tested. And it’s not up to us to prevent that. Like… the weird coincidence that Lord San Tekka was on the same planet as the future Jedi? My encounter with Finn? That’s Fate. Yours is to go alone on the galaxy and wait for any shit to fall on you until it will eventually stop.”

Kylo opens one eye to look at Poe.

“You’re awfully talkative, for a non-religious man.”

“I know, right?”

Either way, the message has been sent. Poe gets up and goes to the Falcon.

 

In the night, Kylo jumps on his ship and runs away from the trio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, the next one will be slightly different (I think), and a little more angsty, but not too angsty.  
> I usually write angsty things. I will make sure this one is not.  
> See you tomorrow!


	13. Patricide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angry Kylo is a stupid Kylo.  
> A stupid Kylo finds himself in trouble.  
> Kylo's a child, and eventually he has to grow up and face what he has done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so.... I'm SO not sure of this one.  
> I put my heart in it. And 800 words too many. And it's not beta-read.  
> I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!

“Unbelievable.”

Kylo hits again the control panel, still enraged by Rey. He doesn’t know where he goes, but he surely does and, okay, if he arrives in a place completely obscured on his map it’s not that bad, he could _die_ there and rejoice that no one would find his body. It would be a fitting death. No one believe in him becoming more than the murderer they think he is.

Which is true, he’s a murderer, too. But not _just that_.

He’s a knight. Powerful with the Force! He can move mountains to get what he wants. And yet, he can’t get these people off of his back. And he can’t kill them.

He’s fucking stuck.

Kylo doesn’t pay attention to the worried beeps of his droid, too busy getting angry against everyone including himself.

It’s not a surprise when he makes a mistake.

Kylo’s A-Wing starts shuddering and jumping raggedly, leaving the hyperspace by itself, and Kylo has to _brake_ to avoid a meteor in front of him. He curses his bad luck and dodges the rocks.

“Something’s wrong with the ship” he says to Brave, and she replies with a binary-scowl. “What do you mean _I broke it_? Of course, I didn’t!”

Truth be told, it’s probably Kylo’s fault. He didn’t really looked at what he was doing, and now his A-Wing looks like it’s about to scream and cry.

“I get it, I get it, find us the nearest breathable planet and we’re going to look at the ship,” he angrily snaps.

They head towards a _very_ luxurious planet, absolutely green even from space. Kylo enters its atmosphere with concern, hoping the A-wing won’t fall apart because of the pressure. It doesn’t, and Kylo lands off easily on a clearing in the middle of the jungle. The air is hot and humid. The knight puts Brave on the ground, lets her explore around as he wipes the sweat off of his forehead.

“Don’t go too far, Brave.” he says, his eyes locked on the A-Wing. “What does it have, now?”

Kylo turns briefly around it, looking for external damages, but there’s none. He has to open it, and even with that there’s chances he won’t find what he’s searching. He’s not an engineer, even if he has a vague knowledge on ships. Maybe Brave will know.

Just as he thinks about his droid, he hears her beep with distress not far into the jungle. Shit, why does he have to be _so_ unlucky? Without thinking Kylo runs to his droid, hoping for the best. He founds her, surrounded by little humanoid creatures poking her with sticks.

“Hey!” he shouts, more to startle the… things than to be really heard.

The three creatures raise big, worried, completely black eyes towards him, and he flinches. They’re kids. Three little children, suddenly standing straight and ready to run. Kylo wonders if they’re autochthons from this planet or if there’s a hidden settlement somewhere where he could find something to repair his ship. Carefully, the knight crouches to appear less menacing, his hands in front of him. Brave runs to hide behind him and beeps angrily. Kylo ignores her, still looking at the kids.

“What are you doing here?” He tries in common tongue. He doesn’t know a lot of languages, so this one is worth a try.

Unfortunately the children don’t seem to understand him, so he takes time to examine them. Their dirty, brown, long, braided hair circling long and angular faces, their pale green skin matching the forest, their clothes made of leather and leaves. There’s no trace of technology, and the knight wonders if they know about the whole galaxy around them.

“Where are we?” He asks Brave. She replies that she doesn’t know this part of the map, and if he hadn’t spent countless hours beating angrily the crap out of their control panel they wouldn’t have been in this situation.

So they’re either on the Unknown territories or the Wild Space. Neither of this choices are comforting. And the fact that he’s probably stuck here if he doesn’t call for help is not the most joyful thought he has. With a loud sigh, Kylo sits on a damp trunk on the ground, forgetting the children for a moment. One of them, maybe the oldest, approaches him and pokes him with the stick. Kylo looks at him with a raised eyebrow. From this close, Kylo can see the vertical membrane protecting the kid’s eyes like a snake-ish eyelid. He’s not very good at classing aliens, and the First Order wasn’t particularly variety friendly. So he can only guess they evolved like that for a purpose. What are they, anyway? He reaches for the child’s thoughts through the Force, not too invading, only looking for the loudest ideas, with butterfly touches.

He sees a village, hidden in the trees, Ewok-like, but near the water. He sees the smile of a loving mother, the laughs of a youth not destroyed by war or tyranny. He sees an adult going through the greenery, never to be seen again.

Kylo carefully creeps out of the child’s mind as this one looks at him with dread and wonder.

“You felt that, right?” Kylo asks, knowing he won’t get an answer. The child then talks to the others, singing sounds and clicking his tongue with soft noises, before looking at Kylo with expectation, playing with his brown, braided hair. The human frowns.

“What are you waiting for? We can’t even talk to each other, just… go find you mom, or whatever.”

The kid doesn’t move, then he taps his forehead with his finger before reaching to touch Kylo’s hair. The knight is _highly_ uncomfortable. But he understands. The child is, if not Force-user, a Force-sensitive. He allows himself to enter the child’s mind once again, and this time he gets questions, and a desire to understand. So Kylo apologizes silently and looks for _language_. Words, sentences, emotions. He drinks everything he can find from this strange mother-tongue.

The child steps back with a startled yelp but this time Kylo can reassure him. Thanks to his dedicated learning of the Shyriiwook when he was younger he’s able to pronounce most of the sounds and clicks.

“<Hey, hey it’s okay, I didn’t want to hurt you.>”

“<You understand! You can talk like me!>” The child shouts in awe. He lowers his voice immediately. “<You found that in my head? You are weird, I never saw things like you.>”

Kylo pouts a little. He’s not that weird.

“<And you’re… reckless. Why are you alone?>” He asks. “<Is your village near?>”

“<No,>” one of the two other children answers. “<We’re looking for our father.>”

The words, even in another tongue, sounds painful to Kylo’s ears. So they lost their father. He should let them here and find a way to fix his ship. But he can’t. He just… sighs and gets up.

“<Let’s find your father.>”

He quickly explains the situation to Brave, and he walks further into the jungle, three little alien children glued to his legs.

The jungle is not welcoming. It’s damp and dark and green, wild and full of weird creatures. The oldest child has taken Kylo’s hand in his own, and he guides him between the trees and giant foliage. The knight lets the Force around him scan the area, searching for any sign of life that could be compared to the children. The older one, Chijik’ta, or something close to that, tried to explain him his father was a hunter, and he loved challenges. That monsters were waiting in the dark, and his father wanted to kill them so the village could be safe again. But when he left, Chijik’ta hasn’t felt well, and he has decided to look for him. His brothers wanted to follow him, and now they were two days away from their mom, and without their dad. Kylo could relate to the feeling. When he was a child he was scared when his parents left him alone. Scared that they would never come back. Now he can say it was silly of him to think like that. They would eventually come back.

Not anymore.

Kylo stops, starting the kid gripped to his hand.

“<This way>,” he orders before letting go of the child to grab his lightsaber.

He knows the disgusting smell in the air, and he walks close to a tree to lightly put his hand on it. He pulls back and makes a face, looking at the weird, sticky goo on his hand.

Rathtars.

The kid’s father is probably dead, if he was going against these monsters. He can’t afford to say it out loud, so he just follows the scent, letting his lightsaber purr near the ground.

“Brave, stay with the children, I fear we may not be alone in this jungle.”

Just as he says that, thank you Fate, a giant tentacle bursts out from the bush near him, and he only has time to step aside and cuts the wriggling limb from its body. The rathtar screams somewhere on his left, and the knight draws his blaster to shoot steadily on the greenery until his weapon overheat. He looks behind him and can’t see the children anymore, but he feels their fear, so at least they’re safe. Not waiting further, Kylo goes straight to the rathtar, and follows the green, disgusting blood it leaves behind it. He arrives near its lair, a grotto next to a lake. Of course. This kind of environment is ideal for them.

Kylo can hear other rathtars not far from here, and he retreats to a safer place to fight, away from the water.

A giant mouth falls on him from a large tree, and Kylo can only wait for the impact, his lightsaber ready to cut everything around him. The result is messy and deadly. The knight butchers the monster, slicing large parts of it, gritting his teeth as he feels fangs ripping flesh from his arm. As soon as he’s finished with this one, he dodges the other rathtar waiting for him in the middle of its slaughtered friend. No time to waste, Kylo uses one hand to Force lift the thing with difficulty, practically falling on one knee, and grabs his lightsaber with the other. He can’t stay in this position for too long, but if he lets go of the Rathtar he’s dead. His strength renewed by despair, Kylo throws his lightsaber right into the monster’s mouth with a shout, trying to get it still lighted even as the Rathtar trashes and shriek against the Force. Kylo’s about to pass out, the pressure is way too much for him to handle. He abandons the idea of keeping the rathtar held in the Force, and focuses what’s left of his fuel into using his lightsaber from that distance. Eventually the Rathtar simply stops moving, and Kylo falls face first on the ground with a grunt.

He stays in the mud for an awfully long time before he can find enough strength to stand up. He staggers to the cave, relieved to find there’s no rathtar left. Something catches his eye, and Kylo kneels near a large pile of bones, retrieving parts of clothes and pieces of stones the Rathtar didn’t eat. And a bow. It’s beautiful, simple yet carved with finesse and patience.

He recognizes the bow from Chijik’ta’s memories.

Fuck.

Yells resound outside the cave, and the knight gets back on his feet with a pained grunt, laying a hand on his injured arm. He grabs the bow and gets out of the graveyard.

“<I’m here.>” he says, and he’s rewarded by relieved smiles and Brave’s happy chirps.

“<You killed them all?>” The youngest alien asks, and Kylo nods.

“<That’s father’s bow,>” Chijik’ta whispers.

The knight gives him the weapon, and soon large, blue tears drop from the children’s onyx eyes. Kylo wants to say he’s sorry, but he can’t. Not yet. He lets them realize they have to go home without their father.

Han was on a mission to retrieve rathtars when he found the bb unit and the map. He could have died like that as well. But he didn’t, because he was more skilled than that. Rathtars couldn’t kill Han Solo. Kylo could. And he did. And now these children are like him, fatherless, except they didn’t ask for it. They are victims.

Kylo is patricide.

A wave of pain fills his chest, and Kylo tries to dismiss it but Chijik’ta tugs to his shirt, asking for a hug. And the knight can’t say no. So he takes the child in his arms and lets him cry all he needs against him, just like Leia did when he came back from the First Order.

“<You have to go home,>” he softly says to the little alien. “<Your mother must be worried sick. She waits for you.>”

He feels Chijik’ta nod against his shirt, but minutes pass before he can finally release him. Chijik’ta wipes his cheeks before doing the same to his brothers.

“<Can you come with us? To the village?>” one little brother says.

“<I can’t. I have to go. But I’ll come back, okay?>” he knows it’s stupid to say things like that. Maybe he won’t come back at all. But his heart is so painful against his ribs…

Chijik’ta hesitates a moment before unstrapping his necklace, and he gently wraps it around Kylo’s wrist.

“<Thank you.>” he only says, but the words are heavy, meaningful.

“<I’m sorry.>”

Kylo can merely say those words, even in another language. And that’s the end of him. He couldn’t even say it to his own mother. Maybe he’s cursed when it comes to _family_. He silently follows the children for a while, before they reach the spot where they have met, hours ago. Chijik’ta bows slightly, and Kylo does the same, before they disappear in the greenery. Kylo’s left alone with his thoughts, and he goes back to his A-Wing. He doesn’t have the strength to look at what’s wrong with the ship, instead he sits in the cockpit, covered in rathtar’s blood and mud and flesh, his arm sore with the deep cuts.

And he cries.

At first it’s just hiccups, and he presses his hand against his mouth to stop the whimpers from flooding out. His sight is blurred by the tears, even _that_ is painful. He hadn’t cried for years.

He completely gives up and sobs uncontrollably, curling into a ball a much as he can, letting a pained scream resound around him.

Kylo never thought he’d live long enough to feel the deep, crushing horror of what he did.

He killed his own father, and thanked him for that.

But he never had a chance to say he was sorry for what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'll ever be able to describe perfectly people's feelings, but I hope I did okay.  
> Next time is adventure time! I think? *Looks at the planning*  
> See you tomorrow!


	14. The King is dead...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo flies off the little unknown planet for a familiar one, much more dangerous...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November 14th has been... a bad day. A Really bad day.  
> So I'm sorry for the delay. And I'm sorry if there's any painful mistake in the chapter, the next one will be better, I swear.

Brave’s soft chirps are the only sounds in the cockpit for hours, now, and Kylo finally agrees to open an eye. He’s exhausted, he didn’t manage to sleep last night, too busy throwing a pity party to himself. He’s a mess, probably, and his throat is as hurt as his arm, but he feels better. And confused. That’s the first time in _years_ that he felt this kind of emotion. Not anger, but sadness. Grief. Guilt. Shame.

He hopes the kids are safe, out there. Maybe he should have accompany them, at least until they saw their village. Too late to think about that, now. Despite the tiredness he feels invigorated, and he jumps out of the A-wing, taking Brave in his arms to get her down. She beeps with relief and happiness, and Kylo gives her a faint smile, even if there’s no joy behind it.

“I’m okay, Brave. Let’s fix this ship and get out of here.”

The droid is way better than him to repair ships. She finds where the problem is with ease, and reprimandshim once more for having mistreated the A-Wing. Kylo mumbles some excuses, blaming the trio rather than himself. If they had minded their own business he wouldn’t have to be angry at everything. The knight gets his hands dirty on the belly of the A-Wing, listening closely to what Brave says, learning. For once in his life.

Kylo is still shaken by the sudden realization. Guilt, grief and shame and all that. He isn’t used to all this. He had almost forgotten he still has a heart.

As soon as the ship is fixed, and Kylo swears he won’t kick it again, they can leave the unknown planet behind. Kylo keeps the coordinates, just in case. After all, he said he would come back, some day.

 

 

It takes three days for Kylo to finally get back to a familiar sector, by fear to push the hyperdrive to its limits. He’s not in a hurry, though, Rey probably did what she told him, and he’s surely wanted dead or alive in the galaxy. He really doesn’t need that, but what he wants is no longer acceptable for the Jedi. He wonders if Luke knew all along what was going to happen.

As he stops in an outer sector that had belonged to the First Order, Kylo spots a little planet that catches his attention. It… doesn’t feel right, Kylo has _a bad feeling about this_.

So he asks Brave to check, and the little droid confirms what he dreaded as he puts the A-Wing in orbit, careful not to be seen on possible radars.

This is inhabited. This little, hot, dry, _abandoned_ planet _is not_ _abandoned_. There are colonies.

“You see that, Brave? That’s not right. Something’s not right. This one should be abandoned. It has been since the first defeat of the Order after I… well, betrayed them. This was the first First Order colony to disappear, because of a massive lack of supplies. They all had been sent to planets closer from the Core. Then they lost. No one should be here.”

Brave, only slightly concerned, drives the ship towards the planet, following the nearest colony she found with the scans. Kylo’s tense, checking and re-checking his radar scrambler. Maybe that’s just new colonies with new inhabitants in this…

…hospitable planet?

The knight’s not a fool. This place is _not_ people-friendly. It’s harsh, hot, too close to its sun. It’s barely green, dry and filled with crawling monsters, and the only thing that led the First Order here was the massive amount of valuable minerals in its depths.

The nearly indestructible steel used to contain the raw, unstable power of Kylo’s lightsaber comes from this colony, Kylo recalls.

No time to be nostalgic, he takes the commands back from Brave and leads the A-Wing behind mountains near the signal on the scans. From up close it’s more than a colony, it’s a real defended camp. Kylo can’t see a flag or a sign that could have identified them, but he doesn’t want to become too friendly, and settles far from them.

“We’ll have to walk, I hope you don’t mind,” he briefly tells Brave before grabbing his blasters and lightsaber and jumping out of the ship. Brave jumps on his arms once he’s on the ground, and he carefully lets her touch the ground.

“This time you listen to me and you stay close,” Kylo scolds the little droid. “There won’t be children poking you with sticks, here. It’s _dangerous_ and I’m not here to baby-sit you. Understood?”

Brave actually growls at him, and Kylo decides he’s a really bad influence for her. He growls at her as a response, and she agrees to stay near his heels. Kylo readies himself for the way to the camp. The planet’s aggressive on itself, and the knight does not want to think about its fauna. They leave the ship behind and make their way on the planet’s hard, hot ground. They’re halfway through when the ground rumbles behind them, and Kylo just has time to catch Brave and jump on the side before the soil _open_ _s_ and lets a giant, squishy yet awfully dry and chapped millipede. The first thing that goes through Kylo’s mind is “shit, that’s disgusting”. The second, “God how many legs does it have?” and that’s it. Nothing more.

Kylo _hates_ millipedes. If there’s something worse than snakes, it’s _snakes with hundreds of legs_. Not that he is scared… Of course not.

It doesn’t prevent him from making a strangled noise when the creature rushes at them. Putting Brave on the ground to free his hands, Kylo unsheathes his lightsaber, and braces himself for the impact.

And _NOW_ he remembers he’s hurt.

The thing throws itself on Kylo’s bad arm. With a yelp, the knight drops his weapon and curses, dodging another attack, praying the Force that there’s not anymore giant insects on the ground beneath them. The thought’s not helping, though. His injury has started bleeding again, thanks to the poor treatment he gave it on the jungle. And the blood’s scent is driving his attacker crazy. Kylo doesn’t have much of a choice but to attack the thing with _bare hands yurk that’s totally disgusting_! He breathes. He can do it. He reaches on the pain to strengthen his will, not bothered by the fact he’s using Sith techniques to fight. And he waits for the insect to make a move. The creature is circling him, walking too slowly on its awfully too numerous legs, trying to find a breach in Kylo’s guard. Its mandibles click noisily around its weird mouth, and finally it attacks. Brave beeps furiously near Kylo’s abandoned lightsaber, but the knight knows he won’t be fast enough to catch his weapon if he calls to it by the Force. He has to do it the old way. Maybe he can grab for his blaster. No time to think. Bending his knees, Kylo opens his arms, and catches the sharp-edged mandibles as soon as the creature collides with him and tries to reach for his neck. Kylo flies backward without letting go of the now screeching beast. With a grunt, he holds back as much a he can, feeling the - _Oh Force-_ too many sets of legs clawing at his clothes, looking for flesh. He can feel his arm is now soaked with his own blood, and he grits his teeth, using the Force to toss aside the beast and jump on it, drawing his blaster. He finds himself crushing the millipede’s soft belly, the skin tearing apart, splashing Kylo's legs with hemolymph. He feels the thin, weird legs breakingunder his weight, and he shoots repeatedly in its head. Kylo only stops when the muscle-memory of the too long body stops working for good, and he is panting, rolling on the side to get off the disgusting thing. Yerk. Brave cheers for him before noticing the blood, then at that point he’s just scolded like a kid. Kylo deeply sighs and reaches for his bag, grabbing a mere bandage to dress the wound.

“That has to do the trick for the moment, Brave. We’re far from civilization, and in enemy territory. Stop worrying about everything.” He shrugs, and grabs his lightsaber. “Let’s go before other… things decide to invite us for diner.”

Too bad droids can’t understand jokes. Brave gently tells him they were more likely to eat them. And then she processes. It takes eight minutes for Brave to understand. Once more, Kylo is reprimanded.

“Where did you get that temper? I swear sometimes you just remind me of Leia.” The idea is not refreshing, and he rather walk in silence than have to listen to his little droid anymore.

Eventually the mountains have an end, and Kylo crawls the few meters that separate him from the other side. From the top of the mount he can clearly see the camp.

What he sees makes him shiver.

All around him are war weapons, reenforced vehicles, prototypes of spaceships. There’s people working, going back and forth with discipline, like a clockwork. The austere walls seem bigger, from this angle, protecting a large facility made in gray, polished steel. And Kylo will be damned if he doesn’t recognize the thing.

That’s First Order.

Looking at the activity in there, Kylo curses his former organization. They’re more resistant than beetles. Than _millipede_ _s_. Brr.

It’s time to go, Kylo thinks. He can’t take the whole facility all by himself, can he? He prefers warning the Resistance and then let them deal with that, maybe if they’re too busy with them they will be off of his back.

He’s about to get up to walk back to his ship when his sixth sense rings a bell in his mind. The Force feels people coming. He has been spotted, he knows it.

Maybe he won’t warn the Resistance, after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say, now.  
> So... See you tomorrow? (even if technically I will post this evening...)


	15. ... Hail to the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo decides he will deal with the remains of the First Order by himself.  
> What he finds is not what he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'm confused, this chapter is one of the most important of this entire fic, and I *do* hope I didn't fuck it up. But I'm rather happy with myself, and I hope you'll be delighted by the freedom I took on this one.  
> Enjoy!

Looking around him, Kylo focuses on finding where the enemies are. Even if he is _Kylo Ren_ , he’s not sure he won’t be shot on sight by the rest of the First Order’s followers. After all, he did provoke their fall. Quickly he leaves the place, hiding between large rocks and slowly going down the mountain. He closes the distance to the facility, and maybe that’s not a good idea, but that’s the only one he has. And, hell. If he doesn’t try to stop the remains of the First Order by himself, then Rey will have more excuses to laugh at him. He can’t allow that. He’d rather die on the battlefield. His arm is still sore and he didn’t sleep much, but it’s fine. He’s _Kylo Ren_.

 

Is he?

 

Kylo slows down, shocked by his own thoughts. He never doubted about that before. But now? He looks at the complex in front of him with a puzzled look, its bare grey walls yelling the survival of the First Order. And it all makes sense.

Kylo Ren belongs with the First Order. Kylo Ren is the master of the knights of Ren, Snoke’s apprentice, the soon-to-be-Sith. And yet here he is, fighting the First Order. The Jedi Killer, who also appears to hunt and kill Sith as well.

Brave chirps in a worrying tone, unnerved at the idea of being immobile and easy targets. And she’s right. Kylo nods and hides, crouching behind a stone, waiting for his assailants to show themselves. They’re two, judging by their look they’re probably scouts. One of the two enemies brings his hand to his ear, and Kylo shoots him without thinking. He can’t let them call for reinforcement. The second scout jumps with surprise and fear, and draws his blaster, not nearly ready for a fight with his shaking knees and unsteady hands. Kylo kills him too. He stands from where he was hiding and scavenges the bodies. He finds the insignia of the First Order on them, just as he predicted. The black and white symbol mocks him, and Kylo snarls before throwing it away. He’ll destroy this base himself, he doesn’t need the Resistance to take care of the Order.

“Come, Brave, we have a lot to do, I want you to open every door we find, to scan every room, to look for every sign of life. By the end of the day we will be the only ones on this planet.”

Them, _and the giant millipede_ _s_. Kylo doesn’t dare think about them by dread it would summon one. No thanks.

With long strides, Kylo crosses the no man’s land separating him from the complex, not trying to hide anymore. He defeated two rathtars, a ship of pirates, a giant millipede. He’s not afraid of a fortress of humans.

A blast falls next to him. And another. Looking up, Kylo can see a sort of canon on the stronghold’s ramparts. That thing is relatively slow to reload, but one hit and that’s it. So the knight grabs Brave, puts her on his bag without looking, then starts running towards the heavy open gates. They hadn’t expected an attack, and they will dearly pay for this careless mistake. Rolling on one side to avoid a deadly shot, the knight dodges and deflects any projectile aimed at him that could have had a chance to touch him. His arm is very painful, but he decides to _forget_ instead of _focusing_ on it. He can’t let himself be distracted. With a terrific jump he manages to break through the door before the soldiers can close it, and he immediately starts rampaging everything in front of him. Brave jumps from his bag, and he’s too busy fighting to catch her. The large courtyard soon becomes a destroyed battlefield, combat droids taking part of the fight. Kylo struggles to keep everyone at bay, and he safely retreats in a corner to avoid any attack from behind. That’s not the best idea, though (but the main idea of attacking an entire stronghold by himself is not a great one either) and he doesn’t allow himself a lot of space to fight. With a flick of his wrist, the knight forces two soldiers to commit suicide, and compels a third one to kill his own allies. He feels an uncomfortable feeling in his chest at doing so. He flinches, just one second, unfortunately it’s enough to break his concentration. A combat drone shoots right at his injuryand the pain is so intense the knight yelps and jumps away, forgetting the idea of protecting his back. His right arm is now completely useless, that’s bad, because that’s his main hand at the end of it. With a few shakes, Kylo tries to make it work, but it only tears him a wince. Grabbing his lightsaber with the other hand, he continues to fight, too close to die than he hoped when he first charged at the facility.

They eventually run out of people to throw at him. Kylo is alone in the mess, chunks of robots and bodies everywhere. But the silence doesn’t last long. He hears a faint whistle, and his skin _crawls_ when he sees what’s coming at him.

A millipede!

“Come on!! That’s the only thing you have?!” He shouts at the place, knowing too well that’s a distraction. All the doors are closed, and not one machine-gun is on sight. That’s the good news. The bad news: the giant insect rushing at him looking less than pleased. He prepares for the fight when a combat droid suddenly gets up… and empties its guns on the millipede. As the thing falls heavily on the ground, Kylo looks around him, startled, until he sees Brave hopping on her suspensions. She tells him she hacked the robot and, frankly, Kylo’s impressed. He nods at her as she goes right to the first door which opens pretty easily. Kylo rushes forward, following his little friend through the narrow hallways. He keeps his painful arm, what’s left of it, against his chest and curses. He can’t lose and die here.

This time, it’s not _because he’s Kylo Ren_. It’s just… It’s…

Kylo shakes his head and tries to focus on the present time. According to Brave, the rest of the colony is hiding in the communication room, trying to call for help. They weren’t that numerous.

“What do you mean _trying_?” Kylo asks without stopping his run.

Ah. Kylo smiles proudly at Brave.

She hacked the communication devices outside. Even if they can bypass the trick, it will slow them down. She just bought him time.

Good girl.

With a clean cut on the door and a powerful kick in the middle of the burned circle he made in the steel, Kylo enters the communication room. All eyes are on him, and he’s probably not a nice sight, because they pale and drop everything they had on their hands to grab their blasters. Kylodrops his lightsaber to free his valid arm and immobilizes them all. They are more than he initially thought, and it’s a trick he’s not sure he can manage. Not for long, anyway. They stop moving, and Kylo grabs his blaster instead of the saber. Brave picks it up.

“As soon as the mind controlreleases you, you all raise your hands in the air. Understood? You don’t stand a chance, so I suggest none of you tries to be the hero of the day. Please.”

He wants his last word to sound sarcastic, but it comes out more tired than angry. Kylo sighs and tilts his head on the side, his neck cracking with an eerie noise. The First Order’s soldiers flinch in fear.

Fear. It’s all over the place, and Kylo knows why. They recognized him. His lightsaber. The deflection of the bolts. The _Force_. They all know who he is. The one thing they didn’t know about him was his face, and the scar splitting his features in half. And it’s flattering and terrifying at the same time. It’s been a while since he crossed path with someone able to know him without having heard his name. The entire resistance doesn’t even know who he is, because no one knowing the truth wants to call him by his name.

 _That’s not your name_ , the same voice at the back of his head whispers in his ear, and Holy Force Poe was RIGHT, Kylo’s on this adventure all by himself only to fuck everything up, to turn his life inside out. He sighs deeply. Everyone in front of him raises their hands like one man. Ah. Yes. He almost forgot.

“Are you alone on this planet? Or should I expect more of your kind? Don’t try to lie to me, or I pull your brain out of your nose,” Kylo states, and the threat has the desired effect, for one of the soldier pales more.

“Sir, we thought this was rumors, that you… That you had...”

 _Betrayed_. The word doesn’t come out, though. With two steps Kylo’s almost on the young soldier and bares his teeth at him.

“Don’t try to understand, you’re still slaves of…”

Realization hits him hard.

They’re slaves of the First Order. They are just like him, except for the fact that they can’t free themselves from Snoke’s promises. From what the Republic had done to them. How old are they? Kylo can count, on the total of men, at least four ranked soldiers are younger than he is. But they believe so fiercely that the First Order is the solution.

It _is_. Technically. But once it became the tool of genocide, racism and slavery, suddenly it wasn’t. Kylo feels his heart sink. The First Order is, in fact, full of stupid people, just like the Republic. And he was a stupid man for believing monsters and darkness. For thinking he needed the Dark to become powerful and control the galaxy.

He doesn’t need the Light, but he doesn’t need the Dark either.

 _Kylo Ren needed the Dark Side_.

No one has moved in the room yet. Kylo can hear Brave sneaking on the data in the Order’s computers. Soon they will know everything about the re-rise of the First Order.

“Who do you follow?” Kylo asks anyway.

“The General Doorn, he’s the…”

“I know who he is,” Kylo snaps, and the soldier falls silent in the instant.

Hux’s second. Well he probably hadn’t waited for the General’s body to be cold before taking the mantel of leader. Hypocritical boot-licker. Kylo looks at the sorry sight before him. Fifteen men, scared beyond words, shaking, crying, knowing their end is near. And for the first time it doesn’t please the knight. But they are threats, nothing more.

Brave tells him she finished copying all information First Order related on the computers, and he nods at her without looking away from the soldiers. He should force them to commit suicide, it would be quick and clean, but he doesn’t want to use the Force to do the dirty job. He doesn’t need the Dark more than the Light. He doesn’t need the Force.

Since he has it, he realizes, it cost him everything, and brought him nothing but pain and suffering. He doesn’t want the Dark Side anymore.

He’s really confused.

Holding his blaster, Kylo motions towards the wall.

“Get in line. I’ll be quick.”

It takes an awfully long time for the soldiers to move. Fear crawls everywhere, from the shaking bodies to the wall, sliding on Kylo like iced water. If they weren’t used to war Kylo swears they would have passed out. But they don’t. Kylo aims at the first soldier and pulls the trigger.

 

 

 

The room is awfully silent, now. Kylo stands straight, looking right in front of him. The last body has hit the ground with a dull sound, still Kylo doesn’t feel _right_. But he didn’t use the Force to ease the task. He did it alone. All by himself. And that idea is comforting.

_Kylo Ren would have used the Force. He loves power so much, he loves being in control. The Dark Side can offer him that control. Would you take it?_

Kylo wants the voice to stop _so badly_ , to stop the pain in his chest. Once again he feels he’s unstable, balancing between two sides, on a thin line from which he could fall at any moment. That’s why he followed the Dark Side. To stop being stuck on this tightrope. And that’s why he changed his mind, after the pain of having _killed his father_ made his whole world crumble and break. That’s why he betrayed Snoke, because he realized the Supreme Leader wouldn’t help him find a stable place in the Force. And now he’s alone, he has to make choices, he has to _act out like an adult_ , and he’s still on this tightrope.

He’s not Kylo Ren, because Kylo Ren wouldn’t mind falling on the Dark Side. But him? He can’t. His reflection on the large, turned off screen of the computer sends him the bloodied, pained, disheveled face of someone he doesn’t know.

Who the kriff is he??

Kylo howls his rage and pain and calls for his lightsaber, tightening his fingers around the pommel of the weapon. And he lights it up, ready to break apart the whole place to calm his fragile nerves.

 

But he stops, frozen on the spot, as soon as the lightsaber purrs savagely on his shaking hand.

 

The angry red of his kyber crystal gave way to a dark, deep blue light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? That wasn't so bad, was it?  
> The next chapter will be a little less *dramatic* and maybe I'll let Kylo heal up before throwing him to the wolves.  
> Maybe.  
> See you tomorrow!


	16. Singing Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo decides to get answers.  
> He's still not lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is one of the shortest chapters I've made, that's weird, but I'm not very good at deep thinking and introspection, so here it is, and I hope you'll like it anyway.  
> Enjoy!

In the empty and destroyed infirmary of the First Order’s stronghold, Kylo holds what’s left of his right arm for Brave to examine.

“It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt that b–DON’T YOU TOUCH IT! Get your little paws away from that!”

the knight retracts his arm against his chest and glares at the droid. Brave tries to approach, and he holds her at a respectable distance with his left hand.

“Okay, it _hurts_ like I’ve been stepped on by a Rathtar. Which I have been,” he sighs. “Just… be careful, and maybe I won’t throw you against a wall.”

The offended noise the droid offers him is worth the little lie. Kylo finally gives up and lets his arm rest on the steel table of the infirmary, and he submits to the treatments. Now that he can see the damages he’s glad the place has an infirmary, even if it’s only the minimum.

Most of the flesh is exposed, skin shredded and blood dripping from everywhere. Muscles have been cut or torn at some spots, and parts of broken bones peak from the meat. It’s disgusting. And painful. Kylo wonders he would lose his arm if he didn’t take care of it. He rests his head on his left arm, on the cold table, as the medical droids busy themselves with his injuries.

His lightsaber is left uselessly on a shelf in front of him. Usually the knight feels _naked_ without it strapped to his belt, where he can immediately grab it to destroy everything around. Now? It’s a stranger’s weapon. An unknown thing in his life.

It’s blue.

Well, not the bright, soft blue Kylo knows the Jedi’s sabers are. It’s not even stable, and it would never be, because the crystal inside is cracked and unable to contain its own power. Kylo hates this, but it’s _his_ lightsaber. The fact that he doesn’t know how to built a weapon doesn’t mean he’s not good at it. And even if his lightsaber is not _perfect_ , Kylo would wield it anyway until it eventually breaks and needs replacement. But now that it’s blue? Kylo hates it more! With a sigh, he detaches his gaze from the hilt of his weapon to look at the medical droids working on his arm. He doesn’t feel a thing, they injected tons of anesthetic to avoid the trash and screams of pain as the knight has his whole arm rebuilt. Brave asks him if he’s alright, and Kylo nods.

“I am. I’m just… confused, you know? I don’t understand how that Kriffin’ lightsaber has managed to change its color. What does this mean? What happened? I never did anything that could have...”

His voice dies in his throat.

He did. He did something that could have changed the color.

He _rejected Kylo Ren_. He decided it wasn’t worth it to chain himself to another of his life’s failure. Just like he abandoned his first name, Kylo abandoned his second.

He’s nameless. Also, he’s not on the Dark Side anymore. That doesn’t make him feel _stable_. That doesn’t lighten his heart, or quiet the voices in his head. He’s still fucked up and he feels it. But seeing the last remains of a crumbling empire bend and break under his wrath has somehow quieted the _need_ for the Dark in his heart, no more than the Light. He realized, with the Dark Side he’s not less weak than with the Light.

And now he’s more confused than ever.

“Where am I if I’m not on the Dark Side? What’s between the two, Brave? Will it be discord and instability all my life?” he softly asks, dizzy with the huge amounts of painkillers he took earlier. Brave sways back and forth with a questioning beep before returning to her task of healing Kylo.

The knight can’t blame her for her lack of understanding, she’s a droid, cut from the Force because she’s not alive. Sometimes he forgets. He pokes her with his valid hand and she scolds him again. He gives up.

“You’re not nice with me. I fixed you up, put you back in one piece. I let you accompany me, made you learn a lot. You should be grateful, not _parenting_ me like… you’re my mother stuck in a droid’s body.” He pouts and yawns. “Okay, you drugged me, well done Brave.”

He’s sleepy, now, and he _hates_ the feeling. But he can’t even manage to keep his eyes open, so he curses the little MSE-E once more before falling asleep, seated on the uncomfortable chair of the infirmary.

 

 

Pain. That’s what awakes Kylo. With a grunt he suddenly opens his eyes and looks around him, startled and feeling vulnerable. But as he moves his right arm to call for his weapon, he cries out in pain and drags it to his chest once again. Fuck. The painkillers have stopped their effect, and he’s left with the agonizing suffering of his broken, twisted, skinned arm. The whole thing is covered in bandages, the bacta numbing only slightly his nerves. Of course, the infirmary didn’t have enough technology to repair that kind of damages, the soldiers that weren’t anymore useful were shot down like animals when crisis was raging. The First Order had nothing to waste on broken, non-valuable fighters. If he was on the Star Destroyer he would have had a proper treatment for this wound, but on poor colonies? With a pained grunt Kylo gets back on his feet, his whole body sore from having slept in a bad position. Where is Brave? Keeping his arm against him Kylo grabs his lightsaber and wanders in the hallways, looking for his droid. He may have called her a few times, concerned she broke something or fell into a hole. But she finally appears and Kylo can breathe.

“Where were you you stupid little mouse? I was… Well, I thought you got broken again.” Kylo says, trying to hide his relief of seeing her in one piece. Brave explains she was scavenging, and that she found a proper amount of food and water so they can roam the galaxy without fear of Kylo starving in his A-Wing. Kylo lifts her from the ground with difficulty and goes where she tells him to. He finds the supplies and eats with appetite, he hasn’t eaten for days. It’s _bliss_ to finally have something in his stomach, even if it doesn’t smother the pain in his limb. Kylo eventually makes a bag of food.

“We have to go. I must go back to the Temple and ask what’s with the change of color of my lightsaber. It’s not even _blue_ , it’s… night…ish. Anyway. I hate this. I know where the red of the Sith’s lightsaber comes from, but I didn’t know it could change its color. I have to know what’s all this about.”

Brave agrees with him and they borrow a vehicle from the First Order to get back to the A-Wing without having to deal with millipedes. Once near the ship Kylo makes sure it’s in state to fly and gets out of the planet. The coordinates are written on the control panel, and they jump into hyperspace towards another system. It doesn’t take long for Kylo to close the distance, even if he still cares deeply about the ship’s last shut down, and doesn’t want to _die_ in outer space. So he makes pauses between his jumps, flying millions of kilometers in silence, as he lets the hyperdrive cool down. He doesn’t dare glancing at the hilt on his knees, afraid it would suddenly come alive. But his mind is running every possibilities about the color. Why deep blue? Why now? He has made efforts for weeks, now! He tried, again and again, to be someone he will never be. And now the Force makes his lightsaber _blue_? That doesn’t make any sense. Maybe this time he’d be able to open the Temple, even if he isn’t at peace. Rey’s not, and yet she had the guts to tell him he can’t because he’s not Jedi enough. What a brat.

And Yoda? Force be damned, his whole youth he desperately wished for a ghost-force to show him the way just like Luke told him it happened to him. Nothing. Not a word, not a sign. Now that he has destroyed half of the galaxy, made the other part kneel in front of him, caused genocides, theft, murder, _patricide_ , became the Jedi killer and a Sith killer as well, a ghost appears to tell him _that’s not nice_?

His entire life is a joke.

A blast passes near his ship, so close Kylo’s heart stops for a second. With a swift turn, the knight gets out of the guns’ way and tries to face his opponent.

He recognizes the symbol on the four ships in front of him, and shouts insults in the cockpit, startling Brave.

The Galactic Mockingbirds.

His little droid says they must have been under the radar, and Kylo almost hears guilt in her beeps and chirps. She also warns him a contact has been established between the A-wing and the pirates’ ships. Kylo authorizes it.

“Well, well, we meet again, what a surprise!” Ashdar purrs on the radio, mockery in his tone.

“That’s not one,” Kylo snarls. “You were hunting me!”

“Iiiindeeed, we have! You’re a clever one, sometimes I forget that! Oh boy, I so want to destroy that ship of yours, so please stop dodging, or it might take a while.”

Kylo grits his teeth and decides not to answer that. The ships are stilled on space, staring stonily at each other. If it comes to a fight the knight knows he won’t have the upper hand, it’s four on one. Maybe there’s eight pirates against him. Even if his reflexes are on point, thanks to the Force, his injured arm is a liability. Brave beeps with concern.

“So?” Kylo asks like he’s in a casual conversation. “Are we going to fight?”

“You tell me,” Ashdar replies, delight leaking through the radio.

 

Kylo’s fed up with his luck. This time the voice in his head stays silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahah! Nemesis! Adventures!  
> See you tomorrow!


	17. Star Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is once again beak and claws against Ashdar, our weird Force-sensitive pirate who'd do anything to kill the knight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I always late?! I'm so sorry! Once again, this one is not beta-ed, it's just... well I just finished writing it so sorry about the mess...  
> Enjoy!

Brave beeps with distress as she hops on her little box, all her senses in alarm. Kylo’s glad she’s attached, though, because she would have been very,  _very_ hurled around. Because right now?  Kylo’s missing gravity real bad. 

The ship swings and dances around to dodge the blasts, and the enemies are flying so close to him metal parts clang in the cockpit like he’s been hit by an asteroid. The knight barely has time to avoid two shots before he manages to get away from their deadly trap.

“I was busy before you attacked!” Kylo snarls in the radio.

He’s rewarded with a laugh crumbled by static.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to cancel your plans,” Ashdar replies, still amused. He doesn’t seem worried by the situation.

With a curse, the knight makes a barrel roll with the A-Wing and goes right under one of the three vessels on his tail. But sooner than expected, he finds himself surrounded by the other ships, as they force him to fly straight, and most of all, straight to their leader. Ashdar seems to stay at a comfortable distance, but that doesn’t mean he’ll stay out of the way. It’s getting annoying. Closing his eyes, despite Brave’s panicked beeps, Kylo brakes his controls and back-flips the A-Wing, hitting the ship above him with violence. After a “shit” resounding in the radio, the pirate’s ship flies away and escapes Kylo’s craziness. The knight allows himself a short laugh, he managed to break the ships’ formation, and then dodges skillfully Ashdar in front of him. Without waiting much longer he fires back. They are good, but he’s better.

Ashdar’s not waiting to get killed, though, and it surely becomes a duel between Kylo and the leader, Ashdar shielding the three others. Kylo’s impressed, he thought this man had no heart at all. Maybe they’re more different than he previously guessed.

“So this is between you and me?” Kylo casually asks on the radio.

“Of course, it is!” Ashdar snorts. “When wasn’t it the case?”

“When you sent troops at me to stop me, when I fought all your men but you stayed out of the battlefield. Oh, did I forget to mention the time you used an Ysalamir against me?”

“Oh, right. Well, when you put it like that...”

Kylo rolls his eyes. This man is a pain in the– he dodges another blast.

“That wasn’t nice,” Kylo says, putting one of his dark locks behind his ear, disheveled by the constant spinning around to survive.

“I’m not a nice guy.”

Fed up with the conversation, Kylo decides… to fly away. That’s not the most heroic thing he’s done in his life, but it may be worth the shot, because right now he doesn’t feel his arm, he’s tired, he’s angry, and he just wants to reach the First Temple of the Jedi. So as soon as Ashdar stops firing, Kylo takes advantage of the opportunity and slams the hyperdrive’s command…

and nothing happens.

“What?!”

“What?” Ashdar asks, surprised.

Kylo cuts the conversation and rages. For all the moment his hyperdrive had to let him down, it has to be _now_? And it’s… The thing is _brand new_! It must be a _curse_ that runs in the family, to be abandoned by hyperdrives! Kylo pushes the button a few more times like it was going to change something, and Brave chooses to be useful by telling him that the hyperdrive seems to be dead.

“THANK YOU, BRAVE!”

Kylo turns the radio on.

“Fuck you, Ashdar!”

“Oh! You’re here! I was wondering if we had lost you, for a moment!”

“What’s the point? You’re trying to _kill me_!!”

He dodges another hit and fires everything he has on Ashdar. But the man looks like he’s been born on a cockpit, and he dances between the blasts like it’s easy. Force-sensitives shouldn’t be allowed to pilot. Kylo swears like a smuggler.

“You shouldn’t use those gross words.” Ashdar remarks.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“You’re hurting my feelings!”

“You’re hurting my A-Wing!”

With a rapid leaning on the side, Kylo avoids a collision and makes his way towards the nearest system. Not that it will stop Ashdar from trying to kill him, it never worked before, but the knight feels ill-at-ease at the idea of dying with no planet on sight. He’s not cut to be a space pilot. He gladly lets the honors to Dameron.

… Why is he thinking about this guy??

Brave warns him of a coming projectile, and Kylo shoots right at it to let it explode on space. For an instant he’s blinded by the bright light of the explosion, but he fortunately doesn’t need his eyes to avoid the ship of one of Ashdar’s minions. So they come back in the fight? That’s dirty. Kylo follows his map to the nearest system. He’s not lucky with his travels, for he is quite far from civilization, yet. Maybe one day he will stop wandering on the galaxy like a lost hobo.

Maybe.

Soon they are finally able to gravitate around a planet. It doesn’t mean Kylo can finally breathe, no. The Galactic Mockingbirds are right on his tracks, so close Kylo swears he could feel the scrapping of the metallic nose of the other ships against his A-Wing. But that’ll do, the sight of the world soothes him a little (maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe it’s the worst place on space) and Kylo prepares to fight again. Without a warning he changes his trajectory, the A-Wing flips in the opposite side and makes his way right between the four other ships. Kylo hears a wave of curses on the radio and smiles, still delighted by his skills.

“What’s wrong, _Captain_?” Kylo mockingly asks.

“You are crazy, mister…?”

“Not going to tell you my name.”

“You know mine, that’s unfair!”

Maybe it is, but Kylo wants it to stay this way. He shots twice on the first ship, unfortunately not Ashdar’s, and it goes down right towards the planet as the pilot tries to makes an emergency landing. It only unnerves the others. The rhythm of the attacks changes totally, and Kylo can barely hold it together. He’s going to die on space on a metal can. Not wanting this a little bit he aims at another of the enemies and shoots, aiming at the wings. One less enemy, and this time Ashdar is raging like mad.

Kylo dodges one blast. Two. Three.

The fourth hits the target.

Brave’s shrieking increases dramatically as Kylo ignores her and looks right in front of him, trying to aim at the planet to land with minimal damages.

He’s not sure of this one. The temperature is getting higher and higher, and the sounds the A-Wing makes on the atmosphere is not the most comforting. From the corner of his eyes, the knight follows the fall of the ship he last took down, and corrects slightly his trajectory to follow the broken spaceship swirling uncontrollably towards certain death. And Ashdar comes right behind them. He seems to be focused on his man’s ship, his fall more gracious and faster than the one Kylo’s ship is making right now.

“Are you suicidal?” Kylo asks between his teeth, the alarms deafening in his ears.

“I’m not letting my pirates fall and crash on the ground like dirt.”

Maybe he dreamed those words, because there’s no way they came from Ashdar. Kylo blinks.

 

Trees are getting closer and closer, and Kylo stops breathing as he pulls the controls as high as he can, trying to straighten up the ship as much as he’s able to.

Then comes the crash. A violent _Bang!_ resounds in Kylo’s ears and he sees the right wing of the ship detach and fly off into the unknown. _Fitting,_ the knight thinks towards his injured arm. The A-Wing takes a few more hits before Kylo can feel the ground touching the belly of the ship. It finally stops. Reaching for air, Kylo struggles with the cockpit’s opening devices, his nails scrapping at the glass and metal with renewed frenzy, and he stumbles down the ship and lies on the dirty, hot ground, arms and legs spread wide, looking at the sky.

He’s alive.

Holding on his elbows, Kylo straightens a little to look around him. The wreckage of the others ships are not far from him, and Ashdar is landing between the three of them, quickly followed by his remaining minion. When the pirate touches the ground, Kylo grabs his blaster with his left hand and aims, daring Ashdar to take a step forward.

“Are you a lefty?” Ashdar asks, not intimidated at all. It bothers Kylo. “I thought you were right-handed. Oh, my, but look at that, your _good_ arm is covered in bandages.”

“Well, it certainly explains why you managed to hit me _once in hours of dog fight_.” Kylo replies immediately.

Ashdar frowns and opens his mouth to answer, his three pirates unfortunately gathering around him, when an eerie noise resounds around them. Throwing alarmed looks to each other, the pirates start and look right and left, as Kylo gets back on his feet and turns the wreck upside down to get Brave back. He finds her clutching his lightsaber, unharmed, and Kylo sighs with relief before taking her in his arms.

“What?” he hears behind him. “There’s monsters coming, and you _take care_ of your droid?”

“So?” Kylo asks defiantly. “You’re here because you didn’t want to lose a minion!”

The noise is closer, this time, and it awfully sounds like the growl of a _very large animal_. Without thinking, everybody dive behind the broken A-Wing and try to figure out the source of the sound.

An eight meters high reptomammal monster emerges from the forest, destroying a few trees on his way, and stops near the destroyed ships. With a few sniffs in the air, it decides it _hates_ the view, and simply destroys what’s left of the equipment, making the pirates wince with every punch. The group crawls back when the monster stops closer to their hideout, but it decides to attack another part of another ship.

“That’s not good,” Ashdar says, deadpan.

“That’s worse,” a pirate says, lifting the helmet from her face.

After a few minutes of silence, only disturbed by the Monster’s rampage on electrical devices, Kylo tries to hide the shakes of his body, fear creeping up his spine.

“That’s a very big Rancor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God almighty, I *love* Rancors.  
> and droids.


	18. fight or die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now stuck in a place full of rancors with his new arch-nemesis, Kylo has nothing to do but fight or die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> despite the title and summary, this chapter is one of the most light-hearted I've ever written yet, and it might go up and up as the story continues, and as Kylo reaches further away from the Dark Side.  
> Enjoy!

The rancor takes hours before it decides the ships are rampaged enough, and even after its departure, neither Kylo nor the pirates find the courage to get out of their hiding place. Brave eventually chirps that the monster is gone for good, but the fierce warriors are reluctant nevertheless.

“You go see.” Ashdar finally demands. Kylo looks at him with bewilderment.

“… What?” the knight manages to answer.

“You go. Use your weird powers and make sure it’s not here anymore.”

“I won’t d… Why are you giving me orders?”

“ _You_ put us in that mess, Force-boy. Now go see if it’s gone.”

Kylo grumbles insults and death threats but he straightens up a little before closing his eyes and extending his perceptions around him. He looks for the rancor’s presence… and finds none. With a relieved sigh, he opens his eyes and looks at Brave.

“Good job, girl. You were right, it has left the place.”

“Girl?” a pirate asks, surprised.

“Shut the fuck up.”

They all crawl away from their hideout and Kylo stretches his body, sore from having stayed immobile for too long in a too narrow place. Being tall is a liability. Everyone spread out to check their now destroyed ships, and Kylo curses between his teeth. He latches his lightsaber to his belt and lifts Brave with his good arm, allowing her to look at the ship as well. They won’t leave the planet with the A-Wing, it seems. Kylo struggles with the Force to get his food supplies back from the wreck. It seems the pirates are doing the same, scavenging what they can from the disaster. And then there’s the familiar _click_ of blasters, and even if Kylo knew it would happen he welcomes the scene with a sigh, and raises his hands. Ashdar now wears a smug smile on his lips, and Kylo frowns.

“Even on a planet where rancors roam free you think about putting me down?” He asks dryly.

“Well… It’s basically the only thing I have in head since you first stuck your big nose in my business.”

“So.. you’re obsessed with me,” Kylo states, deadpan, earning a gasp from Ashdar. “How _sick_ of you,” he adds.

“I’m not… Oh, you know what? It will be your last sentence and you’ll look stupid once you be dead!”

Kylo shrugs, but suddenly he doesn’t feel like he wants to play with the pirates anymore. Something’s coming, and it looks a lot like other rancors. He manically grabs his lightsaber.

“Something’s coming. Other rancors, I think.”

“She must have called her herd,” the pirate girl casually says, and everyone is suddenly staring at her. “… What? You didn’t know? Rancors are matriarchal species. They basically hatemales.”

Another pirate curses between his teeth, and Ashdar lets a deep, long, loud sigh escape his lips. His men seem to wait for orders, and Kylo feels himself growing impatient. They can’t stay here.

“Do what you want, I choose to survive,” he growls at his enemies.

Against all odds, Ashdar sheathes his blaster and crosses his arms.

“I tell you what. You’re not bad at fighting, and we’re all stuck here unless we find something to fly off. So, what do you think?”

“You want me to help you escape this planet,” Kylo simplify.

“And after we’re out of here, we can start fighting each other again.”

“Fair enough,” Kylo replies.

“Fair enough,” Ashdar repeats.

Ignoring the gasps from the pirate’s crew, Kylo and Ashdar actually _shake hands_. Even if Kylo wipe his hand on his shirt right after, the deal is sealed. They waste no more time and flee the crash site, running towards the nearest forest.

Brave leads the way, chirping cheerfully, saying the forest here is way less dense and hot and damp than the jungle they fell in before this one. It makes Kylo's heart clench a little, but the feeling quickly washes off as Brave continues her stories most of the crew doesn’t seem to understand. The little droid doesn’t seem to be affected by the sentient beings’ stress over wandering in a planet crowded with rancors. Kylo knows Luke has defeated one, when he saved Han and Leia, and Chewbacca as well, from the despicable Jabba the Hutt. Again, maybe it was highly enlarged as he was told the story, mostly from Luke’s side, since Han was blind and Leia was… well. Enslaved.

He doesn’t want to think about his mother this way.

C3PO, the droid also told him stories about rancors, mostly to force him to behave. It never worked, Kylo thinks. What was working more were the Wookiee’s shouts towards him.

Maybe the knight can think about how a Wookiee was more frightening than a Rancor, if he has to fight one of those monsters. It might help him avoid the panic attack.

 

They walk for hours before the first worrying signs of Rancor’s presence become too much to ignore. Kylo makes a gesture to order the pirates to stop before a _very… very large pile of bones._ Instead of an eerie silence, it’s a wave of curiosity that takes the pirates. Kylo’s not that eager, for the presence of the Rancors are overwhelming, here.

“What’s that? A little garbage place?” one of them asks.

Kylo shrugs, and once again the girl feels compelled to explain.

“I think… I think it’s to warn other rancors. We must be at the borders of one of the territories taken by a herd.”

“You mean they actually split into clans?” His friend says, shocked.

“Well… yeah? What did you think?”

“More like a...”

“A mega planet-pack of rancors?” Kylo asks. It makes Ashdar burst in laughter. When he finally breathes again, the leader points towards the bones.

“Mega pack or not, we have to cross the territory. The rancor seemed pretty interested in our ships, so maybe we can find one in this mess, one that will actually work?”

“Why not look for a shipment? If rancors are here, they have been brought,” a pirate thoughtfully argues.

“Yes, and we all know people living with rancors are so nice, they will probably lend us a ship straightaway!”

Ashdar doesn’t wait for an answer and steps into the bones, not bothered by the cracks beneath his boots. Kylo shakes his head but follows anyway. He doesn’t want to let pirates behind his back, but if he doesn’t move then no one will. They finally manage to leave the garbage and walk until the forest brutally stops, letting a dry ground spread to the horizon. Kylo and Ashdar exchange a look and nod before turning back to the forest like one man.

A rancor is looking at them expectantly between the trees.

No one dares move.

“… I thought you could feel them,” Ashdar says between his teeth, barely articulating his words.

“Rancors are the _only_ thing I feel for the past hour, so _excuse me_ if I didn’t make a difference between the one at five hundred meters and the one at _ten meters_.”

“You’re pretty bad, for a Force-User,” Ashdar remarks, and Kylo snaps his head towards Ashdar to _glare_ at him.

The sudden movement makes the Rancor growl, and everyone flinches. Brave is as still as a stone, not even on her suspensions anymore as she nests silently, immobile on the ground. She eventually chirps softly that the rancor’s not alone, and any noise will make the others come right at them. Since they’re not on the forest anymore, the group hardly has a chance to survive the encounter.

Great.

 _Wonderful_.

Kylo slowly closes his eyes and uses the Force to freeze the Rancor on the spot. He grits his teeth and shudders from the difficulty of immobilizing such a huge monster, and turns to Ashdar.

“It can’t move… for now… so I suggest you’d return to the forest while you can. We’re too exposed, here.”

“What about you?”

“I can deal with this.”

“You’re hurt,” and Ashdar’s tone seems… concerned. “What if you get killed?”

“Don’t act like you care.” Kylo then extends his hand towards the rancor to maintain the pressure. “Go! I won’t hold it much longer!”

It’s enough to get the pirates moving. Ashdar even thinks about taking Brave before running with his men to the woods, and Kylo waits another minute before he sets the rancor free with a cry of pain.

The rancor is _less than pleased._

“Oh shit,” Kylo simply deadpans, hiding his exhaustion as he unsheathes his now blue-ish weapon, and waits for the rancor to attack.

The beast shrieks and trashes before deciding to stomp Kylo to death. The knight rolls on the left to avoid the monster’s heavy paws, and he backflips over large claws and deadly blows. He still has a hard-time using his right arm, but he can do it. If Luke did it, then he’s more than capable of killing a rancor. He dances around the monster, swinging his lightsaber both to frighten and to hurt, and he manages to cut on a huge paw. Without a pause the knight then takes the hilt of the lightsaber and jumps on the rancor’s back, holding on the large muscles by sinking the deadly Jedi weapon on flesh until his hands hit the skin. Before the rancor can touch the ground, Kylo is already running for his life from the other members of the pack. He can hear trees crash and stones break under the Rancors following him like mad, and Kylo can _visualize_ their height only by the sound they make. His breath is ragged and he doesn’t know how he manages to run that fast and that far but he knows he’s pushing his limits, for his strength resides in _power_ and not in stamina. Well… he’s still way more hardy than most of the humans of the galaxy, but when there’s a herd of ten meter high rancors running behind you that’s hardly the most important matter.

A trunk falls right behind him and Kylo cringes, his head hiding deeper in his shoulders as he tries to escape from the blasted beasts. He can feel their breath on his neck, and that _not_ a comforting experience. With a desperate blast of Force the knight throws a whole tree at the rancors, and, while that _does_ buy his a few seconds, he feels his legs giving up and he stumbles on the ground. That’s the end of him? Really? Shit, not like that. Kylo closes his eyes…

A loud noise of machine-guns resounds, and the knight dares open an eye.

One of the pirates stands on a decaying shuttle, heavy rifle on hands, as the girl gets down from the ramp to help him get on his feet.

“Come on, come on, we have to leave!”

“IN THIS??” Kylo shouts, worried.

“That’s the only thing we have! Stop complaining and get on the bloody ship!”

He doesn’t need to be asked twice. They both jump inside the shuttle, and Ashdar flies away from the pack and into space. Kylo takes Brave in his arms while she greets him, visibly happy to see him alive.

Kylo is still surprised to be so. He thought they were going to leave him on the planet, and frankly he would have done the same… Maybe.

“Hey, this thing has auto-pilot! That’s grand!” he hears from the pilot’s seat.

The shuttle is a little too narrow for everyone to be comfortable, but they all settle on the ground, Kylo hissing because of his injuries, and pirates laughing with relief.

“Okay,” Ashdar manages to say. “You’re not that bad with the Force thing. You killed a rancor, and that was classy.”

“You saw that?”

“Yeah. We saw that.”

Silence comfortably fills the shuttle, which seems to hold onto space better than the knight first expected. He’s somewhat a little startled when Ashdar talks again.

“So? What’s your story, Force-boy?”

“Stop calling me that, I’m over thirty, I’m not a boy,” Kylo sighs. But it’s been… so long since he had someone to talk to, not just _shout_ at. And maybe they could be the first people he’s going to befriend since the dark doesn’t smother his heart anymore. With a smug smirk, the knight leans back against the shutter’s wall and shrugs.

“You really want to hear that? Well, I hope you’re well seated, because _this_ might seem a little unexpected.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yey, friendship!  
> See you tomorrow!


	19. New Friends Old Foes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo managed to survive the rancors, but he can't stop being in troubles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, wow, this one had been difficult, but here it is!  
> I hope you'll like it!  
> Enjoy!

Once everyone is settled Kylo looks at the four pirates in front of him, and he licks his lips in nervousness as Brave nests on his lap. He doesn’t know where to begin. Maybe he should start with the beginning. Yes. That sounds good.

“Before I say anything, I want you to know my name.” Kylo startles himself by saying this. “Well, my former name.”

“So you _do_ have a name,” Ashdar teases him. If he knew…

“I’m.. was.. Kylo Ren,” The knight drops out without a warning.

The silence becomes awkward at first, then the leader breaks with a nervous laughter that seems to unlock the other pirate’s reaction. One guy suddenly gets up and points a finger at Kylo who still hasn’t moved.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME??”

Kylo shakes his head vehemently, his lips stubbornly sealed. Now he dangerously glares at the other, as if he’s daring them to try anything. Ashdar stops laughing immediately.

“Shit,” he finally says. “I should have seen this coming. A Force-User with a cross guarded lightsaber… even if it’s not red.”

“It’s not red _anymore_ ,” Kylo kind of patiently explains. “You don’t have to worry about me killing you, for now, but don’t try to push the limits, I can pilot this shuttle on my own.”

Ashdar, unlike his crew, doesn’t seem taken aback. He casually leans against the wall opposed to Kylo and stretches his arms before resting his hands behind his head. A smirk is creeping on his mouth, and he waits for the others to return to their spot before he raises an eyebrow.

“Now I want to hear the whole story.”

And Kylo is happy to oblige. He decides to tell everything. From Snoke’s defeat to his visit to the First Temple of the Jedi. He doesn’t tell how he miserably failed at opening the gates, nor the endless, exhausting fight between the Dark and the Light in his heart. He just casually explains he’s on a mission for the Jedi, to redeem himself to the eyes of the Force. Ashdar doesn’t break eye-contact the whole time, listening closely at every of Kylo’s words. And it’s embarrassing to be the center of so much attention, Kylo’s not used to the feeling. He’d rather be hidden behind a mask, covering his expression as well as his ill-fitted features, or the ugly scar that slits his face in two. But Kylo Ren would have hidden behind a mask, he would have been afraid of a real confrontation that could have faltered his savage resolve. He’s not Kylo Ren anymore. He can face-up to people and tell them the truth, and bare his teeth at them, daring them to confront him. He doesn’t need to hide to be strong, now.

After he finishes his story, Kylo slowly rests the back of his head against the wall and exhales, closing his eyes. He didn’t know he had so much to tell. He feels… lighter.

“I don’t know what to say,” Ashdar finally declares. “You have me at a loss for words, and that quite a miracle.” He glares at his chuckling crew. “ _But_ , as crazy as it sounds, I think I believe you. No one could have made that up, and you proved yourself in front of a rancor, even injured. You’re a worthy opponent, … How am I supposed to call you?”

Kylo tilts his head on the side, his hair falling on his face with the motion, then shrugs and closes his eyes. He never thought about that, for he never thought someone would actually want to use his name. He’s sure he’ll have to hide and run for the rest of his life, with the First Order _and_ the Resistance on his tail. And Brave doesn’t really speak, he just _knows_ from the chirps she uses when she talks to him. The binary can be translated as ‘friend’. So… a name? Another name? He opens an eye to look at Ashdar, then at his crew. They’re just… staring at him. Kylo closes his eyes again.

“Do I really need a name?” he genuinely asks, not sure if it can help. He doesn’t care if people don’t _name_ him. If they’re in his way they will probably die, and the rest won’t stay near him for too long.

“I can’t call you ‘Force-Boy’ forever,” the leader bites, getting impatient.

“First of all, stop calling me ‘boy’, I’m over thirty, I already told you that.”

“For real?”

Kylo’s so done. He cringes and straightens.

“Just… I know I’m not _impressive_! Alright? What do you think the _mask was for_?” he sighs. “I don’t care how you call me. People knowing me will keep calling me _Kylo Ren_ anyways, no matter what I tell them. Because I’m forever trapped in whatever shit I threw myself in.”

Ashdar doesn’t answer, and an uncomfortable silence takes place in the shuttle. One of the pirates, the non-human one, finally gets up to take place in the pilot’s seat, and Kylo knows he probably screw the whole trip.

He’s surprised when Ashdar talks again.

“I’m going to call you Ky.”

“What??” the knight chokes out. “What?” he repeats again, uselessly.

“Yeah, well. You don’t have any other name than the maniac genocidal one, so I’m giving you a new name! I can even adopt you, if you want, I have a big ship and we could always use a Force-User, you know?”

The term _adopt_ is not wise, and Kylo thinks how his father used to be that type of scoundrel, always on the wrong side of the law, but having a good heart. He bites his lips and lowers his head. He can’t afford to be weak.

“The idea is tempting, but I can’t. I have duties to fulfill. And I’m pretty sure the Force didn’t mean for me to run away with pirates and accomplish all sorts of misdeeds. Also, I don’t want to be adopted.”

The girl genuinely laughs and for the first time in way too long, Kylo feels safe. Maybe _Ky_ is not a bad name. Still better than Matt. The knight puts Brave aside and gets up, stretching his arms to release the tension in his body. He winces when he strains on his injury, and frowns. That blasted arm. He decides to ignore the pain as well as the look on Ashdar’s face, and goes near the pilot.

“I need to go to an inhabited planet, to grab something better to heal myself, and maybe find new ships, surely you do need another. We’re not far from a bastion of the New… New Republic.” The New-New Republic. Kylo wonders how his mother is going to call this one. “Anyway. Here’s the coordinates.”

The pirate looks behind them for Ashdar’s approval, then nods and changes the trajectory. Kylo’s right. They can’t go back to adventures with only one crappy shuttle found on a rancor’s planet. So they fly towards the bastion, hoping the inhabitants wouldn’t be too cautious over them.

They arrive at the planet in record time, especially regarding the garbage they use, and Kylo prepares himself to answer the routine question ground control asks to foreign shuttles. But no one calls. And no one responds to their connection.

Kylo frowns. Something’s not right. He fumbles over the radio stations to find something, a message, a noise, but it’s silent all over the place. He exchanges concerned glances with the pirates, and Ashdar rubs his forehead before nodding towards his man.

“Prepare to land. We’re going anyway. We need supplies and ships.”

Kylo agrees. If the place has fallen into some sort of civil war for political disagreements, it’s not up to them to stop the war. It’s up to whoever wants to take control of the planet. So they enter the atmosphere and carefully land near the largest city. And it seems they were right: the city is in fire. Kylo’s getting used to this sight, and not being the one throwing destruction at everything. They try to find a place with ships. Surely some shuttles won’t be missed in the mess. Right? The docking area is unguarded.

Kylo freezes as he sees a ship that has _nothing_ to do here. He cringes and steps closer, before unsheathing his saber to trash said ship. Ashdar runs to him.

“What the fuck, Ky?! This ship was GORGEOUS! We could have taken her and sold her somewhere!”

Brave rolls on Ashdar’s foot, not happy about the pirate scolding Kylo. As the pirate hops on one leg with curses, Kylo draws back his weapon and starts his way to the city. The pirates are now running behind him.

“What are you doing?! We said we wouldn’t be involved in civil wars, that’s stupid!”

“That’s not,” Kylo says, stopping abruptly. He crouches and soothes Brave before talking again. “That no civil war. That’s the First Order, here. And I’m not going to run away. They all need to _die_!”

Maybe the pirates weren’t expecting this answer. The pirate girl draws her weapon and looks expectantly at her boss, and Kylo looks at her with a questioning look. Ashdar glares at her before sighing.

“We… may have some score to settle with the First Order as well. So, maybe we can help. But only for this time. I swear you’re worse than a child.”

If that’s some sort of a trick, Kylo can’t pick it up. So instead he straightens and plays with the hilt of his saber for a while, before raising his eyes.

“I’m not going to save your asses forever. You’ll have to fend for yourselves, I’m warning you.”

Ashdar laughs, a reckless, happy laugh that makes Kylo wonder if the man got some sense of self-preservation, or if he is beyond repair. Anyway, he accepts the help.

“Don’t worry, Ky, we can defend ourselves. You better watch out, because _we_ won’t save you, instead! So! Who’s counting the points?”

Kylo laughs, even if the noise sounds alien to his ears.

 _Ky_.

He can grow found of this new name.

Saber in one hand, blaster in the other, Kylo prepares himself to fight the First Order again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Fight! Adventure! FRIENDSHIP!!  
> See you tomorrow!


	20. Victory?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and the Galactic Mockingbirds kick First Order's ass.  
> Then the Resistance has to get involved.  
> Crap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must warn you. I changer the “narration name”, from this chapter. Just so you know…  
> Since my goal is to make Kylo Ren *evolve* into something else, something different than he is in the movie, I adapt my narration to that…  
> So…  
> Meet Ky.  
> Hey, it’s better than Matt.  
> … Right?

“Watch out!”

The sound of a Tie-Fighter resounds in his ears, high pitched and recognizable between hundreds, and the knight cringes. He thought they all had been destroyed. Apparently not. He wonders how Leia managed to let something that big slip between her fingers. Maybe she _is_ getting old.

The blaster shots of the ship fall near Ky, destroying what seemed to be an important building, and the knight only has a second to get out of the way. The pirate girl who sticks with him for the moment insults the Tie-Fighter, her blaster raised towards it as a threat.

“I’m sure you won’t manage to touch it,” Ky deadpans, deadly serious, while he shoots at enemies.

“Shut up, I can try if I want to. I’m still less ridiculous than you talking casually with an MSE-E.”

Brave makes a burst of offended beeps, floating between the wreck of stones and metal.

“Don’t insult me, I’m talking to a droid because she’s better company than you.”

They are bickering for an hour or so, now, since the group separated to cover more ground while they wait for assistance to wipe out the rest of the Order. There’s not a lot of Tie-Fighter, only a handful, which is already too much, but it’s a lot of people wearing First Order’s insignias, and Ky suspects they’re Storm Troopers stripped down from their armors, but still highly conditioned in their head. They’re a lot like the officers he executed on the colony.

Still, they are fierce warriors. Not that it could help them against a former Sith apprentice, _Strong with the Force_ , because he is, and armed with a lightsaber and a blaster, even injured. They will lose, but hell they will put a lot of a fight before that.

Giving up on the idea of fighting with a blaster, Ky goes for close combat. In the instant he’s on the First Trooper, his lightsaber casting dark blue shadows on his enemy (which is way less impressive than red, Ky thinks with sadness) and spinning fast, the knight severs both arms with one strike. As the former trooper kneels with a shout, Ky removes his head from his shoulders before running to another foe. He soon doesn’t distinguish living beings from droids, and he starts again the same rampages he did when he was on the dark side. All over again. They’re attacking him. They do not deserve his mercy. He hears Brave behind him, but he doesn’t make effort to translate what she’s saying. He doesn’t care. He’s fed up with the First Order, they’re always here, like the Empire. Maybe it can’t die, maybe there will still be people too tainted by vices, greed and love for power, who will recreate the Empire, again and again. There will always be people like that.

People like him.

With a roar, the knight falls on two troopers, beheading them in one swift move, before he avoids two blasts towards him. In two strides he’s on the other assailant, his blue saber forcing through his ribcage to find the heart. _Maybe the lightsaber will go back to red._

Truth to be told, Ky doesn’t know how it works. He just knows he _doesn’t want_ the First Order on his face, reminding him how it is to be eaten alive by darkness and let it do it, hoping it would take the pain away, succeed where the Light has not.

None of it works. Maybe nothing will take the pain away.

He despises the Force as much as he despises other living beings.

Maybe he should ask himself what he _likes_ , instead of what he hates. Because if he doesn’t he’ll have to spend the rest of the day making the list.

As the bodies fall on the ground, Ky steps over it to follow the battle near the center of the city.

“At eighteen people!” he hears the pirate say behind him. He smirks. He forgot to count. “How many are they, anyways?” she asks suddenly.

“They must be numerous, otherwise they wouldn’t attack a bastion of the Republic. Here’s one of the most important people for Democracy to survive. If he dies, it’s countless systems that would fall into anarchy. They must be at least a hundred.”

“Now they’re eighty-two.” she proudly states. Smug bastard.

“Please, you’re not at half of my level.”

She only laughs and goes back to fight.

Despite what they say, it’s a relief when the X-Wings pass over theirs heads, cleaning up the street more efficiently than they can do. Ashdar and his men run to them, smiles on their faces and pockets heavier than when they started the fight.

“Did you find shuttles?” Ky asks.

“Yes we did, and a lot more! War has his upsides, you know?”

Ky chuckles discreetly, turning his head towards the X-Wings.

“You should run while you can, _pirates_. This is Republican army you see here,” Ky points out.

Ashdar nods.

“You sure you don’t want to come, Ky? My proposition’s still here.”

Ky doesn’t look at the leader of the Galactic Mockingbirds. This is… too tempting. Disappearing in the middle of a crowd of misfits, hiding again from his responsibilities. But he can’t. The Force waits for something Ky didn’t quite understood, but wants to find out anyway. The glimpse of the Millennium Falcon pass in front of his eyes, on the darkening sky above the city, and he frowns.

“You should go. The ones that wrecked your ship to find me are coming.”

“Aaaand we’re leaving,” Ashdar says without another hesitation. “You know where to find me if you want to catch up. We’ll leave a shuttle for you, outside of the city, if you want to run away from those paladins, I’ll send the coordinates to Brave.”

It’s Brave that nods at the statement, and Ky lets her exchange frequencies with the pirate alien like a hysterical fan-girl.

“Thanks, Ashdar. Now go.”

Ashdar bows and starts leaving, but he turns around one more time and Ky can’t help but roll his eyes. What now?

“You know…” the pirate says. “Even without a mask on, you’re still impressive. Keep that in mind, Force- _boy_ ,” he emphasizes on the last word, and Ky sticks his tongue out in replies. Very mature, but that’s the only thing he can think of to show his exasperation to the man. Ashdar laughs and they run away. The knight wishes he could do the same.

 

As the Millennium Falcon hits the ground with little grace and stops, opening to let Rey and Finn get out, Ky stays still the whole time, facing them with a scowl of pure disdain on his face. Rey seems… outraged. She practically runs at him, the only thing that keeps her from doing so is Finn at her side. He doesn’t look more pleased than her, but at least he’s not hot-headed. Not too much.

“YOU!” she shouts, so loud she startles civilians and soldiers around.

“Yes, me! And look at you, yelling at me despite the fact that I helped and saved the Republic, _again_!”

“I’m angry because you _ran away_ mere hours after I expressly told you _not to_ , and you left me your horrid little Force-trapping lizard on board, you _little shit_!”

“Listen to you, you _pest_ , always whining even when there’s nothing to complain about! Will you grow-up already?!”

“I _can’t_ BELIEVE it’s YOU that DARE say that to my FACE!” She gasps, now livid with anger. She may fall into the Dark Side just with what she’s feeling right now.

Ky folds his arms and stands straight, taking advantage of his height. Finn tries to calm things down.

“Thanks for your help, here. And…,” he glances at Rey, but says it anyway. “Neither the General nor master Skywalker are mad at you for having ran away.”

Ky feels his anger flatten a little at the words. And he’s oddly thankful, but he decides not to let that visible. He nods and turns around, ready to leave.

“Kylo Ren,” Rey growls as a warning.

Hearing the name in her mouth makes him flinch, even almost imperceptibly, but he _senses_ Rey saw it. She _felt_ it, and it’s not to his advantage. When he turns towards her, her expression is now puzzled.

“That...” she starts.

“Don’t say it,” Ky interrupts her, now his voice a low snarl.

“You rejected that name, too,” she says it anyway. And he feels _pity_ from her. She _fucking_ pities him, and that’s worse than having her hating him. He doesn’t want to hear that name anymore, he rejected it for the greater good, because with the name of a mass murderer he could be nobody but a murderer. And yet, in spite of his efforts to become somewhat better, the fucking scavenger who took everything from him, even his beliefs, _pities him_? Ky roars and jumps at her throat with his bare hand, the one that doesn’t throb with pain, and she only avoids him by the sheer chance of the Force. They starts to fight like cats, using close combat techniques. He easily dodges a high-kick and grabs her leg to makes her lose her balance, but she back-flips away with grace. The knight doesn’t give-up and blocks two more hits before taking one in the face. With a grunt Ky steps away, and as she uses her momentum to kick him again, he steps aside and uses his knee to hit her in the stomach. She stumbles farther, bent in half, and for a second Ky wonders if she’s going to throw up. But she doesn’t. From a glance, Ky sees Finn does nothing to join the fight, but there’s concern leaking from him. Still, he chooses to stay away, and only warns people not to interfere. At least there’s little chance they take an X-Wing blast for nothing. Rey gets up, and he graces her with a second to catch her breath. She _glares_ at him, and attacks him again. This time she uses their height difference and stays low, forcing him to block mostly with his legs. Then she violently hits him on his right arm.

Pain crackles through his nerves, and he lets a pained scream escape, dizzy. He forgot about this. He’s taken by surprise when Rey’s foot connect with his temple, and he falls heavily on the ground. Again. Guess that’s the only thing he can do when he fights her. As Ky reaches for the Force to get her away from him, she _unsheathes her lightsaber against him_!

Ky draws his own weapon and blocks the blow.

Rey’s eyes widen at the sight, her gaze following the long, crackling line of blue energy.

“Kylo,” she gasps. “Your lightsaber!”

He grits his teeth at the name and kicks her in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeey! It's done! Next time we'll have more magic, more Force, and more adventure!  
> See you tomorrow!  
> (See? See? Today I'm NOT late! it's 23:40! Yeeeey)


	21. Follow the white rabbit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo loves to run away.  
> The Force reminds him he can't do that all his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...  
>  that's total, un-beta-ed, shameless freeform. I don't know where to stop. But I'm pretty happy with myself, so feel free to take a look at this 21st chapter. We're sooo close to the end, guys!  
> Enjoy!

“I can’t believe you punched me in the nose.”

Rey’s voice is muffled by the tissue she holds against her face. Blood stains the white fabric, and it’s oddly satisfying.

“You did the same,” Ky retorts. “And you attacked me. You kicked me and drew your lightsaber against me. That’s not very _lighty_ , don’t you think?”

“Shut up.”

They fall silent again, Finn offering water to both of them. While Rey takes it with a grateful smile, Ky simply growls at him and the former trooper leaves the glass near him. He’s stubborn, Ky has to concede that. While the Resistance tries to get the city on its feet again, the knight lets himself be drifted by the post-fight exhaustion. He hasn’t slept since… Probably since he has found himself in a space combat against the Galactic Mockingbirds. His arm is dull with pain, and he himself wonders how he’s able to stay awake. Maybe that’s because he’s surrounded by enemies. Yeah, right. With a sigh, Ky lifts Brave in his valid arm and stands up, but he’s immediately stopped by a hand on his forearm. With a snarl he frees himself, but he doesn’t make a move to go away.

“What now, _Rey_?” he abruptly asks.

“You rejected your name,” she simply says, more confused than angry, now. “Why?”

Ky grits his teeth and looks above her head, to an invisible point. Can he explain to her? Will she understand the constant struggle he’s in? She doesn’t seem to have that problem, even if sometimes her behavior is Dark-worthy. But she never seems to fall. It’s strangely… irritating. He huffs.

“As if you could understand.”

“I can’t if you don’t explain,” she replies as dryly as him.

“Kylo Ren is the name of the knight of Ren that had worked for the First Order. Kylo is the name of a man who _bowed_ in front of Snoke. I’m not him. Not anymore. So there’s no point clinging to a name that doesn’t fit me anymore.”

“Just like you did with _Ben_?”

He’s going to punch her again. He bares his teeth and she suddenly stands up, doing the same.

“Don’t you _dare_ attacking me, _Kylo Ren_.” She orders, now using the name only to unnerve him. And that works. But he won’t Force-choke her to death. She doesn’t even deserve all the effort he’d have to make for that. Instead, he takes a step back, but doesn’t surrender.

Finn places himself right between the two, fists on his hips, a frown on his face, and both Force-Users flinch in surprise.

“Enough, you two! I swear, you look like two dogs ready to jump at each other’s throat! You’re supposed to represent the _mystic_ side of the galaxy, you know? Spirituality, all that shit? For now you’re just as bad as Rathtars! So pull your shit together and stop fighting in the middle of the army!”

Rey looks as stunned as Ky, for a moment, but she sits back without a word and presses the fabric against her nose again. The knight doesn’t, though, he just feels humiliated for being scolded. He doesn’t let go of Brave, who chirps calmly against his chest.

“What are you going to do?” he asks, reluctance dripping from his voice. He knows the answer can change everything, regarding he has to run away again or not.

Rey sighs deeply and puts the tissue aside. Her nose has stopped bleeding, but she’s red and blue from the hit. He must be, too. She roughed him up pretty bad. Damn.

“Your lightsaber… what happened to it? It’s… I don’t even know this color. You replaced the crystal?”

Ky looks down at the hilt on his belt, and shrugs.

“It changed. All by itself. You probably noticed it’s still as ragged and unstable as ever. I’m not that stupid that I would replace a broken crystal by another broken crystal.”

“It’s broken?” she repeats as a question.

Ky nods, frowning.

“Yes it is. Don’t you dare make fun of me.”

“Why did it change?” she relentlessly asks.

“I DON’T KNOW!” he shouts, and he can see Finn straighten himself, and some Resistance soldiers turn to look at him.

Rey stares at him silently for a moment, before scowling.

“I called Luke. He’s on his way, you’ll have to explain all this to him.”

Ah. Of course she did. Good little girl, always trying to involve Skywalker as much as she can. He wonders if she can screw her stormtrooper without asking the old Jedi.

“And you ask me to stay here and not move until he’s here. Right?”

“Right.”

Ky remains impassive, silent for an awful long time as he eyes Rey from head to toe. Then he bursts into a joyless, bitter laugh. He sees Rey’s skin crawls and she closes her mind to him. Not that he wanted to see what’s happening on this empty little head of her.

“You know what?” He snaps with ill-contained anger. “You’re more stupid than I thought, if you really hoped I would agree to wait for the old-man to show up! That’s not going to happen, I’m _busy_!”

She starts to say something but Ky doesn’t listen to her. He turns on his heels and _runs_. Brave slips skillfully on his bag, freeing his hands and letting him use all the energy he has to get away as far as he can from the apprentice. He hears her shout his _former_ name behind him, but he doesn’t grace her with his attention. Not going to happen. He said it. The knight uses the Force to make-up for his exhaustion, injuries, and lack of energy. He knows the girl is by far faster than he is, but that doesn’t prevent him to trying to out-run her. He follows Brave’s beeps to find his way on the city, to the shuttle the pirates have left for him. After a too long time of running, Rey still behind him, he finds the ship, and hears Rey’s gasp. Yep. He’s going to disappear.

“Don’t you dare!” she shouts.

Ky dares. He opens the cockpit and jumps into it. When he faces Rey again, she has her lightsaber drawn, planted in front of the shuttle like a tank. They stare at each other for a few seconds.

And Ky flies off.

He doesn’t stop until he can press the hyperdrive, and he disappears into space.

Brave chirps happily, trying to find a place to fit on the non-adapted cockpit. Ky lets her on his lap, this time, so he’s sure she won’t fall. He’s tired beyond words, he didn’t catch his breath since the Rancors… How long as it been since he _really slept_?

“I’m going to pass out, so the ship’s yours. Try not to crash. I don’t care where we’re going.”

She softly agrees, and Ky closes his eyes, falling asleep in the instant.

 

 _He wakes up on soft grass, blue sky above him. Ky frowns. Everything seems real, he even pinches himself to make sure of that. Ouch. But something’s off. The Force… it’s too_ present _, here._

_He’s dreaming. Force damn it. Standing up, still dizzy with the lack of sleep, Ky curses his luck and starts walking. He’s near the Jedi Temple, might as well check the place. Jumping on rocks damp from the waves and slippery with seaweeds, the knight makes his way towards the center of the island, where the tree still takes the center stage, like an immovable king. Seated on his roots is Yoda, and Ky comes closer before settling not far._

“ _What do you want?” he asks, a little more violently than he wanted._

_Yoda doesn’t seem to get offended. He says nothing, only humming. He eventually looks at Ky._

“ _The Force, pleased is not. Offended. Yet, forgiving, almost motherly.”_

_Ky grits his teeth to avoid shouting._

“ _I did everything you wanted from me. I saved people. I protected what you call the good side. I saved the Republic, many times. Yet I’m still struggling. Unbalanced and unstable. Bad things fall upon me without interruption, I can’t have a break, and even in my_ sleep _you come to bother me. What is it I’m doing wrong? Why won’t people tell me where I’m wrong?? I never understood the first time, why are you expecting me to, now?”_

 _Yoda doesn’t reply. It only enrages Ky. He draws his lightsaber and strikes at Yoda. It’s a dream, he_ can _without physical consequences. Right? But Yoda simply disappears, it would have been too easy. With a low growl, the knight looks around him to find something. A sign. He can’t kick the tree, it won’t work to help him. Kylo Ren would have crushed the thing, but Ky can’t. He doesn’t want to show any weakness to the Force. Instead he spins around and looks for a sign._

_A rabbit. Ky thought they only existed on temperate planets. There’s none near the First Temple._

“ _That’s stupid. Can you at least care to be consistent when you send messages?” he says out loud._

_The rabbit startles and runs. Ky groans. Noooo… He chases the animal. Its white fur is too visible on the grass, allowing the knight to find it even if he’s distanced by its speed. The rabbit jumps on a hole near the gates of the Temple and Ky doesn’t hesitate to follow it, sliding into the entrance with ease. It reminds him of a story his mother used to tell him when he was an infant. What was the name of this fairytale? Ky slides for a long time before hitting the ground hard, and he’s sure if that wasn’t a dream he would have broken both his legs. Standing up with difficulty, the knight looks around him and cocks his head on the side. It’s dark. The only light he can see is the one wafted by the little animal. Ky comes closer, trying not to slip and fall._

“ _I’m fed up with enigmas and games. Just tell me what you want!”_

_The rabbit doesn’t move. Instead, it… shapeshifts. Ky startles and lights up his saber, ready to fight whichever will appear._

_It’s him._

_In front of the knight is his exact replica. But… Ky knows it’s not him. That’s_ HIM. _Kylo Ren. A twisted smile deforms Ren’s face, and he unsheathes the red, angry, raging lightsaber that had built his reputation. Ky’s hands tighten on his hilt. He should have seen this coming. He readies himself for the battle._

 _The first clash is deafening in the dark, night blue against bloody red. Sparkles fly free around them as they fight with violence. Ky’s own rage is rising up, and he feels the exhaustion creeping of his limbs. Even if this is a dream, his arm hurts as much as when he’s awake. Damn the Force. That’s not right. That’s not right! Can he beat something from his own mind?! Or he is forced to lose? Ren kicks him in the crook of his knee and Ky stumbles on the ground, rolling on the side to avoid a deadly blow. The heat from Ren’s saber is enough to make his skin red and burning. With a swift movement the knight gets on his feet and rushes at his enemy with a war cry, and he clashes his saber against Ren’s. The power of the hit is enough to send Ren away. He’s getting the upper hand. With a wicked laugh, Ky throws himself on the Knight of Ren to_ crush him _, adrenaline flying high on his brain. He’s taking back his old habits, reducing his enemies as simple ashes. And this time he wins, he’s able to forget the pain and the exhaustion, to feel delight instead of dread in the dark of the cave._

_His own lightsaber turns red again, and burns Ky’s hands. As he lets it fall with a cry, the whole place falls in the dark, and Ky’s afraid again. He hates himself for that. Yoda’s voice resounds near him, disappointed._

“ _Ready, you are not. Still too angry. Still too hateful. Still… too stubborn to understand.”_

“ _What?” Ky says, breathless from the fight, trying to see the old ghost in the dark. But he’s alone._

“ _You can’t hope to be freed if you cling to your chains.”_

_Ky’s eyes widen as he falls again in a hole._

 

He wakes up in the cockpit of his shuttle with a scream, and Brave beeps frantically around him, nested against his chest. Ky opens his eyes, heaving because of the sudden light around him. He shuts it down and tries to steady his breath.

Great.

He’s sick, more tired than when he fell asleep, confused and humiliated by a dream.

The Force is hardcore.

Ky pats Brave and reaches for the commands.

“Change the route, Brave. We’re going to the First Temple. _Again_.”

Brave chirps worriedly, but she changes the coordinates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was weird. I'm supposed to be in class, and I'm writing this, so this time I can say I'm super super early!  
> No regret, though.  
> See you tomorrow!


	22. Anger leads to Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's finally on the island, finally in front of the Temple.  
> Ky doesn't know what he was expecting.  
> Not this, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATE MYSELF! I was doing so well, yesterday! And HERE I AM, posting at 23:45 my freshly wrote, chapter! I took time to dust it a little, but... *sighs*  
> Enjoy!

The way to the First Temple seems too long and too short at the same time. Ky can’t sleep, still shaken by the nightmare, this stupid, useless fight and Yoda. He brushes back his hair from his face damp with sweat and cusses between his teeth. Brave doesn’t talk, doesn’t comment, and the knight hasn’t felt so lonely for a while. Nonetheless he doesn’t stop until he enters the planet’s atmosphere, growing more and more restless as he approaches the subject of his dread. The island hasn’t moved, obviously, but the late hour gives a larger sense of serenity to the place, the moon reflecting itself on both the waves around and the damp grass. It doesn’t appease the knight. Deciding to let Brave in standby, Ky lands near the Temple and goes right towards the tree. Its leaves quiver under an almost nonexistent breeze, sounding like whispers in the place, reverberating in the court, and it’s the only sound on the whole island. Ky stares at the tree, following the nerves of the wood up and down with his eyes, as if it’s the key answer to some mystery. It probably is, Ky thinks. He just doesn’t know how to understand it. And because _killing_ one’s former self in a dream doesn’t seem to be enough for the Force, Ky is at a loss of idea on how to please that blasted omnipresent entity. Losing interest in the tree he goes for the gates. Maybe this time it will open? Ky braces himself and reaches for the Force… and then gives everything he has on the stone. Again, nothing. Ky lets a frustrated groan escape before he tries again. And again. _And again_. It’s not working, why is it not working?? Panting, the knight growls out of anger. In two strides, he approaches the door and kicks it to try to force it. It doesn’t work either, and he should have known, but he tries anyway. He only manages to hurt himself. That’s both painful and embarrassing, except this time there’s no Rey to humiliate him in front of a closed door.

The eerie silence in the place is not much comfort, and he almost wishes she’d be here to insult him, so he could have something to unleash his anger on, instead of just himself. Ky spreads his arms and looks at the Temple.

“What do you want from me?!” he shouts, slowly turning around to follow the large inscriptions in the walls circling the court. “What are you waiting for?? Why won’t you be _more explicit on your tasks_?! Just… Ask me to cut my own head, it will be faster!!”

Only silence answers him, and Ky just wants to give up and go with the Mockingbirds. If it’s not cooperative, why does he have to try??

_Because that’s the right thing to do._

The knight sighs loudly. It would have been comical if it wasn’t for the scowl of pure anger and frustration on his face, he guesses. His emotions always get the better of him.

Oh.

 _Oh_.

Maybe that’s that!

Ky looks around him, maybe he can try something to get the damn doors open! Settling cross-legged between two large roots under the umbrella of leaves, Ky exhales and closes his eyes. He can try to meditate. He can try to do just like the Jedi.

He still remember the Code, he just… doesn’t believe in it. But he _has_ to smother his emotions. Just this time.

 

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge_

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

_There is no chaos, there is harmony._

_There is no death, there is the Force_.

 

The litany takes place in his head, slowly crawling in his spirit as the knight tries to undo the knots of stress and anger in his mind. He lets himself get carried by the words and makes them pure essence of the Force, trying to find Peace behind his Emotions…

 

_PEACE IS A LIE_

 

Ky opens his eyes and winces. He looks up to stare at the leaves, the greenery still dancing under Force knows what.

“You know what? I can try, I can try all I want, I _don’t believe_ in that! You… you can’t set aside all your emotions and just be… peaceful! _Have you looked at Rey_? Seriously? Oh, and can we talk about Luke Skywalker, maybe? Because he sure isn’t a damned droid, okay?? There’s…. I’m…”

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to defend himself, make amends of all this mess. Curling into a ball, Ky hides his head against his knees and screams.

He doesn’t find _peace_. He doesn’t believe in _serenity_. He’s just… a big bowl of contradictory emotions, ready to explode and crush everything. Hope, yet anger and despair. Self-loathing, yet pride and superiority. And a pure, terrific hatred about every bit of sentience in the galaxy. How can he believe in serenity when all this time, all people ever did was to fight against each other, crush the weak, kill the opponents, prey of other’s properties and climb to the top using piles of bodies?! The First Order was supposed to _bring Order_ it’s in the Force-damned Name! They were supposed to help regain a semblance of civilization, so that the Human Race could eventually go on on evolution! And here he is, alone on a lost island, stuck in front of sealed doors, miserable in his own head…

Soft chirps resound near him, and Ky starts and raises his head to look around. Brave bumps against his leg, and the knight immediately lifts her to nest her in his arms. He cringes to the pain on his right arm but doesn’t let go. Since he left his former life behind, Ky only has Brave. Leia waits for someone who will never go home.

“I thought you were in standby, what happened? Did you pick something on the radar?” he asks.

Brave says she just felt he was missing, and that she went looking for him. Ky wonders how long she’s been here. But he doesn’t asks. Maybe he doesn’t want the answer, after all. Stretching his legs, Ky slowly lays on the ground and looks at the ceiling of leaves.

“It was a mistake, coming here. I’m wasting my time, I don’t want to do this anymore. Luke wins, he can choke on that. I wonder what it’s like, being a pirate.”

He says that, but he doesn’t really mean it. Tragic part. It’s been a long time since he doesn’t do that for Luke, but for himself. To try to stop the aching pain in his chest. To make his life valuable, like there’s still something to salvage from the wreck he is. Maybe there is. After all, he made his lightsaber change its color. He saved people. One year from here if someone told him he would try to help cities regain their freedom, he would have laughed and told _those cities don’t need freedom. Give them your hand, they will rip off your arm. They need to be controlled_. End of the conversation, probably by death-choking. Ky can’t stop the faint smile growing on his face. The idea is funny, right? From that to what he is now, there’s only one thing: desire to live as his own man, instead of being slave of his hopes. Hopes that he could be powerful, and that he could stop his pain and instability. The infamous tight-rope he’s dancing on.

Brave is nested on his chest, scanning the environment without a comment. She’s been mostly silent since his nightmare. Maybe she senses his distress, and can’t cope with it since she’s a droid. His friend, maybe, but still a droid. Ky lets his head rolls to the side, and he glares at the door. They will never open for him. Right? He _can’t_ follow the Light Side. There was a reason for his… change of political side. It wasn’t a child’s tantrum. He was adult already, and perfectly able to make his own decisions. Or so he thought. Maybe he was _a little influenced_. But there’s was a fertile soil for the seed of Darkness in his heart. There’s still is. That’s why Rey doesn’t trust him, why she’s so onto _stopping him_ and having him on sight. Who could trust a mass murderer with tantrum tendencies?

No one’s perfect. And Ky knows it. He knows it too well. But him? He’s a masterpiece in the world of fucked-up people. Maybe he should have died against Snoke. He would have avoided a _lot_ of problems.

Okay, no suicidal thoughts please.

Ky puts Brave aside and gets up, approaching the doors. He kicks them one more time, just to be sure, then follows the _bas_ - _reliefs_ on the walls. In the dark he can’t see what they really represent, and he honestly doesn’t care.

“Peace is a lie. Passion is a lie. Knowledge doesn’t help, yet strength alone is stupid. Serenity doesn’t exist, and chaos is everywhere. Death is present, everyday of our life. Victory cannot be attained. And the Force won’t free me. It’s the one keeping me chained. What am I supposed to do?”

He sighs and bangs his head against the wall. It hurts. A lot. And it helps. Relocation of the pain. Yes, that’s good.

He finally stops only when Brave runs to him, warning she sensed a ship coming to them. Ky raises his eyes and swipes the blood from his forehead. Reaching through the Force, he feels who’s coming, and he frowns. They will _never_ leave him alone. He gestures at Brave to follow him, and he runs to his ship as he unsheathes his lightsaber from his belt. And he waits.

He see the Falcon putting itself on the ground, and he readies himself to fly away. _Again_. That’s his whole life, now. He quite understands what bb-8 felt on the war.

The ramp of the Falcon lowers, and Ky bares his teeth, preparing to shout at Rey.

It’s not Rey, though.

“Luke Skywalker,” Ky growls at the old man slowly coming from the ship.

 

He’s so not ready for this confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ky's not good at thanksgiving, but oh boy, does he run well.


	23. Can't catch me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ky doesn't mind running until he finds something worth staying for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me. I'm late. Again. What a surprise.  
> I don't even have time to read my own chapter so take ALL MY SPELLING MISTAKES AND BAD ENGLISH GRAMMAR!! Take it! It's for you!! AHAHAHAH!!  
> Enjoy !

Luke irradiates with gentleness, patience. There’s no ounce of pity in his energy, and that’s what unsettles Ky the most. He _can_ be angry at Luke, that’s not difficult. But the reason _why_ he’s angry at him doesn’t come. He’s just… well he’s angry at everything and right now he’s humiliated by his utter failure at entering a stupid building, and he doesn’t need his former master – a man who failed him and whom he failed miserably years ago – to show up like he owned the place!

…

He owns the place.

Right.

Ky exhales slowly before raising his eyes to Luke again.

“Rey told me you abandoned your name,” the Jedi softly states. “Can you tell me your new one?”

“I don’t want to and I want you to leave me _alone_ , Skywalker. Since I listened to you, nothing good happened to me! Okay?! _Nothing_!”

“Ben...” the name barely escapes Luke, and the reaction is immediate. While the Jedi’s eyes widen in shock, Ky takes a step back as if he’s been slapped.

“Do _not_ pronounce that name in my presence,” he hisses aggressively. “I’m _not_ Ben and he won’t come back!” Ben would have managed to open those fucking doors. Kylo wouldn’t even have tried to open them, he would have blasted the entire planet.

Somewhat he’s still stuck between two sides, and the idea is not pleasant.

Without another warning, Ky turns on his heels and runs to jump on his shuttle, ready to depart. Brave works on the commands with ease, and before Luke can say anything they’re on the air. Ky can see Rey bursting out of the Millennium Falcon, there she was, and she aims at his ship with a blaster, but Luke stops her from shooting. Ky doesn’t wait much longer before leaving. He’s safe nowhere, it seems. What is he supposed to do? Why won’t people forget him? His dream turns restlessly on his mind, and he searches where he was wrong. Where he _did wrong_ since the start of this whole path-seeking. He wants to punch at the control panels but he promised Brave he won’t do that again, so instead he howls and swears and sends all his dark emotions and energies through the Force. _Choke on that._ He officially hates the Force. That’s it. And now, now that he has nothing to hold on, nothing left, not even the Force, well Ky feels pretty doomed. So, might as well do something stupid.

That, he likes.

Ky punches coordinates on the control panel, ignoring Brave’s protests, and jumps into hyperspace, hoping the Falcon can’t follow him. The ship is average, he can go anywhere. He just thinks he’s not lucky enough to disappear. Damn.

When he slows down he’s finally in front of it. That planet everyone talks about. The one that saw Anakin Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi walk through this sand and... deserted... deserts. Tatooine. It’s like hiding in plain sight, where it’s so obvious, Luke won’t even think about this place.

Time to get wasted.

Ky pushes open the doors of the Mos Esley’s cantina without a glance to the other patrons, and he goes right to the bar. He feels eyes on him, and he can understand what’s the problem.

He’s a mess.

His hair have gone wild, way too long since he doesn’t take care of it. His skin, already white, is bleached with stress and sleepless days, making his moles even darker on his face. And, of course, the destroyed clothes and weapons hanging on his belt add something, he guesses. Maybe the aura of pure anger and intimidation is enough to make even Force-blinds notice him.

The alien bartender stares at him before mumbling something on his native language. It’s not very flattering, and unfortunately, Ky understands fluently the tongue.

“<Maybe you shouldn’t insult your customers, especially here it could go very poorly. Don’t you think?>”

The bartender, as well as the closest patrons, choke on their beverage. It takes a few seconds before the weird-looking guy accepts to pay an honest attention to Ky.

“Very well. What can I do for you?”

Kylo gestures vaguely at the shelves behind the bartender.

“Make it your strongest thing, as long as it’s not poison for humans.”

The alien nods and does his job. The alcohol is revolting, burning Ky’s throat and leaving a foul taste from the tip of his tongue to his stomach, but it’s working. In the instant, the knight feels dizzy. Not enough to get wasted, though. He pushes his bock towards the bartender and gestures to have the same. He doesn’t know how he’s going to pay for that, he doesn’t have any money. Well. He’ll see at the time being. A second bock is down. And another. And, well… Another. This time Ky feels wasted. He’s slouched on the bar, looking at the patrons playing, drinking, talking or arguing with weapons drawn. Instinctively, Ky’s eyes dart towards the table where, more than thirty years ago, his father accepted to help Luke and Obi-wan. Where he shot at a bounty-hunter to escape from Jabba the Hutt. Again. He heard the story a thousand times. From Luke, from Han. From Chewbacca. The Wookiee has a knack for telling stories, he remembers. And he never grew tired of hearing Shyriiwook. Force, his first word was in Wookiee-tongue. Although he’s not allowing himself to think about that.

Alcohol makes self-restrain so much more difficult.

Ky gets ready for another drink, which would obviously send him to oblivion, when a large paw falls on his shoulder and yanks him back from the bar. The knight tries to free himself, but drunkenness slows his movements and unsteadies his balance. He’s lifted from the ground, hearing a familiar growl near him, deafened by the cloud of alcohol enveloping his brain.

Before he can try to think he finds himself in a disgusting, tepid drinking trough from the front of the cantina. His lungs fill with foul water as Ky struggles to get out. Fighting to stay out the water, the knight grabs the edge of the trough and coughs large jets of tainted liquid. He’s not drunk anymore and he’s feeling miserable. Great. His clothes are soaked and he can’t even get out by himself. Raising his eyes with a sigh, Ky looks at what threw him out of the cantina.

He wasn’t waiting for that. It was the last person on the galaxy he thought he could see again.

“Chewbacca,” he manages to say, spitting more water in the process. Crap.

The Wookiee stares at him with a stern look. His large paws are folded against his chest. The scene is drawing attention, and soon Chewbacca has to make the curious go away. That’s no better, though. With difficulty, Ky gets out of the trough and leans his back against it to keep his balance. His hair is stuck to his face, and he weakly fights against it to look human again. As human as he can.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, trying to dry under the unbearably hot suns. His clothes are good for the trash. They weren’t that bright, now they’re completely unwearable. Great.

The Wookiee explains he heard about his fight against Rey on the Republic city, and he has looked for him since. How he find him, he doesn’t tell. Ky guesses that’s a miracle. He stays silent as Chewbacca tells him how he tracked the ship after having asked about a stolen shuttle. He came without asking permission to Leia nor Luke. He finally falls silent too. It’s weird to see Chewbacca at a loss for words. He’s rather talkative, making comment even when there none needed. People think of him as a mere animal. Just because they can’t understand the growls and shouts… But Ky knows Chewbacca has been the most intelligent and present person in his childhood. He told him a lot about space, showed him how to craft paper shuttles. He also showed him how to take care of a real ship, but Ky had been too young to properly understand all the words and instructions.

And Kylo has killed his best friend.

With a shudder, Ky closes his arm around him, as to keep little light he has on him.

“I’m…” he wants to say he is sorry, but he still can’t. He’s not strong enough, too proud. So he improvises. “I’m sure you hate me, and I don’t blame you for that. I hate me too.”

Strong arms circle him, and Ky starts before giving up to _His Uncle’s_ embrace. The only one who waits nothing from him (and is still disappointed to find him drinking his ass off in a disgusting cantina) but who’s still here now. Ky deserves his hate. Deserves his anger. It’s painful to see Chewbacca isn’t angry anymore. He’s still sad. A sad Wookiee is a sorry sight, but the smuggler remains dignified.

As Chewbacca finally releases him, Ky sniffs and frowns.

“I need other clothes, or I’m going to die eaten alive by whatever’s on this water. Can you… I’m not going to run away.”

Chewbacca understands him. He always did. So the knight goes to the city to find other clothes he shamelessly acquires by using the Force to convince the buyer he actually paid for it, then once he’s dry and changed he returns to Chewbacca. The Wookiee is waiting near Ky’s shuttle, talking loudly to an utterly scared Brave. Taking his droid in his arms, the knight stares at Chewbacca.

“So, what do you want from me? Surely you didn’t come to make me go back to the Resistance. Right?”

The Wookiee shakes his head and talks about someone to help, and that maybe the trip could be beneficial to Ky. He also talks about a distressed sweetheart, and the knight connects the dots. They’re going to Maz Kanata. He doesn’t mind. The little woman will probably, though, because he destroyed her castle trying to kill the Resistance, after having burned down the Republic. Oh well. But he owes Chewbacca a favor for not having brought reinforcement. And…

Maybe it could be like old times. When he was barely old enough to be on a ship. When he wanted to accompany his family on their adventures.

Nodding, Ky grabs his gear from the shuttle.

“I’m going with you.”

Chewbacca makes a pleased noise, similar to a laugh, and grabs Ky’s shoulder to lead him to his own ship.

Lightly, very lightly, Ky is smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little... slow, but I promised it will be better! Trust me? *puppy eyes*  
> See you tomorrow!


	24. Past and Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ky finds himself fighting against his past, only to be guided to a brighter future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is long. *Very* long and I apologize for it, But it was needed. It's... I think... the most important Chapter of all. If you care for my explanations, I will give them in the end note. For now...  
> Enjoy!

Chewbacca’s ship needs a co-pilot, and Ky cringes at that, but he doesn’t complain loudly. He’d rather avoid touching commands for a while, because he’s still drunk, and he can already feel a massive headache creep into his brain. The next two days will be glorious, he thinks. Brave nests on his knees, not wanting to stay behind with the rest of the stuff, and he lets her do it too. It’s not like she’s bothering him. He bothers himself enough. As Chewbacca drives them through the galaxy, silence makes itself at home in the cockpit but it’s comfortable enough. Again, it’s unsettling to be near a silent uncle Wookiee, but he needs _time_ to accept to travel with Ky after… after what happened. The knight feels it. Chewbacca’s struggle at staying calm despite his best friend’s murderer being just at an arm’s reach. The only thing that prevents him from beating the crap out of Ky is the fact that said murderer is his _nephew_. And they’re mourning the same person. Still, Ky doesn’t want to unnerve the Wookiee, because he doesn’t know if he will fight back when Chewbacca decides to bash his head. But he doesn’t want to die either. So he enjoys the relatively calm silence until they eventually arrive at Takodana. The sight of the no man’s land left in place of the Castle clenches Ky’s heart, and he pushes the sentiment far away. He’s here to help, not to linger on the past. He doesn’t care what Kanata thinks about him. He helps Chewbacca, and then he’son his way. End of the story.

He should have taken his own shuttle, but he knows it would have vexed the Wookiee. He hushes his inner voice before it can talk about Karma and exits the shuttle, ready to be tackled by a tiny yet fierce woman in the middle of a re-construction site.

“CHEWBACCA! Where WERE YOU you big stupid ball of fur, I called for you days ago!” Maz shouts, leaving piles of stone to the care of a large droid. She walks quickly to them, but stops at a few meters, her eyes enlarged by her goggles staring at Ky. Who shifts uncomfortably from one leg to another.

“… What is _he_ doing here? Have you lost your mind, Chewbacca? I don’t want him here.” she snaps at Chewbacca, and the Wookiee tries to explain but she interrupts him. “He destroyed a thousand years of hard work. He killed countless lives. He took my home down and _yet_ you bring him here? I can’t believe it!”

“You can complain all you want,” Ky dryly replies, “Chewbacca asked for my help, and I will help him. But that doesn’t mean I _want_ to be here. So let’s get done with it so I can leave.”

Something in her eyes changes as she scrutinizes him, and the knight feels his unease grow more and more. He’s the one to break eye-contact, and he leaves the place, returning to the ship to take care of Brave (even though she doesn’t need it). He hears Kanata talk softly to Chewbacca… Are they really dating? Ky never knew, he vaguely remembers Leia saying it’s bull-crap, and Han laughing at Maz calling Chewbacca her ‘boyfriend’ while Chewbacca used a term similar to common ‘sweetheart’. But…? Maybe he’ll ask the Wookiee, if Kanata doesn’t turn him against Ky. Absentmindedly petting his confused droid, Ky looks at the forest around him. Finally Chewbacca comes back and says it seems the First Order settled on Takodana, but Maz is concerned warning the Resistance or other bounty hunters groups will only spread rumors about Takodana not being safe anymore. Ky understands. She’s the Pirate Queen, the safe sanctuary of neutrality on the galaxy. If it was known that the last war on Takodana has taken everything from her… The knight turns his head away from the castle and nods.

“Let’s be discreet and efficient. After that you bring me back to Tatooine so I can have my shuttle. Alright?”

Chewbacca accepts and they leave the destroyed buildings for the large forest. Ky reaches through the Force for presences. Scouts, Spies, Soldiers… He only feels the Force-sensitive energy of Kanata, following them. He decides not to tell Chewbacca. Maybe he knows. And if he doesn’t, Maz didn’t tell him for a reason. After a while of wandering in a forest he never paid attention to before, he can finally feel them. The First Order.

What’s left of it. Ky realizes they’re barely more than ten, far from the negative, war-like energy of those who attacked the bastion. Scared, hurt, confused. Betrayed. All these emotions are raw with exhaustion and permanent stress. They’re not attackers. They’re fugitives trying to survive. He gestures at Chewbacca to make him stop moving as he approaches alone the camp of oblivious soldiers. He doesn’t want things to end too badly. They’re fugitives. They’re First Order. But their emotions are difficult to bear, much like the Fatherless kids he met on this distant planet. Bracing himself, he draws his blaster and enters the clearing in which they made their camp.

“Nobody moves.” He states clearly, the Force swirling in his words as well as around the place.

They don’t move. With a gesture of his hand Ky obliges everyone to drop their weapons. They looks like the kids he executed on the First Order stronghold. Kriffing Hell… This one he recognizes him. An officer of the First Order, barely older than him and yet he had everything to lead the Order. He’s not Doorn, though.

“Who do you work for?” he asks, not getting the name on purpose as not to influence their answer.

“I… No one, sir. It’s just us.” the officer replies, he tries to look composed but he can’t quite stay unfazed. Maybe because of the Force-User in front of him.

“Where’s Doorn?” Ky demands, frowning.

“Doorn? I thought he was… I don’t know.” the man stutters. He says the truth, it’s unsettling. Maybe the defeat made him lose every bit of fight in him. Maybe they’re broken, those men in front of him. Ky hesitates a while. Maybe he should just execute them, either way they will die. He raises his weapon right in front of the officer’s face, ready to shoot. He hears Chewbacca growl behind him, but that doesn’t falter his resolve. He unlocks the blaster.

“Kylo Ren, don’t!”

The name falls heavily on the clearing, and Ky’s hands shake when he hears it. He steadies his grip and bares his teeth at Kanata without looking at her. She ruined everything. The officer and the soldiers look at him with bewilderment, processing the new information. The sentiment of betrayal grows stronger around them, and fear of death as well. Maz enters his line of sight as much as she can, their height difference striking now that she stands so near to him. Ky barely lowers his eyes, staring at the officer.

“Don’t call me that,” he snarls. He doesn’t care to develop.

“You don’t want to kill them, you know it! They have lost! You can’t shoot at them, that’s not a fight, that’s _murder_!” It’s weird to hear a woman dedicated to help smugglers and pirates talking about murder, and what’s right or wrong. But she’s right. He doesn’t want to shoot them.

Except someone has to do it, and everyone is too weak to deal with that, despite the fear of the re-rise of another Empire. Every First Order follower alive is a potential threat to a democratic future. He himself is a threat to a Democratic future. Why can’t people understand that?

“They have to die, Kanata. Now get out of my way.”

“You can bring them to justice. I can give Chewbacca a shuttle, to take them to the Resistance. As long as you don’t tell where you found them.” She’s sounding very professional, so different from the shaking mess of emotions that Kylo is in front of her. Why is she doing that?! How?

Chewbacca agrees behind them, and somewhere in his brain the knight feels a little betrayed. Maybe they _are_ dating.

“Lower your weapons. Cuff them and release them to the custody of Justice.”

“A pirate talking about Justice?”

“A mass murderer hesitating to shoot someone in the head?”

… Touché. Ky makes a frustrated noise and knocks every soldier out with a flick of his wrist. He hates this feeling of weakness. Without a warning he grabs his lightsaber and destroys the trees around them, screaming at himself, disgusted by his fears and hesitations. He should have killed them without another thought. They’re a _menace,_ and he has to destroy every menace in the galaxy in _hope_ of finding peace. Right? RIGHT?? So why can’t he even manage to do that? He’s not Light. He’s not Dark either. He’s nothing!

 

The destruction finally stops.

Ky is kneeling near a destroyed tree, sitting on his ankles, trying to even his breath. The two others are not far from him, they just… they probably decided it was safer a little farther from his anger. They are right.

“Where’s Brave?” he asks, his voice hoarse from having yelled too much. He hears the familiar, friendly chirps of his little droid, and he turns his head to look at her tying the soldiers. Such a smart girl.

“So it’s ‘Brave’?” Maz’s voice is empty of emotion but he feels she’s testing the waters to talk to him. It’s unusual to have Maz Kanata so careful in front of him. Even when he was a little boy she was sure of herself. Strong.

“Don’t patronize me,” he snarls at her. “Say what you want to say. That I don’t belong where I try to fit. I’m too much tainted. I’m too angry, too violent. I can’t be in the Light.”

“That’s right,” she replies. Ouch. She comes closer, unafraid of him now. Chewbacca goes to help little Brave. Ky wonders if she’s still frightened by the Wookiee’s large stature.

Maz sits in front of the knight, on the destroyed tree trunk still crackling with energy.

“You’re not Kylo Ren,” she states.

“I’m not,” he simply replies.

“Are you Ben Organa-Solo?”

He flinches at the name. “I’m not,” he repeats, his voice still broken. He coughs and tries again, this time more surely. “I’m not.”

“Are you somewhere between the two?” It’s a rhetorical question.

“I don’t want to be slave of the Dark. I don’t want to dedicate my life to the emotionless Light. I just… I wish I never had the Force.” He chokes on the word. He won’t cry.

Maz stays silent for a moment, her legs dangling on the air because she doesn’t reach the ground. Ky wonders if they’re done and if he can go and hide again. But as he’s about to get up she stops him.

“You can’t ask for that. The Force is all around us. It’s our pain, but also our hopes, our dreams. It guides us in the dark.”

It’s like she knows what she’s talking about, but yet she’s so far from what Ky _feels,_ the turmoil in his heart, the restless pain! This time Ky stands up and explodes.

“How come it never did that for me? How come it left me to fall for the Dark Side? Where are they, those ghosts Skywalker told me about? I was _alone_ , I had nothing! Not my parents, not my family, no friends no hope no future, nothing! Twenty-two fucking years old and I still was a padawan, never ready to be a Jedi, but unable to step back from this life! What were you thinking, all of you, when you decided it could be good to leave me alone, to hide the ugly truth about my lineage?! Do you realize what I’ve become when it became public?! Not only was I the expectation of an _entire galaxy_ , the scion of a family of heroes, but the dread of skeptics who believed I was about to fall like my grand-father, even when that _wasn’t_ true! I was stuck in a life I couldn’t live up to, expectations I could never reach, with a family too busy saving the day to take care of me when I was an infant!! Force’s sake, _even my name is one of a fallen hero of the Light, I NEVER ASKED FOR ALL THAT!!!_ ”

Chewbacca is now near him, ready to seize him, Ky can sense even without the Force. But he’s not going to be stopped. He doesn’t want to be stopped. He wants people to understand! Is it that hard?

Maz now looks at him with pity, and he wants to run, steale Chewbacca’s ship and roam the galaxy until he reaches its limits, and then continues into the nothing until he dies alone and away from everyone. He startles when a little hand closes on his, and tries to free himself, but Maz’s grasp is steady and strong.

“I heard you. I heard you and I understand. Now listen to me closely. They may have been wrong, but your parents loved you dearly. Your mother still does! As for your father, he _died_ for you, isn’t it enough to prove how much he cared? Yes, they’re a little stupid, and were clearly not prepared to have a child, but nobody is to blame, here.”

Ky trembles under the woman’s presence, half rage half dread. All his muscles are sore from the unreleased tension. Maz continues, her strange goggled eyes staring at his very own soul.

“I won’t ask you to come back to the Light. It can’t work, it never did. You destroyed everything I had, you killed many of my dearest friends. Han. For that I can’t forgive you. But I won’t resent you either. Women of my age can’t hold grudges, or we would never move on.”

“Now,” she continues, making sure he’s listening to her. “There’s another way. A way you need very, _very_ badly. And I’m angry at Luke for not having tried that sooner.”

Ky closes his eyes, pushing the tears far away, before opening them again and locking his gaze on Maz. She forces him to kneel, so they can be face to face. The knight takes a little time to see how old she seems, covered in countless wrinkles, her little eyes hurt by the light. Yet, her energy is young, bright, immovable. She will live many years more.

“Have you ever heard of the _Grey Code_ , dear?”

Ky gulps and shakes his head. He has no idea what she’s talking about. Is this a trick?

“Close your eyes,” she orders. He does it. “Feel the Force. And let me tell you the Grey code.”

 

_There is not Dark Side, nor a Light Side,_

_There is only the Force._

_I will do what I must to keep the balance._

_The balance is what keeps me together._

_There is no Good without Evil,_

_But Evil must not be allowed to flourish._

_There is passion, yet emotion,_

_Serenity, yet peace_

_Chaos, yet Order._

_I am the wielder of the flame, protector of the Balance._

_I am the holder of the torch, lighting the way._

_I am the keeper of the flame, soldier of the balance._

_I am a guardian of balance._

 

Ky bursts into tears, lowering his head as this new, unknown Code turns round and round in his mind. Realization punches him in the guts, he bends in two under the sudden shock. It was there all along, all his hopes, all he ever dreaded to be. He opens his eyes and tries to wipe the tears with the back of his hands before looking at Maz again. She’s smiling. Ky can’t smile, the pain in his chest is too bright, too present. But for the first time in his ignorant, empty life, there is something to help. Right here right to his face.

Offered to him by a millennial alien with no training to the Force. Ky feels highly betrayed by his entire family. Betrayed by both his masters, who forced him to stay a child in his knowledge of the Force, guiding him left and right to what they wanted him to do, not what he was supposed to be. Both Light and Dark were extreme, jealous, possessive. But maybe, _maybe_ in the middle of their fight was a safe island for people like him. He nods, the litany burned in his mind and the knight will never forget it.

“Thank you, Maz Kanata,” he whispers only for her to hear it, and she smiles more at him. She winks.

“The great knight of Ren, thanking me. Let it be our secret. How am I supposed to call you?”

“Ky. Pirates gave me that name. I suppose it’s fitting,” he simply replies.

“Well, Ky, let’s wipe those tears and bring justice on this galaxy. Let the Resistance deal with the First Order. You have much more to take care of.”

Again he agrees before trying to recompose himself. Chewbacca and Brave already attached the waking soldiers, and the droid runs to her friend to ask him if he’s alright. Maz smiles at the scene.

“That’s a lovely droid you have.”

Ky simply nods and glares a “don’t patronize me” look at the woman, but the venom is gone. All his energy is gone. But he feels… more at peace. Not quite a peace, yet, but he’s getting there. Maybe he should stay with Kanata.

 

He joins Chewbacca on the ship to the Resistance anyway. He has intel to give, and after that? He’ll see. Maybe he’ll confront Luke about all this. Maybe he could say to his mother he’s sorry. Maybe.

For the time being, he just has to concentrate on the trip back to the Resistance, and the soothing litany swirling in his head.

 

_The balance is what keeps me together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I was a Jedi, I would be a Grey Jedi. Just like Qui-Gonn! Dark is neat, and Light is beautiful but both those sides are just... unreachable for human beings. Only exceptional beings can live up to the Light's expectations, and only monsters can follow the path of the Dark.  
> Kylo's not as exceptional as Luke was, and he's clearly not a monster so... Here comes the Grey Code!  
> Also... I have a dear friend who thinks she's compelled to do things she doesn't like, and maybe that because people never helped her realize there's alternatives, and that she doesn't need to be afraid of following a new way. She's a beautiful soul, she just can't realize it. She's like Kylo on this chapter, so this is for her...  
> Okay here I'm stopping.  
> See you tomorrow!


	25. The cost of a life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ky has to face a trial, and though it's not his own, it may be the most important one in his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Alice's white rabbit! My, look at my wrist, I'm LATE AGAIN!!  
> That's... raw? Like the other, typos, grammar mistakes and all the stuff, so please don't hit me, just...  
> Enjoy!

Leia’s smile on the Resistance’s airport matches thousands stars, and it falters only a little when Ky doesn’t show warmth at her. He still doesn’t know if he should be happy or angry, relieved or betrayed. That’s for another time. For now he silently follows her lead to the Resistance’s prisons so he can jail their prisoners. The higher ranked man – Lieutenant Khan, he discovered while eavesdropping at the soldiers’ exchanges – hasn’t talked since Takodana, and it’s not up to the knight to make him. That’s Resistance business. Once they are all settled on a jail, Ky leaves the place and readies himself to exit the planet before Leia can reach h…

“Are you really trying to leave the place without a word?”

Ky sighs. He should have known that wasn’t going to work. As stiff as a brick, the knight turns abruptly to face his mother. Leia’s really close, searching his face, hoping for a smile.

“Rey told me you rejected the name you took as a Darksider.”

“The girl’s telling a lot of things,” Ky replies straightaway. Then he remembers he said to Maz he would make efforts. “… It’s _Ky_ , now,” he adds, less dryly.

She nods.

“Ky, then. I like it. You know, I like your real name better, but if you’re going to be stubborn, Ky will do. Do you want to see Luke?”

“No. Why would I?”

His mother shakes her head, slowly, sadness creeping on her face like it never went away. Ky feels bad, but he really doesn’t want to see his Uncle. Not right now. He gestures at her to walk with him, and she complies without a word. They walk in the large corridors, and it’s only when they find the fresh air that Leia talks again.

“The prisoner knows who you are,” she states, it’s not a question.

“He may have found out. I don’t care. That’s not my problem. People will scream at me eventually so… I can’t stay for too long, I have a lot to do.” He turns towards Leia. “It seems the man who tries to recreate the First Order is named Doorn. A man who was Hux’s second in command. But he was well known for having… views on Hux’s place. That why the General kept him close, to make his energy to good use as well as keeping an eye on him. Now Doorn calls himself General, I’m not surprised. I didn’t find him, though, you should send someone to track him down and finish him.”

Leia now has her professional face on, nodding as he talks, before noting everything on a little pad.

“It will be done. Thank you for your help. Now…” her feature becomes softer as she raises her eyes to him again. “Would you care to stay for their trial? It won’t be long, the last leaders of the New Republic are coming, and I’m not asking to show yourself but, at least stay to see what’s becoming of them.”

That’s not supposed to happen. She’s not supposed to ask him to _stay_ where he’s vulnerable to both Rey and Luke. He glares at her… and immediately deflates as she stares at him with hope.

“… Sure, whatever,” he manages to say, hiding his blush.

“Thank you, sweetheart. Let me guide you to the infirmary for your arm.”

“How do you…”

“I’m still your mother,” she interrupts him with a smile.

Ky groans and follows her.

 

 

The bandage on his arm is steady, better than anything he did the past days to heal himself. Brave chirps, floating around his legs, probably happy to be home. But Ky can’t quite match her glee, as he walks quickly towards the large trial room. He changed his rags for clothes more suitable, a hood threw on his hair to hide most of his face. He enters the room and goes to sit on a bench, far from Luke and Leia. And Rey and her friends. Basically he hides in the crowd gathered to attend the whole parody of justice. He shouldn’t be here. His eyes lock on Khan’s, who immediately recognizes him. Ky wonders if he told everyone that _Kylo Ren_ is hiding among them. Or if he intends to before being executed. He grasps Brave before she tries to sniff around the place, and sticks her on his knees, securing her in his arms. She complains a little, but hushes when the trial begins.

The knight doesn’t give attention to what’s said. He rather focuses on emotions, energies, on what the jury really wants. The whole court is unnerved, on edge as if the least sparkle could make the whole place explode. Anger. Grief. These two emotions are suffocating on the room, and Ky can see Luke shift uncomfortably on his seat. He must have felt the same. Naturally the soldiers don’t have someone to fend for them, so it’s Khan who takes their defense, explaining the Order’s motivations, why they joined it in the first place. He also says why they left, but he doesn’t talk about their arrest. They’re just lost, that’s pathetic. They gave up on all their dreams, they all are resigned to die, but they don’t want it. Ky can understand. He himself joined the winners’ side just before the fall, protecting himself from what they’re suffering right now.

Maybe he will find himself in the dock.

The whole time, Khan throws glances at him, and Ky can’t help but be curious about the whole thing. Closing his eyes, he creeps onto the Lieutenant’s thoughts, brushing invisible fingers at the surface to pry into his emotions. He immediately steps back from Khan’s head, unintentionally causing pain at doing so. Glancing an apologetic look at Luke who’s now totally focused on him with a disappointed glare, the knight sinks further in his seat, making himself small.

Khan hopes that he will take their defense. That’s stupid. Kylo Ren wasn’t known for being supportive, so why is this man so hopeful? Because of what happened at Takodana?

That’s… _stupider_. Ky rolls his eyes. He’s at a loss for words, apparently. As soon as the defense speech is done, the trial takes a break to wait for the jury to decide. Ky leaves the room. And _Of course_ Leia catches him before he can go anywhere.

“What now?!” He snaps, a little harsher than he wanted to. She doesn’t seem to mind.

“Ky, I need to talk to you. I talked to Chewbacca.” Of course she did. “He told me about… well he told me that’s _a lot_ going on in your head. And I wanted to tell you, this isn’t all about _The Force_.”

Ky stares at her for a while, looking for a trick. When he finds none, he leans against the wall and crosses his arms, his hood still drawn on his head. When Leia’s sure he’s listening to her, she agrees to continue.

“As I was saying, it’s not all about the Force. It’s also about what it keeps alive. Us. I know you’re making effort, but you… Ky, you can’t spend your whole life hating all living beings around you. Not yourself nor the others. You can’t really understand the Force if you shut yourself from the others. Have you made friends, while you were traveling?”

“I’m not twelve...”

“That’s not my question, mister,” she snaps, authoritative.

Ky sighs, but shrugs.

“I guess. The pirates who kidnapped me tried to kill me a few times, then we found ourselves in troubles and we… sort of _bonded_ , survival makes people do a lot of weird things. Anyway, I think we’re… even.”

“That’s good,” she encourages, and he scowls, annoyed. “I’m proud of you. But please? Consider opening yourself a little at others? And _not_ through the Force like you did earlier. You made him stutter, he was trying to defend himself, that was _not_ smart.”

“I know, _mom_.” Ky tries everything to make her stop rambling, but that doesn’t have the desired effect. Instead she stares at him wide-eyed, like she’s been slapped in the face. Ky unfolds his arms, afraid he did something bad.

But then, Leia smiles tenderly at him.

“My boy, you just sounded exactly like you were sixteen and desperate to have me out of your personal life. I don’t know if you remember this heated conversation on your nocturnal escapades. This… you just sent me back fifteen years in the past.”

She hugs him tight, and this time Ky hugs her back.

When they go back to the trial, she offers him a reassuring smile before letting him take his seat, joining Luke again.

 

The jury comes back from the private quarters, an envelop in one’s hand, that they offer to Leia, now standing up in front of everyone. She briefly reads it before closing it again, her eyes locked on the first of the jury.

“Have you reached your verdict?”

“We have, General. We found the Defendants guilty of their crimes. However, we came to the decision that death shouldn’t be the sentence. We offer another alternative: the defendants will have to do community service to rebuild the Republic, under surveillance. If one of them betrays the proposition and tries to contact any form of rebellion, then he will be executed without further judgment.”

Ky holds his breath. That’s… a good sentence, he thinks with surprise. He glances at Khan, and sees him as relieved as he is himself. Maybe there’s hope to find peace, after all. Despite the galaxy being sliced in two by this war, there’s people trying to rebuild it with kindness. Leia looks at the accused, then at the jury, before nodding.

“That’s a wise decision, one I gladly accept. Too much blood has been spread in the name of this war.”

“NO,” a shout comes from inside the crowd.

A man suddenly stands up and shoots at Khan. Ky sees red.

In the instant he’s between the Lieutenant and the blast, the bolt stopped in mid-air on the room, and no one dares moving, as the knight paces restlessly in the middle of the room, anger creeping up his spine, but he does his best to control it. Rey’s not moving, and he wonders why.

“How _dare you_ defy the law you fought so hard to protect?!” he snarls at the bewildered man. “Are you really no better than the First Order, or do you just decide by yourself that some lives are less valuable than others?!”

The soldier drops his weapon, eyes wild, and he points at Ky, stuttering something. The knight lets his cowl fall. So much for the _not show yourself_.

“The sentence has been decided by men and women you trust with your life. It has been decided by the law of _Justice_! Everyone deserves to redeem themselves for what they did, and these men stood bravely in front of you, defending themselves for hours, answering each and every of your stupid, _humiliating_ question to show their good faith! And _yet_ you draw your weapon?”

With a flick of his wrist he sends the blast crash against a wall far away from everyone. Then he grabs the hilt of his lightsaber and stands in front of Khan and his men, facing the whole room, ready to fight.

“You want their heads? You’ll have to go through me first! But please do not destroy the peace they tried to build.”

The man who shot at Khan snarls at him and steps up, reaching the center of the room to face Ky.

“I don’t know who you are, but you’re a traitor to protect them.”

“I can’t be traitor to something I never agreed to follow.” Yes, that’s Ky’s smart answer. It doesn’t seem to please the soldier who immediately attacks Ky, despite Dameron shouting at him to stop. Ky unsheathes his weapon, and cuts in half the man’s own blade, but making no harm to the man himself. He just pushes him on the side, makes him fall, and rests his blade near his throat. He hears Rey’s shout at the same time he looks down at his lightsaber.

 

The blade’s night-ish color has disappeared, leaving place to a clear blue one, raging almost white with the blade’s temper tantrums. Surprised, Ky raises his eyes to look at his mother, and she seems as shocked as he is. Behind her, Luke wears the brightest, proudest smile the knight has ever seen…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was... Well I did my best!  
> See you tomorrow!


	26. What I can change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ky finds himself drawn to the Light, and he try to cope with that, the best way he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one is *fluffy* and the others behind it will be as well! THAT IT, GUYS, we did it, we made it through the worst of my fic! See? That wasn't that bad!  
> Enjoy!

Ky storms into the General’s office, closely followed by Leia, Luke, Rey and Finn. Poe Dameron is nowhere to be found, and maybe that’s for the best. He did seem shocked by what happened in the trial’s room. Can’t blame him.

Ky feels astonished, too. He’s dizzy with the sudden change in the Force around him, like he’s been punched in the face by an invisible enemy. But he’s more surprised than angry, that’s a first. He turns around to look at his mother and uncle.

“What’s _happening to me_??” he shouts at them, hoping they can answer.

Luke is still smiling widely, and Ky doesn’t remember seeing him this happy _ever_. The old Jedi gestures at him to come sit with him on the chairs in front of Leia’s desk, while the General goes for her own chair. Rey and Finn stays further away, talking to each other in soft tones. Ky focuses on his uncle.

“I’m glad you acted,” Luke admits. “I decided to do nothing, knowing you would eventually step up to protect those people. And you did! I’m… so proud.”

Ky raises an eyebrow. So all of this could have been avoided, if Luke wasn’t a total ass. Nothing new. That doesn’t drift him away from his first question.

“I feel dizzy, I want to throw up. So… Just answer me so I can leave.”

“Oh, no, you’re not leaving if you’re sick,” Leia warns him. Ky groans and rubs his face.

“Ky…?” Luke hesitates, but the knight nods at the name. “Ky, There’s so much about the Force than using it as a tool, and this time you didn’t _weaponize_ it. You let it guide your instinct all by itself, and reacted alone, the Force only an ally in this situation. The Darkside, it’s so much thinner, weaker around you! You did it, boy!”

“Don’t ‘boy’ me, Luke! You hid the truth from me! I don’t want to be part of the _Jedi_ , I don’t want to become a knight of pure Light! And you hid me the alternative that was given to me since I first learned about the Force… Don’t you feel guilty about it?!”

Luke’s eyes widen, and he’s back to his usual reserve, much to Leia’s disappointment. At least the old man doesn’t deny all Ky said. He sighs and gets up from the chair. As Leia stands too, Luke gestures at her to stay before turning his steady, blue gaze on Ky.

“Walk with me, please. I think there’s a lot we have to talk about. Just you and me. Alright?”

“…Alright,” Ky agrees.

He gets on his feet and follows his former master, trying his best to ignore Rey as he passes near her. At least she’s not trying to kill him on the spot with a glare, now. She seems surprised, but also… relieved. They leave the General’s hallways, exiting the building to walk to the greenery around.

“I discovered about the Grey Code not so long ago,” Luke tells Ky. “Maybe… ten years earlier. See? And I really didn’t know if I could trust such thing, since the only documents I had on it was legends about Jedi who rejected the Jedi council. Of course they may not be true, but the Emperor had made sure every trace of the Jedi Order had disappeared from history, so I couldn’t just walk into a library and ask about Jedi Lore.”

“You could have told us, Luke.”

“My, you were at that time so full of anger, frustration and violence, I thought I could just protect you from yourself by throwing you at the Light. I was afraid a Code as ambiguous as the Grey Code, allowing chaos and raw emotions to roam free in people’s mind, could just send you to the wrong way. I was wrong, now I can see it. Who told you about it?”

Ky hesitates a while before talking again. He owes the truth, at least.

“It’s Maz Kanata.”

“Ah. I’m glad it’s her. She’s such a strong soul, and a good heart. She would have been a great Jedi, should have she learned how to be a Force-user, don’t you think?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, as they walk away from the busy, frantic activity in the Resistance’s base. “We Force-users are so few to be found, sometimes I believe it is fate that led people _and_ trouble to fall on us.”

“You’re awfully chatty,” Ky absentmindedly says.

“Oh, and you’re the one saying that? Let’s be honest, you can’t keep your mouth shut.”

Fair point. Ky has a knack for dramatic speeches. They wander in silence for a while, before arriving on the spot Luke has occupied since he settled near the Resistance’s base.

“Alone on a hill,” Ky mutters. “That’s convenient, you still play the old hermit so you’re sure no one will come to bother you.”

“You know me so well,” Luke chuckles, not offended at all. They sit on the ground, facing each other. “Tell me about the Grey Code.”

“It’s…” Ky looks for the right words. “Different. Maybe, if I heard it when I was still Kylo Ren, I would have laughed at it. But I think… no, I _know_ it’s what I searched for so long. When I left for the Knights of Ren, I hoped Snoke could stop this instability. But he _emphasized_ it. Told me to use both Light and Dark, and bend them to my will.”

He stops for a while, looks at an invisible point behind Luke’s head.

“It never worked. I wasn’t good at controlling the Force as a Padawan, I wasn’t better as an Apprentice. It was worse, though I couldn’t face myself with the ugly truth: unfit to go back to the Light, unable to completely give in to the Dark. It was horrible,” he confesses, his throat tightening and his ears buzzing with the headache. “I was trapped between both sides, but it wasn’t… It wasn’t like I was doing it on purpose, it was a constant struggle, a restless battle to prevent myself from being crushed by the Force. The Grey Code it… It can help me find balance in my present situation. Not _changing_ it for an extreme or another, just… be myself, and not be troubled by that. I’m not as strong as you, I will _never be_ as strong as Anakin was, and now I can see it, you know? I can’t fight for the Light. But I can step aside from the Dark.”

“My nephew,” Luke whispers, tears gleaming in his eyes, “In mere weeks you grew more than in years at my side, and I’m so happy you found your own path. It took you some times, but now you’ll be happy, and that’s all I ask for you. Trust me, you are stronger than me, because I’ve never been drawn to the Dark Side like you had been, and I’m not sure I would have walked away from it if it happened to me. As for Anakin… You have been as strong as he was, and much more stronger than Vader. Don’t you worry about it, alright?”

Ky nods, shaken by the sudden light in his shoulders. He crosses his legs, imitating Luke’s posture, and he feels like he’s twenty and inexperienced again, but this time he’s… at peace. The Force around him doesn’t swirl like a raging tornado. It flows in steady rhythm, following the course of the life of _everything around them_. Ky closes his eyes and evens his breath, for the first time not trying to focus on the Dark nor reaching for the Light. He looks at his place in the galaxy. In the Force. This shaking, unsteady rope he’s dancing on to keep his balance since he’s been gifted with the Force. And maybe he can make it an island between two terrific, godly Forces, and draw the best of both. A Guardian of the Balance, allowing the Light to become reachable, preventing the Dark from unleashing hate and death. Slowly, he builds a sanctuary for his heart to rest in, his impatience becoming quiet as he puts his very soul on the hard task of calming the pain, the fear, the _hat_ _r_ _e_ _d_. He knows it will be a long quest, one he has to do on his own, without little Brave, or the Mockingbirds to save his ass if he fails.

He also knows he won’t fail. Not this time.

When he opens his eyes again, it’s night around them, and Luke’s gaze is on him, sweetness on his smile as he nods to his nephew. Without a word Ky gets up, stretches his muscles sore from inactivity, and he leaves the place.

 

The knight is surprised to see Rey, Finn and Poe in front of the building, obviously waiting for him. Brave’s with them, _on Rey’s arms_ , chirping at bb-8, the two bickering about wires and shell’s style. He stops a few meters from them, now still and utterly uncomfortable.

“What are you doing here, planted in front of the building like a bunch of pot flowers?” he says, a little abruptly but the animosity is not quite here.

“I was wondering if you really managed to stay in meditation for five hours,” Rey simply replies. She lets Brave get down from her hands, and the little droid flies to her friend, begging for attention, asking if he’s alright. He crouches next to her and pats her, not leaving the Trio from his sight.

“I did. I didn’t see the time.”

Much to everyone’s surprise it’s Finn that makes the first move towards Ky, approaching him to the point he’s only one meter from him.

“Hey, listen, I know we never were on good terms...”

“I tried to kill you,” Ky reminds him.

“I know that, _thanks_ , but… What you did at the trial? It talked to me. I mean… If Poe didn’t give me a second chance, I would never have been here! Everyone here deserve to be heard, deserve to try to make amends. We can’t be born _evil_. Well, some did, but… We didn’t, did we?”

“Finn,” Ky says, standing up, “you never had blood on your hands before you helped Dameron escape the _Finalizer_. When you took part of this war, for real, you did it because you were protecting freedom and Democracy. You chose your side, and it was the good one, I guess.”

“Like you did have a choice, back then,” the man answers, deadly serious. Ky’s a little taken aback. “Listen, we all make bad decisions at some point on our lives. What do you say, you think we can still be friends despite the fact that you literally cut me in half?”

Ky rolls his eyes, but when Finn draws his hand, Ky doesn’t hesitate to shake it. Poe laughs behind Finn, approaching as well.

“That’s good news, because we have a _final test_ for you, before you can go back to trying to open the Temple’s door!”

“What?”

“You heard the man,” Finn says, chuckling. That doesn’t sound good.

“Okay,” Rey shouts, well too loud and too near for the knight. “Don’t kill each other on the way, alright? Have fun, boys!” And she _waves_ at them and leaves the place, still laughing.

Bb-8 sings delightfully around the three men, happy to leave the Resistance’s base. Brave soon joins him, and Ky can’t help but feel a little frightened at the perspective on going on an adventure _with these two guys_.

 

Poe and Finn smile knowingly at each other before dragging Ky to a shuttle, and the knight groans in defeat but follows them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapters will be Kylo in the light, learning how to be someone nice, so bear with me.  
> Gosh, I still can't believe there's only three more chapter to go... Did I do it? Did I write a fanfic one chapter a day?


	27. To be human again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ky reluctantly agrees to join Poe and Finn in their bullshit.  
> It does go well. For a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy adventure with girls and troubles \o/  
> I'm late again, what a surprise ! ahah... well  
> Enjoy!

“He shouldn’t be long, now,” Poe says with an awkward laugh that can only mean another stupid idea from his two kidnappers.

Ky sighs and leans his back against the cold wall of the shuttle. Because of course, Finn had to curse and run away as they were about to leave the planet. And of course it already has been ten minutes.

They are testing his patience. Brave is nowhere to be seen, and he hopes they won’t be leaving without her.

Fortunately for Poe, Finn finally arrives, and Ky scowls with horror as he immediately feels his control of the Force fade and disappear. Finn proudly shoves the Lizard at Ky’s face, and the beast finds his place on the oh so done ‘Force-user’.

“Why?” Ky asks dryly.

“Because,” Finn replies, pointing an accusing finger at him as the pilot sneakily gets them in the air, “Your last task is to _be human_. Your mother wants you to understand people more, and you don’t need the Force for that. And since it’s second-nature for you to use the Force, we gracefully offer you a way to be at our humble level. Aren’t we nice?”

The prize idiot brightly smiles, and Ky only rolls his eyes before petting the lizard. To be honest he has been worried about the thing’s fate. He’s glad to see it’s safe and sound.

As he’s about to agree with Finn, Poe sends them in hyperspace and the knight stumbles and falls heavily on the ground. The lizard only shifts quickly its position to rest on Ky’s hips as he straightens and rests on his elbows.

“A warning, maybe??”

Poe just laughs.

 

The planet in which they end up looks civilized, although forgotten by the Resistance’s efforts to build the Republic again. That’s… smugglers’ nest. Bounty hunters, criminals, low lives and hustlers are gathered there like an ant-hill, full of dubious activities and morally unacceptable deals. Ky’s surprised the Resistance Golden Boy knows of such places. He throws a glance at the pilot, who simply shrugs.

“What? Not my first choice, it’s Finn’s. I feel compelled to remind you that the very example of the galaxy’s population is often found in places like this. If you can manage to socialize your way on this kind of place, you’ll be able to smile your way out of everything.”

Ky simply nods, but the idea is far too close to his father’s ideal to be comfortable. Finn seems to see his discomfort, and he suddenly moves to the closest cantina, forcing everyone to follow him. He talks about something he learned with the Resistance, about a way to avoid being stabbed while arguing with an alien or something like that, but the knight really doesn’t listen to him. The Lizard on his shoulders, Brave on his arms, he makes his way in the tortuous streets to find the hole in which they are going to drink their asses off. Yes, that’s a good plan. Poe makes a few comments as they push open the cantina’s doors, and they settle at a table. The pilot offers to go grab drinks, but Finn shakes his head.

“Nope. That’s up to Ky to go order something. Right? Right?”

Poe slowly sits, staring at the knight. That’s awkward. With a sigh of defeat, Ky stands up and gestures at Brave to stay where she is. He pulls the hood on his face, lets the lizard sit comfortably on his shoulders.

“I’ll do it. But you owe me,” he sourly snarls at Finn, who simply waves at him.

Ky approaches the bar and leans against it to see the kind of alcohol they have. Nothing fancy, yet nothing infect or poisonous. He decides against the strongest ones, his previous booze-up having finished in a water trough, and catches the bartender’s attention. The man is human, that’s a first, but he has the look of one you don’t mess with. Nodding in place of a polite salute, the knight gesture at the alcohol behind the man.

“Make that three, please.”

“On it,” the man replies. “That’s a nice lizard you got there.”

“I… It’s interesting,” Ky simply answers, feeling the lizard draw the attention of quite a number of patrons, surely some of them know what this is, but Ky can’t pry into their mind to be sure. So he has to listen to people. Ugh.

“What are you doing with an Ysalamir?” a green but otherwise humanoid girl asks him, leaning towards him with a grin on her face. “That’s pretty rare, and pricy, to say the least.”

“It’s...” Ky thinks about lying. “It’s a gift.”

“What a cutie,” the girl says, and her eyes raise towards him, a knowing smile creeping up her face.

Ky knows immediately she will try to seduce him into lowering his defenses, then steal his lizard. That’s common, in this places, where smugglers and thieves are ready to do everything immoral to gain what they want. Too bad he came to like the little beast. He smiles at her, leaning a little as well, and she seems to like the idea.

“You can wear your prettiest smile and stare at me with your doe eyes, you’re still not going to run away with my lizard. So keep your hands in your pocket, alright, girl?”

Even if she seems a little taken aback at first, she has the decency to straighten back a little before bursting into laughter. Ky turns his attention from her to pay the amused bartender, and the lizard shifts a little on his shoulders, as to stay the farthest away possible from the girl.

“You’re a funny one, aren’t you? Gift, my ass, I thought you were a traveler, but you’re much more of a thief yourself, right?”

“Not a thief,” Ky corrects her, grabbing the plate in which the three drinks are settled. “I’m much more of smuggler, seen the best at work. You can’t hustle me, lady. But that’s ballsy of you to try.”

“So you really didn’t steal this Ysalamir?”

“Yes I did. I stole it from thieves. Now it’s mine, and I won’t let it get stolen again.”

The girl laughs again and helps him carry the drinks to the table. She sees the two men chatting and smiles at them.

“Enjoy your alcohol, gentlemen, because in a short moment I bet everyone will be drawing their weapons and shoot at each other when they’ll discover the Resistance is dragging its ass in this hellhole with a priced Ysalamir.” She winks and leaves.

Poe looks at Ky in disbelief.

“What did you do?” he croaks.

“Nothing!” Ky defends himself. “She just… Ysalamirs are uncommon, but well-known in smuggler’s circles, because of their price. How do you think Ashdar got it in the first place?”

“Okay,” Finn says, not fazed a little by all this. “You know what? We’re going to _talk our way out of this._ That’s going to be fun.”

“Oh, well, that’s an excellent idea!” Poe says, and he’s completely honest and that’s what bothers Ky the most.

“You can’t be serious, guys,” he groans, rubbing his face with both hands.

“Yes, we are, and that’s going to be fun,” Finn replies.

He holds up his pint of alcohol, and soon Poe does the same. Ky just looks at them. Are they going to toast their stupidity?

Maybe he’s just angry for show. So far nothing bad happened, so maybe it could just go on like that. He finally grabs his own drink and bangs it slightly against the others’ pints.

“To your bullshit.” he says, deadpan.

“To our bullshit,” Finn repeats, somewhat very amused.

“To our bullshit, and everything that goes with it!” Poe says with a laugh.

They drink the whole pints, and Ky looks with delight as Finn coughs on his alcohol.

“You can’t outdrink me, you know? I’m more resilient than you.”

“Oh, so you think?” Poe dares him, a challenging glint in his eyes. Immediately Ky goes to grab more pints. And they start doing a drinking contest, in which the knight is obviously victorious. Finn is already dead under the table, and Poe can’t stop giggling. Maybe Ky is doing the same, he just doesn’t realize it.

Resting his chin on his open palm, his elbow on the table, Ky looks around them, taking his time to detail each and every figure in the cantina. Without the Force it’s difficult to know what they think, who they are, but he’s getting good at it without using his gift.

This one is probably a criminal trying to lay low, while that one is probably _another criminal_ too loud to be ashamed of what he does for a living. This girl, despite her Twi’lek elegance and reserve, moves like an assassin, probably one of the best. She catches him staring and winks, a smile on her face. Ky smiles back at her and looks better as she makes her way out of the cantina. When he raises his eyes at a _decent level_ again, he sees a weird-looking, broad and huge alien getting angry over a card game. This man is a soldier, he knows that.

The world feels suddenly so plain, so colorful without the crippling anger, the constant frustration and unhealthy obsessions. Even in rat-holes like this place, everything shines with life, even without the Force. He feels so _out of place_. He sighs loudly, drawing Poe and Finn’s attention.

“What’s happening?”

“Nothing. I just… Look around you. What do you see?”

“I...” Poe starts. But he’s interrupted by a large group of pirates towering at them.

“The lizard. Where did you find it?” one of them asks, not very nicely.

“Why do you care?” Ky snarls at him. “It’s mine, it’s not leaving my shoulders. Go find your own.”

As the man is about to answer, bb-8 and Brave rush in the cantina and stop near their table, completely oblivious on what’s happening. Bb-8 frantically beeps and chirps, and Poe immediately leans towards him.

“Hold on, speak slowly, I don’t understand… What? What do you mean, people are coming for us?”

Finn laughs without humor, and he turns the droid’s head towards the group of pirates.

“These guys?”

Bb-8 jumps and confirms with haste.

“Well, buddy you’re late. They already found us.”

Brave makes a noise that can be oddly mistaken for a long sigh. And Ky shots a sorry glance at her.

“Sorry, Brave. You forgot we are always in trouble.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohlala, that's not good at all for our group of testosteroned children! Don't worry it's HAPPY I said!  
> See you tomorrow!


	28. New eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys are dumb when they are alone.  
> Fortunately, they're also very lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omigosh omigosh omigosh so clooose to finish this fanfiction I'm actually bewildered at the idea!  
> Well, this chapter is cute and all, I'm feeling merciful, soooo... (you *know* what I'm going to say.)  
> Enjoy! (told ya)

Ky doesn’t really understand how they found themselves all seated around the table, pints in their hands, in front of equally confused pirates. The knight has to admit it’s _maybe_ a little bit of his fault…

 

 

_BB-8 chirps worriedly at his pilot, while Brave hides behind Ky’s leg. The three humans ignore them, too focused as they are on the enemies. The hard-skinned, monstrous pirate is very close to Ky, trying to be intimidating, and his breath smells like a dead rancor._

“ _The Lizard,” the alien demands with a rock-like voice. “Or I splash your brain.”_

_Classy ultimatum, Ky thinks. Because he doesn’t answer, hardly makes a move, the whole area is waiting in silence. The other patrons stopped their conversations, and they’re looking at them with ill-contained expectation. The Ysalamir is as tensed as the rest of them, not much patient with the scene. It plunges his claws in Ky’s shoulder, and suddenly lets a high-pitched noise escaped from its throat._

_Everyone, **every single patron** draws their weapons in the cantina and gets up. _

“ _Sit down, gentlemen, this round is on me,” Ky says straightaway to the pirates, the knight the only one who didn’t unsheathe his blade._

“… _What?” Finn’s shaking voice resounds in the silence._

_Poe immediately understands, though, and he sits again, pushing chairs to make space around the table, while Ky gestures at the bartender. The thief lady is near the bar, eyes wide with expectation._

_The pirates, taken aback, sit awkwardly on the chairs, and soon the cantina returns to its usual activities. A waitress puts alcohol on the table and leaves the group alone, as the foes exchange unsure glances at each other._

 

 

That… seemed like a good idea, in Ky’s head, but now, he has to do something before everyone loses patience and they start jumping at each other’s throat. Finn said they had to _talk their way out_ of dangerous situations. He can do this. Right?

Can he do this?

“Why do you want my lizard?” he asks suddenly, his face almost completely hidden behind the pint.

“Because it’s rare and pricy, and you got nerves to show it around at everyone’s face. It’s like you own the place or what?”

“What.” And Finn giggles at his own _clever_ joke, clearly drunk.

Ky groans. Maybe he should have waited for the man to pass out from alcohol before starting a conversation.

“Listen, mates,” Poe says with a friendly tone. “We’re not here to look for trouble. In fact, our mutual friend here,” he gestures at Ky, “deals with people of your… kind. Right, Ky?”

Ky blinks for a while, before understanding what the pilot wants. He suddenly gasps and straightens on his chair.

“Ah, yes, right. The lizard’s a gift.”

“… A gift.” the shortest of the group repeats, unimpressed.

“Yes. From the Galactic Mockingbird. So good luck trying to steal it, because it put me in so much troubles I’d rather destroy the planet than having it on somebody else’s shoulder.” That’s supposed to work, right? Han always called famous names on conversations to show how well connected he was. Maybe that can work.

The hard-skinned pirate chokes on his drink while one of his friends hits him on the back to help him, looking at Ky in complete disbelief.

“You work with Ashdar??”

“Why, yes,” Ky says, and he sees Poe’s eyes widen.

Oh, he forgot to tell them he settled the… conflict… with the Mockingbirds. Oh, well. Finn laughs loudly this time, startling Brave who swirls under the table.

“The girl at the bar sends you, right?” the former trooper says with an ear to ear smile. “She doesn’t stop looking at us, and not so much people can just openly attack in a cantina for one thing. Am I right?”

“You’re discerning,” the last of the pirates says. “Yes, she sent us to retrieve the lizard. You understand that you can’t bribe us with a few pints and a smile, yes?”

Ky cranes his head to look behind him, to the bar, and he frowns as the green girl winks at him and waves. With a loud sigh, he stares at the pirate. He feels he’s becoming more and more angry, and that’s ridiculous. So he finishes his alcohol in one go and puts down the pint.

“Okay. Let’s get it over with. I’m not going to give you my lizard. I’m going to name it Steven and it’s going to help me mess with other Force-users until it will die of old age.”

“… Steven?”

“Oh, really, that’s all you have to say?”

They all stand up to leave the cantina, leaving the girl at the bar as they exit the building. The pirates follow them until they reach the street, then they all draw their weapons again. Ky throws a glare at Finn.

“Yeah, come on, it’s going to be fun,” he sarcastically snaps.

“Well, it is, I think,” Finn replies with a shrug. “Are you really going to call this poor thing ‘Steven’?”

“Bear with me, I’m not good with names,” Ky whispers, exasperated, and the answer makes Finn and Poe laugh despite their situation.

That’s odd, Ky thinks. He’s not used to make people laugh. It’s… a nice feeling. He looks down at the weapons, and checks to see if bb-8 and Brave are nearby.

“I’m not going to give you Steven.”

“Please stop with that stupid name,” one of the pirates begs him. Once more, his two friend giggles, not worried at all by the death-sentence on their heads.

Okay, time to drop the act.

“I’m a serial mass murderer who just got back to being nice, don’t force my hand to be very dangerous again, because that’s clearly not a problem for me.” Ky drops like a ticking bomb.

Finn and Poe gasp in sync, and the Pirates laugh… until the knight unsheathes his weapon and makes circles in the air with it, the sound dangerously loud around them. The Lizard shrieks and ducks its head, but he doesn’t move from its place.

Oh that’s right, the blade’s blue, now, and it’s not as intimidating as he hoped. The foes stare at the weapon, completely shocked, and Poe decide it’s a good time to draw his blaster, imitated by Finn.

“Lads, I think it’s time to give up and go home,” the pilot says with a striking smile.

Fortunately they eventually abandon the idea and step back. The trio is still not safe on the planet, but they have won a few hours of peace.

“HOW COOL IS THAT??” a voice resounds behind them, and it’s a little kid with messy hair and dirty clothes who runs at Ky’s saber and hops with delight.

Once again, the knight can just be amazed at how kids look like without the pull of the Force telling him what’s happening in their heads. Ky always despised children, especially the very little ones, for they are way too loud, and too full of emotions, and maybe that’s because they are so much similar to him, in a way.

Except he’s thirty, and he should have stopped being a little kid decades ago. Ugh.

“Don’t get too close, or you might hurt yourself,” he warns the child, who just stops near him.

“Do you have problems with pirates, sir?” the boy asks, looking at the three men.

“In fact, we have,” Finn replies, crouching to see the kid better. “Do you know how we can disappear until we get to our ship?”

“Of course I know! I’m the _master_ of this city, I know it by heart!”

“You sure are, buddy,” Poe laughs genuinely. “Lead the way.”

And he does. He guides them to the giant market in the heart of the city, chirping that no one can find his way in it. It’s the planet’s attraction, after all. And at first, Ky doesn’t want to follow them in the crowd, afraid of the tumultuous activity in it. He doesn’t do well in overcrowded places.

But the Ysalamir is protecting him from the thoughts and feelings of the population, and Brave feels obliged to remind him that. With some reluctance, way less courageous than he has been in front of his enemies, Ky steps into the market.

He will never forget that.

Colors everywhere, between silks and spices, and the shouts and yells of people from across the streets and stands. Hours and hours of bargaining, trading, selling, stealing, in a crowd as vary as the galaxy itself. Ky draws his hood on his face, the folds of the fabric falling on the lizard and protecting it, and he throws a quick glance at Finn and Poe. They nod with a smile, giving him their blessing, and Ky disappears in the crowd, followed by an over-excited Brave. He wanders from one stand to another, looking at goods, and listening as people talk, argue or chat in a variety of tongues. He can hear Shyriiwook not far from where he stands, and another language he doesn’t know answering. Communication is so difficult for him, he doesn’t know if he should have made a proper smuggler, Han always told him he was too reserved, too shy. Fact is, he isn’t shy.

He’s awkward and asocial.

But as he walks among all those people, away from their minds and yet, so close to their smiles and hearts, he knows he may have something that he always thought he lacked: empathy. A feeling he fought hard to get rid of, locking himself up away from all his ‘pure-heart’ emotions. He finds himself talking with merchants, bluffing them into selling things half the price. He buys a hair clip for Rey, to apologize to her, and also because he can’t stand those stupid weird ponytails anymore, seriously, that’s driving him insane with fashion frustration. He’s not an example, but at least he’s not a lost cause. The jewel preciously stacked on his pocket, he lifts Brave on his arm to let her look at a stand of metal scraps and parts, making a child laugh as he treats his droid like a human.

“No, you can’t have missiles.” She angrily beeps. “Because you’re too tiny, Brave, be reasonable. How about a better radar?” She finally agrees, and he offers her the droid part. After having lost himself for countless hours in the market, Ky eventually finds the way to the ship, light-headed with all this new experiences.

And it’s not the Force. It’s _him_. All by himself, capable of being _normal_ , balanced. He has to learn how to detach himself from the Force, if he wants to keep an eye on the big picture. He will be, after all, a Guardian of the Balance.

 

When he arrives at the ship, Finn and Poe are drinking – water, obviously – and chatting with excitement. He clears his throat and stops a few feet away from them.

“So?” Finn asks with a grin. “Did you have fun?”

“I… did, actually. It was quite alluring to see the world… with new eyes,” he confesses, his face carefully empty of emotions, as to protect himself from waves of feels. “Besides, I think I might have found something for Rey, since she can’t look like a proper lady and needs help to do so.”

“And, that’s the snarky knight we lost in the crowd. Told you,” Poe jokes, wiggling his eyebrows.

Finn laughs and Ky pouts a little, pushing them aside to enter the ship.

The way back is comfortably silent as Ky falls in meditation, trying to clean his mind from the mess it became since he first tried to untangle his emotions about the outside world. He has learned a lot, as usual, and it’s not enough, but he has to make careful steps, for his first rush into the Force had him falling on the worst side.

When he opens his eyes again they’re on the landing area of the Resistance’s HQ, and he quickly gets on his feet to exit the shuttle. Rey and Finn are throwing dove-glances at each other, and Ky decides to let them alone for the time being. Tomorrow first hour, he is kidnapping them to get back to the First Temple.

This time, this time he feels ready to open the doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, next chapter is the real deal, I can't fuck it up.  
> Bear with me! AND STEVEN!  
> See you tomorrow!


	29. Final Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ky has to confront his biggest challenge, now. The First Temple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooorry, I'm laaaaate. Today hasn't been great, but I couldn't let myself give up while I'm literally at the last day.  
> The last day because I'm late, of course.  
> Enjoy!

“Wake up. Wake up, I’m not joking!”

Ky watches with satisfaction as Rey startles, half-awake, and straightens on her bed.

“… Ky, what are you doing in my room? Seriously?!”

Although she’s still fully dressed, she pulls the bedsheets to cover herself, a shocked scowl on her face.

“What?” Ky asks casually, like he’s not standing in a girl’s bedroom. “Get up, We’re leaving.”

Rey blinks a few times, then sits on the bed to rub her face.

“What time is it? Where are you going?”

“It’s almost five am standard hours. And _we_ ’re going to the First Temple.”

“Fiv… Are you crazy?! It’s like, still _night time_ and you ask me to get up, creeping in my room like a weirdo?! I’m not going with you, go away!”

Ky crosses his arms, frowning as Rey just rolls in her sheets and lies down, ready to sleep again.

“For Force’s sake, leeeaaaaave,” she whines, turning her back on him.

The knight shrugs and walks to the other side of the bed to face the girl. She has the most angry frown he ever saw on her face. So the Lady is not a morning person, duly noted. He crouches to see her properly eye to eye, and reaches for the jewelry in his pocket.

“Here, it’s for you. As a token of peace. Also, because I hate the way you dress your hair.”

“Talk about a token of peace,” she sarcastically replies. Nonetheless, she takes it and studies it with care, a smile drawing on her lips. “It’s pretty, I like it. No one ever gave me a gift like that. Thanks, weirdo.”

“So you’ll come with me to the First Temple?” he asks, hopeful.

“… Alright, alright. Let me get ready and we leave at half past five. I expect breakfast on the way.”

“Okay. Finn and Poe are already up, even if they’re still asleep. We’ll manage to have the pilot doing his job anyways.”

He leaves the room and goes to find the two other men. They’re already near the Millennium Falcon, doing a routine check on the flying garbage. Because he forced them to get up really early, the knight brings a lot of food and drinks, everything for the group to properly wake up. Ky didn’t sleep at all, so it’s easy for him, but they probably went to bed really late, and now they’re up _really_ early. Eventually Rey joins them, and Ky shoves food in her hands. She thanks him and sits near Finn who offers her a bright smile. Poe and Ky take the commands, the knight as co-pilot. Brave immediately settles on his knees, gleeful with all the space on the cockpit. After having to travel in a shoebox, that must be an improvement for her. It’s in a comfortable silence that the group leaves the Resistance’s base.

 

The trip to the First Temple is short and familiar, but this time free of anguish, the knight only feels a little worried. He did everything he could, there’s no reason for the Temple to stay closed. Right? Ky’s surprised when the ship trembles and touches the ground with a loud _CLANG_ , he hasn’t realized they were already arrived. He blinks a few times, adjusting to the bright light outside before stepping out of the Millennium Falcon.

“See? It was a good idea to go so early,” Ky remarks, but the only replies he gets are groans and insults. Those not morning persons are weird. He turns to look at Rey.

“I don’t get it. How did you manage to train under Luke if you’re only effective past ten am?”

“Because Luke adapted his schedules,” she sheepishly confesses.

Oh, so that’s how. He makes his way in the grass, to the large building in the middle in the island.

“Are you guys going to make Jedi stuff?” Finn asks behind them.

“Yes,” Rey replies. “Do you want to meditate and talk Force as well?” She offers him and Poe.

The two men immediately shake their heads.

“No thanks, we’re going to stay near the Falcon with the droids, maybe we will sleep?”

“Lucky you,” the girl mumbles, and Ky bites back a laugh.

“Stop complaining, you’re supposed to be a Jedi already!”

She runs after him and overtakes him towards the temple, he lets her win, though, too focused on examining the Temple like it’s the first time he sees it. The tree has stopped shaking, its leaves now as still as the trunk itself. The sea is quite calm itself around them, the wind has fallen into an imperceptible breeze. And though it’s note very sunny, the clouds are like white sheep in the sky, and it’s unlikely they have rain today. Perfect. Ky _hates_ the rain.

Anyway.

Today, the knight has to stay away from bad thoughts. So he concentrates on the light patterns of the carvings on the walls, the broken tiling from which the tree’s roots are creeping on the ground. He focuses on the sensations, the faint noise of an insect stuck between two branches, the smell of the sea against the rocks. He hears Rey’s steps on the stones, light and steady, and he eventually turns towards her to look as she sits under the tree.

“Well? What are you waiting for?” she asks, cocking an eyebrow, and he rolls his eyes before joining her, sitting a few feet away, facing the doors.

“Try not to stay in meditation for another five hours, I can’t stay that long,” Rey whispers, closing her eyes.

“Oh, don’t worry, what you witnessed was kind of a miracle, I usually give up after twenty minutes,” Ky jokes.

After a few minutes of silence, however, he can sense she’s still not able to clear her mind. He opens his eyes and turns to her.

“Ky?”

“Mh?”

“You know… you can be whoever you want, right?”

“Right, I know that. Why?”

“Well,” Rey chews her lower lip, clearly ill-at-ease with something. He gives her time to find her words. “You don’t have to hide behind masks anymore. That’s the same for who you are. I don’t want you to take the mantel of someone else, when you should clearly be yourself to make your path with the Force. I want you to remember that, okay?”

Ky pauses for a moment, surprised by her words. He wonders if Leia has whispered them to her before they left. He nods anyway.

“I’ll… think about that.”

“Alright. Thanks… I’m still surprised you didn’t ask Luke to accompany you. I thought you wanted to prove him wrong!”

“That’s not the case. I don’t do that for Luke, anymore. But I’m… worried if Luke had accompanied me, I would still try to impress him, and then miserably fail because that’s _not_ the point.”

“I get it,” she chuckles, playing with the jewelry on her hair. “And you’re sure you won’t try to impress me?”

“What for? I know I’m better than you,” he teases.

“Oh! How dare you, you’re _not_!” She shouts, offended, and she throws a little stone at him.

“Careful, young lady!” Ky then does his best imitation of Luke’s voice “Behave yourself, you’re in the heart of the Jedi History, such childishness will not be tolerated.”

“Oh wow, please be serious, or you’re will be a Jedi hobo all your life.”

He snorts, but otherwise sits again cross-legged against the tree. Once the need to laugh has disappeared, Ky closes his eyes again and reaches for the island of stability he created for himself between the two Sides, not hiding from both, but welcoming the two swirling and raging energies, stacking them neatly, creating a balance in between, as to reinforce more and more their power through hope, peace, passion and chaos. For the first time he sees more clearly what’s happening around them, circling the tree like a silver web. The Force is strong, patient, slow but steady around them. Raising on his feet, the knight stretches his arms, and wait for Rey to do the same. The girl gets up as well, then unsheathes her weapon.

“Are you ready?”

“I am,” he replies, making the hilt levitate between his hands.

“Don’t forget: you’re here to win, not to _make me lose_. It’s about you, not about what you have to prove. And it’s not _rivalry_ , it’s just to be sure you won’t jump right into your old habits.”

“I know, I know,” he waves his hand as to push aside Rey’s comments, before grabbing his weapon in mid-air, drawing the crackling, blue energy.

Rey makes a few circles in the air with her own lightsaber, before carefully stepping aside, slowly walking around him. Ky stays focused in front of her, allowing the Force to concentrate entirely on his adversary. Then, with a swift turn around, he blocks Rey’s first hit, and dodges another. The lightsabers meet each other with violence, energy sparkling in the air with loud noises and bright lights, again and again, until the two opponents take a step back to analyze the rhythm. With a supple move, Rey’s on him again, trying to make him lose his balance, but Ky only jumps to the side and circles the girl. He doesn’t attack her back, waiting until she’s facing him to blow three swift hits, head, neck, chest, which she skillfully blocks, but Ky’s not frustrated, more impressed than anything. She has learned fast. Their fight starts to be too close to the ancient tree, and the knight takes the lead of their dangerous dance to guide Rey further away. While she has rapidity for herself, she still lacks power, and Ky has plenty of it, so he waits for her to exhaust herself against his stamina. Her moves are quick, flexible, she’s like she doesn’t even touch the ground when she fights, as light as air and as deadly as a blast directed through the heart. Ky, on the other side, is an immovable rock, blocking each and every of her blows, focusing on defense rather than on aggressive offensive. He lets her dance and turn around him, following every of her moves. And finally he’s able to predict them. He finally understands her pattern. Sticking her saber out of the way, the knight kicks her in the stomach, catching her mid-air and reversing the fight. He’s the one attacking, now, his hits more and more heavy at each of his strikes against Rey’s feeble defense. She avoids and dodges him most of the time, but he stays _focused_. He’s here to win. Not to make her lose. He has nothing to prove. Not to himself, not to the whole galaxy.

He’s _worthy_.

With a bold move, he reaches for the handle of her saber and catches it, and she startles, her concentration shattering as she loses her weapon. Ky swipes her feet from the ground and Rey falls with a yelp. She doesn’t dare make a move, though, as two lightsabers trap her throat. Her eyes meet Ky’s, and she sighs. Sheathing the two weapons, the knight offers her his hand to help her get up, and she accepts.

“It seems like I win.”

“It seems like you do. What changed?”

“Mh…” Ky thinks about the fight. “Rather than focusing on my combat style, and every mean possible to hit you, I looked at the way you were fighting, and preferred patience over stupid aggression. That… really sounds stupid, said out loud, but I never though about that. It’s so easy to get lost in the heat of the moment. But I won’t do that every day. That’s boring.”

The girl laughs openly, and suddenly claps resounds behind them. The two Force-users turn around, taken aback… only to see Finn and Poe smiling from the top of the underground buildings.

“That was quite a fight!” Poe shouts happily. “But… Do you really need all those pirouettes?”

“Well...” Rey says…

“Yes,” Ky interrupts her. “That’s part of the show. If we didn’t care about appearance we wouldn’t have glowing sabers.”

“Fair enough,” Finn laughs. “Now, why don’t you open those doors, so we can see what’s inside?”

Ky turns to face the closed entrance, holding his breath. He slides the hilt on his belt and rubs his hands together, trying to make the chills and tension go away. He can do this. It’s like he waited his whole life for this kind of confrontation. He can do this. He closes his eyes and shields himself from everything around him. He meditates a few minutes, repeating himself he’s worthy. He deserves this, he will be a guardian of the balance.

 

 

With a deep breath, the knight opens his eyes and reaches out with the Force to the door. The deafening sound of stone scraping the ground resounds in the air.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yiiiiissss, here we are, We did it, guys! This adventure is finished! The last chapter will be an epilogue, because of reasons.  
> see you tomorrow!


	30. A New Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben never felt like home until now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry for the title. BEAR WITH ME, THAT'S THE LAST CHAPTER!! I'll make a long end note to talk about that, so I'm not disturbing your reading, alright?  
> Enjoy!!

“Luke!”

The old Jedi turns with a smile, interrupting his lecture as seven pairs of eyes follow his gaze.

“Ah, here you are, you two.” Luke replies softly. “The children were growing impatient, you promised you would be there for sparring lessons, remember? I hope you trip went well, Rey, Ben?” he says the last name with ill-contained emotions.

It has been three years since the Gates have opened for the former knight of Ren, and though his hair is now wilder and his smile, more present and sincere, it has been the acceptation of his first name that proved the man was at peace. Finally.

Ben nods to his uncle before smiling widely at Chijik’ta, the kid jumping on his feet to throw himself on his friend’s arms. Brave chirps at the child’s feet, and Chijik’ta crouches to pet the little droid.

“Where were you?” he vividly asks, his thick accent deforming the words in a funny way.

“You know where I was, boy. Rey and I went to a secret Jedi hideout to gather info and artifacts. We’ll show you later, alright? Let us breathe, Force’s sake.”

Rey laughs behind them, soothing a little girl’s hair while giving a bag to Luke. The old man looks in it, then nods with a grateful smile.

“You two are more efficient than I have been in six years.”

“ _You Two_?” a voice resounds not far, offended. “Excuse me, sir? You break our hearts!”

“Oh, I’m sorry Finn, that wasn’t what I meant. You _four_ are an excellent team!”

Finn and Poe chuckle, their hands full with crates, and Chijik’ta and the little girl abandon the Force-users to try and see what they bring up.

The decision to take back everything they could from the whole galaxy to gather it at the First Temple had been a difficult decision, but both Rey and Ben are still thinking that’s a good idea. Everything they can have is worth the trips and the troubles, and Luke classifies, sorts, and archives the treasure with efficiency, keeping a trace on each artifact, each file they learn about the Jedi, or Force-Users in general. While the intel on the Dark Side is neatly kept away from innocent hands, locked up in a room near the Grand Library, they still use it to understand more the way of the Force. And everyone is welcome to the island, Force-sensitives as well as Force-users, and more rarely, pilgrims with no connections to the Force, but a deep desire to understand their surroundings. The people that settled on the planet besides the Force-users are great protectors of the Lore, the island a fortress of knowledge and discoveries.

“Thank you sir,” Poe says, bowing a little. “We’re going to stack those in the bigger room, with the rest, and if you need help to sort all this mess…”

“That’s a _mess_ , Dameron, but I appreciate the help,” Luke replies.

“Yes, about that…” Ben starts, and he shifts uncomfortably from one leg to the other, trying to release the tension.

“What is it?” the Jedi asks. “Nothing serious, I hope?”

“Oh, no, nothing serious, it’s just…”

“He blew up an entire temple,” Rey casually replies, popping a fruit into her mouth.

Ben hits her in the ribs and she bends in two with a yelp.

“Snitch,” he hisses.

“Brute,” she snarls back, then she winks at him. Even if she’s obnoxious, Ben has learned to care for her, as she’s the annoying little sister he never had.

Still annoying, though. How does Finn put up with her?

“How bad are the damages?” Luke demands, concerned.

“Oh, you know… People not _pure enough_ on the temple, some traps, a couples of columns down, the whole structure crashing, tunnels disappearing. We barely made it out alive. But don’t worry, we already had scavenged a lot of things, and the Galactic Mockingbirds are salvaging what can still be saved. Everything’s fine.”

Luke shakes his head with a sigh. This group is an army of rancors. He can’t even count on Dameron, the golden boy of the Resistance, to keep all this _children_ grounded.

“Talking about the Mockingbird,” Ben says again, “They’re coming to deliver the rest of what we found. That’s a lot, so I guess…” he looks at the children chirping behind Luke, all little Force-users with great potential. “I guess we’re all on archiving chore tonight.”

While a few of the kid cheer with delight, the rest sighs and whines. That’s not their favorite lesson of the training, classifying artifact with the Force, but it’s essential for their Knowledge. Something Luke, Rey and Ben all lacked in their own training.

“Now, now, don’t complain, guys,” Rey scowls them with gentleness, but a fiery fire behind her eyes, a silent warning for the whole class. “This afternoon, we will take a few hours to remember our katas, okay?”

Luke then frees the children, and they all run to the docking bay, having heard the arrival of the Mockingbirds’ ship, following Poe and Finn. Chijik’ta looks at Ben for his approval before lifting Brave from the ground to take her with them. Luke enjoys little silence they have, and Rey and Ben do the same.

“Despite this… incident. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, don’t worry, Luke,” Rey answers absentmindedly, playing with her now longer hair, the jewelry still shining in her brown locks. “We can handle ourselves. We’re grown-up.”

“I know you are,” Luke chuckles. “I’m just… this is all so surreal. So peaceful for the past three years and… I’m still afraid everything will fall apart.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Ben suddenly says with a firm voice. “This place is a safe sanctuary. Leia is doing everything she can to still track every trace of the Empire, and the First Order. The Jedi Order is being reconstructed, thanks to all those… Things we’re bringing back.” the knight looks down. “I know it’s utopian, and a little hypocritical to say it’s going to be okay forever, but, we can manage to make stronger bases for our next fights. We won’t just _wait_ for the first brick to fall, and stare in awe as the whole place breaks and disappears.”

Luke raises his eyes from the horizon to look at his nephew. Ben can sense his gaze on him, but he doesn’t look, his eyes locked on the ground, his boot scrapping at a clump of dirt.

“Ben?”

“Mh?”

The knight sees Rey leaving the hill from his peripheral vision, and sighs in defeat. That doesn’t sound good, when Rey leaves them alone. He’s going to be either scowled or patronized. Dammit, he’s not five years old. He finally raises his head to look directly at his former master.

“If this is about the temple, or anything that has to do with what we were currently talking about, I’m not interested. I have to receive Ashdar and his crew, and supervise the disembarkation of the shipment.”

“Ben, don’t be like that. You roam the galaxy after knowledge. You save countless lives. It’s not hypocritical of you to hope about a brighter future. And I want you to remember something.”

Ben doesn’t reply, but he’s listening, his eyes locked on the landscape.

“I want you to remember that all this, around us? All we make here? It’s thanks to you. It’s because you fought against yourself, because you learned of your mistakes and sought redemption, nevermind the difficulty of this task. And you did it.” The old Jedi chuckles. “This school is yours, I’m only here because I have nothing better to do, and because you’re always away, looking for treasures. In this way, you make me think of your father, he couldn’t stay still.”

The knight lowers his head.

“I wonder what he would think of me, now. What he would think of all this.”

“He would be so proud of you. That’s all that matters. Alright?”

“Alright,” Ben reluctantly agrees.

They stay silent for a while, looking at the children playing with Rey near the docking bay as they’re waiting for the Mockingbirds to arrive.

“This children,” Luke softly says, “they will all be guardians of the balance, just as you are. They won’t be my legacy, they’re yours.”

This simple idea makes Ben’s heart clenches, and he shakes his head vehemently.

“I’m not made to be a teacher. I still have so much to learn myself, I’ll die of old age before understanding everything.”

“Unfortunately, everyone does! You can’t understand _everything_ , but you can learn, more and more as the years pass and fade. Look at where we are! Now think of where we were, only three years earlier? We’re rebuilding the galaxy, and our children will rebuild it again, just as our parents had to do the same. Construction, destruction, reconstruction… the cycle is far from over, but every time we fall, we know we will rise stronger. This place… We will protect it. And it’s your duty, your burden to make sure of the safety of our history, for it will guide our future to something bigger, brighter than the Jedi Order has ever been. Do you understand?”

Ben processes the mountain of information he just got. He doesn’t look at his uncle as he tastes the word on his tongue. His duty. No one ever placed such responsibilities on his shoulders. But he knows he can do it. It’s his destiny, after all. He nods absentmindedly, before smiling at Luke.

“Don’t worry. I can handle it. Besides, I’m not alone, I will delegate all the dirty work to Rey.”

Luke laughs openly as Ben makes his way down the hill, staring at the ship descending from the sky.

They are late, but he expected nothing less from Ashdar. The pirate descends the ramp like a king coming home. He’s… kind of home, since he’s Force-sensitive, but Ben folds his arm and frowns.

“You’re late, you objectionable criminal.”

“What can I say, Ky? We had problem on the way. Nothing I could manage, though. Stop complaining, I’m bringing you priceless treasures! Besides, you still owe me an Ysalamir!”

“Steven’s good where he is.”

“ _Steven_ ,” the pirate cringes. But he shuts up, and that’s perfect.

Ben didn’t really called the Lizard Steven. In fact, he let Chijik’ta choose, and the Ysalamir now proudly wears the name Kahati, because that means ‘guardian’ in his tongue, and he loves the beast even if the whole house is cut off from the Force. Ben looks as the pirates disembark large crates of files, old data and priceless artifacts from the ship.

“Okay, follow me, I’ll show you where we’ll stock this. We’re on archiving duties, tonight, want to come along, Ashdar?”

“Why not? It’s not like I have nothing better to do like, I don’t know, drink and flirt, you fucking monk.”

Ben laughs but lets the insult slide past him. He’s not a _monk_ , he allowed himself a large part of flirt while traveling this past years. He even managed to find his Twi’lek assassin crush! With a smile at the thought, the knight goes to the large room protecting the treasures. He sits on a table between old data cards, closing his eyes to appreciate the silent humming of the Force in the place. With so much Force related objects in one place, it is a beacon of power. Opening his eyes at the sounds of children invading the place with respectful, amazed whispers, Ben admires what he has done.

He did it.

He rebuilt the Jedi Order. With a touch of personal preferences, yes. With way more gray than white, yes.

But it’s so much brighter than everything he ever saw. With a strangled laugh, he bites back the tears of relief threatening to escape. Rey sits next to him and looks at what he’s staring at before smiling warmly. She lets her head fall on his shoulder and sighs.

 

“Do you see that? That’s our work, your big dork. If I knew I had so much to do, I would have stayed in bed on Jakku but hey, in the end, there’s no other place I’d rather be.”

“Maybe on Finn’s arms?” Ben asks, amused, resting his head on the top of Rey’s.

“Okay. Definitely on Finn’s arms. But since he’s here, I can have both.”

 

That’s right. She’s right. They all have everything they need.

 

It has been a long way, but Ben’s finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I did it. It's not a masterpiece, will all theses weirdly written sentences, typos and grammar failures, but it had been fun to write and, I hope, fun to read. This idea had been given to me by Star Wars LEGO, merely because it's possible to make *every quest* with Kylo Ren, even the Resistance's ones, as long as he's paired up with a resistant. And here I was, imagining Kylo Ren having to do all this Resistances side quest to redeem himself from what he did. That's goofy, I realize, but I had a lot of fun with that. Before transforming it into a real fanfiction.  
> I'm usually not proud of what I write, but this time I think I did a good job, and I thank NaNoWriMo for that, for I wouldn't have tried if it wasn't for it.  
> So, for every fearful reader that hesitates posting your work, I want you to know there will always be a public for you, and if you want to share your work with me, don't hesitate! (unless it's *romance* Kylo/Rey, that's my NOTP, sorry not sorry. They still can be friends, though!)  
> Anyway, here I am, rambling in an endless note, ahah. I'm setting you free, fly away! And thank you so much for sticking with me this month, you're amazing! *thumbs up* 
> 
> This time there's no "see you tomorrow"! I can't believe it! 
> 
> MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU


End file.
